Preschool is not going well.
I was so sure that this attempt at preschool would be more successful than the last because last time, I was in the classroom with him. I’ve heard from everyone that he’d act just fine once he was on his own.
I arrived a few minutes early to pick Carson up today so that I could speak with the director about his behavior since I’d heard from his teacher last week that he’d had a “hard week.” Apparently he acts at school the same way he acts at home. He is defiant, he doesn’t like to have too many kids around, and he barely eats lunch.
One of my shoulders wants to shrug and say, “It’s your problem on Tuesdays and Thursdays suckers. I am PAYING you (so that I can have a break from him).” I certainly enrolled him in preschool because I think he needs the experience and the opportunities for learning, but honestly? I need a break from him.
My other shoulder wants to slump because I want the teachers to like him, but it’s really hard to like a kid who is so whiny and so defiant. I hate that he isn’t like so many kids that act rotten at home, but good as gold at school. It’s hard to hear that my son isn’t adjusting to school and that his days keep getting worse. I feel guilty that I’m making him do something that he really doesn’t want to do because I really need some time away from him.
I should have mentioned this already, but it’s only the 4th day of school. Logically it doesn’t seem completely implausible that a three-year-old might have some behavior issues and might have a hard time adjusting to school. I wouldn’t blame you if you’re reading this thinking that I’m overreacting.
But I know my son and everything we’ve ever done has been a battle, at least in the beginning, and if he isn’t handled properly, it will be impossible to make any progress. Everything I’ve ever enrolled him in has been a battle. I feel like this round of preschool is the IN MY FACE crystal ball that is showing me the future saying, “DO YOU FINALLY SEE THAT CARSON IS A DIFFICULT KID AND THIS WHOLE SCHOOL THING IS GOING TO SUCK?!”
Of course I’m going to give Carson a chance to adjust and I’m going to offer some behavior management techniques that could help them manage him throughout the day. Maybe he’ll improve. Maybe.
It’s just that I’m not particularly optimistic. He has always had trouble in group situations. Story time was always been a battle. We went for nearly two years and it was a battle nearly every time. I continued to take him because “it would get better.” “He’s only 18 months old!” He’s only two! Kids are terrible when they’re two.” The program I enrolled him in while living in Indiana was a giant nervous sweat fest for myself because he always resisted the group activities. “Oh it’s because I’m here. If I wasn’t here, he’d be fine.” “We just moved, he’s been through so much.” “This is a whole new experience, I just need to give it some time.”
I think there’s a very discernible pattern here. Carson flat out doesn’t care for group activities and doesn’t like to follow directions.
I’m just not sure how much time to give him. I mean, we have like 15 more years of traditional school ahead of us.
[delurking for the 1st time]
I think you are completely right to follow your instincts on this one. No one knows your child better than you. Yes he will mature, and extremes will level out, but this dislike of authority and group activities will likely be a persistent part of his personality.
I have learned this with my kids. My daughter at 3 was a complete airhead. She couldn’t hold a thought in her head from one room to the next. She lacked focus and attention. I said, “She’s 3, she’ll grow out of it.” Her preschool teachers said, “She’s only 3, have realistic expectations.” Then, she was 4 – still a total flake. Then 5 – flake, flake,flake. Finally at 7 going on 8, I have concluded that she’s not growing out of this, it’s not a phase. I have a 100% Kellog Flake to raise, and there’s just no getting around it. (I can tell a similar story about my 4-yr old and his anal retentativeness.) The longer I’m a mom, the more I realize that these traits and behaviors that we become intimately familiar with in our children are not a function of their “age” — they are who they are, and it manifests itself in different ways at different ages. The bright side is that my daughter, though a total flake, is also smart and at the top of her class. She has matured, and is learning techniques to keep her flakiness under control.
Carson may never be a model student, behavior-wise, nor the ‘favorite’ of his teachers. But, he will learn, he will get better, and he will likely not be the worst child they ever have to deal with, either. Your greater challenge will be to try to partner with his teachers to keep him engaged and challenged in ways that work for him.
Best regards!
I feel your pain. While Aidan has gotten better, he still has his days and it sucks. Sucks for me, sucks for him, and sucks for his teachers. It’s just a miracle they’re willing to put up with him. I hope your son starts having some good days.
Sissy´s lastest post..Wordless Wednesday
Surely the school is used to this kind of behavior w/kids transitioning….what suggestions have they offered? What have they tried? It shouldn’t be all on you to make this experience good for him. Chin up:)
I remember when Tate’s grandmother gave me the book by Dr. James Dobson “The strong Willed Child”….Tate was 3 and a hand full. Carson is like both of you…so bright and strong willed…not a bad thing!!! He does things at his own pace. Potty training was best lest to his timing/ and so will this. Be patient/ he is a sweet loving little BOY with a mind of this own. Hang in there. Love ya
Another thing to remember is that the kids in Carson’s class probably started the school year together… Ask the teacher where the other kids started and where they are at now in their behaviors and actions
It doesn’t sound quite like what you are going through. But with my daughter, one thing that worked was to arrive before everyone. Let her get the lay of the land and be there as people arrive as opposed to entering into a situation. Somehow it gave her more control and she is always much more at ease in group situations if she is one of the first 1 or 2 children to arrive. Good luck!
shannon´s lastest post..So Proud
My stomach lurched reading this. This is going to be my life in September, and I am so scared. Every social situation is a battle for us right now. I am insane to try and push him off to pre-school right now, when he hates routine, and really, it’s completely my fault.
brittany´s lastest post..la mamá
The Chicken had a very hard time with pre-school, in fact the teachers wanted me to keep her back another year and delay kindergarten. A field trip to the eye doctor (which also happened to be our eye doctor) revealed that she had very bad eyes. She functioned just as normal as Giggles but she always was very stubborn. Once she got her glasses she was better. She still is head strong but she was much easier to deal with.
Just a thought. ((((hugs))))
Domestic Extraordinaire´s lastest post..Experiencing Bliss
Okay, I’m totally no expert, but here’s a question I have:
Have you asked Carson what he doesn’t like about Preschool? Have you asked him, what could the teachers do to make it better? I know he’s only 3, but maybe he could tell you why he’s having a difficult time. Maybe you could mention these things to the teachers, and they could work with you. Some things could be changed, some not. Maybe what’s bothering him is very simple and could be overcome. Don’t be afraid to listen to your child about what he wants. It doesn’t mean he is the boss of you; it just means that you are advocating for his best interests. You will be his biggest hero. AFter all, the solution here is not to simply get over the bad situation, but rather to find a way to make the situation better.
And, on montessori, if it is too much $$ for you, and you’re not comfortable with it, don’t feel guilty for not paying it. Our children are priceless, but we have to show them that we are smart about our money choices. I think that people who can afford that montessori school probably make enough to afford it. If you REALLY want to send him there, I think you should consider some type of extra income source, because (trust me from personal experience) if you send him there and he loves it, but you have to pull him out later because you can’t afford it, well, that’s not a good situation for anyone.
Good Luck!
Texan Mama´s lastest post..
“After all, the solution here is not to simply get over the bad situation, but rather to find a way to make the situation better.”
I think there is a lot to be said for allowing a child to deal with a uncomfortable situation. We can’t fix the world for our kids and I don’t believe we should try. Clearly, I’m not saying you should let your kid play in traffic or blithely allow his first school experience to be so negative that it turns him off to learning forever but…kids can’t discover their strengths and build confidence and learn how to compromise with the world if they are only allowed to have easy successes. Bla bla bla, it’s his first week, he’s obviously a tough customer, he’ll be fine : )
juliet´s lastest post..Ordinary Hero
Jennifer, I don’t have my own kids, just a butt loads of experience with other peoples kids. Babysitting, teaching, coaching…
I’ve seen the gammut in kids from kids with undiagnosed disorders to kids with over diagnosed disorders and have seen a lot of parents who need to either be diagnosed themselves or just chill the hell out.
My humble opinion? Lots of it comes down to change and immaturity. He’s been through a lot with the moves and he’s 3.
I have a kid now in one of my classes that can NOT handle it if I’m not her teacher for the class and even some days I am there it’s a fight! She’s 3. That’s what it is. Well, that and the pool environment is hard because she has some hearing problems. But her parents are paying me to deal with her for an hour and we’re working it out as we go.
Crap this got long, sorry! Hang in there, maybe more days will help. Maybe next week it’ll just click? Who knows. But keep your chin up.
courtneyryan´s lastest post..Thursday Thirteen (#6)
I know that feeling. My son doesn’t “concentrate on learning” like the other kids. He’s so smart, but it makes me sad to think he doesn’t want to learn.
Kelly´s lastest post..V-Day and Yo Gabba Gabba
I think with the moves and starting in the middle of the year, you’re asking a lot of Carson is he’s already what I call a “struggler.” My middle child has fought over everything from day 1 – he’ll even complain while I’m doing something he’s asked for, just to get his daily dose of screaming – but his preschool teachers think he’s an angel. However, they are FABULOUS, they work so hard to make every kid have a good experience. Plus, my Lovebug was already familiar with the school before he started there at the beginning of the year and his class only has six kids. Five of whom are really mellow so it’s that the peer pressure is positive. I’m not sure you and Carson are getting the support you need. What do they do when Carson doesn’t want to participate in circle time?
jerseygirl89´s lastest post..Time To Get Off of the High Horse
http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html
Some thoughts from someone else who is “differently civilized” …
1) When people give you homilies like “he’ll get used to it,” memorize them and repeat them when those or other people later complain to you about your son. Then it’s harder for them to argue.
2) He needs to learn that his behavior affects people and events; i.e. if he drives you nuts, that makes you want to fob him off on other people for a break, whereas if he were less of a pain you’d have less need for a break.
3) Basic personality traits rarely change. If he consistently dislikes being around other people, that’s probably going to stick.
4) Some behaviors are really environmental, but the variables can be really obscure. I was, hm, 16 or 17 the first time I encountered a crowd that I liked. If you can pin down what things your son dislikes about other people or activities, you may be able to maneuver around them somewhat, or find ways for him to protect himself from things that make him uncomfortable.
Elizabeth Barrette´s lastest post..Household Living
@”Suggestion”
This comment didn’t pass my spam filter and I hesitated to allow it.
I appreciate the effort you put into sending me this link and I hope that possibly this link could help others.
I reviewed the checklist and found that only 4 things apply to my son. As I stated in an earlier comment, I don’t believe that my son’s need for control is necessarily something that requires a diagnosis of some sort.
And while I’m on my tangent, I have to wonder if kids can’t just be “difficult” anymore w/o someone immediately assuming they are disordered? I know that as an SLP, some teachers wanted kids diagnosed so they could get them out of their class, some parents want some sort of diagnosis to explain why their child struggles.
Certainly there are children should have some sort of diagnosis, I just don’t think that every hiccup along the way should be cause for concern. If Carson is still completely out of whack in a year, I’ll be more willing to look into Sensory Integration or other behavior problems. For now, I’m just going to go w/the old standby that my kid’s a stinker and needs lots of extra positive reinforcement.
I often wonder why people think that kids should fit into a nice neat category. If they are different, outspoken or even difficult (like my son) they are classified as ADD or something else. My son is outspoken and doesn’t follow suit. When I take him to story time he doesn’t participate in the song portion. It’s hard for me to be OK with it, but I have to be, it’s his choice.
I like your comment to suggestion and I’m right there with you!
Natalia Burleson´s lastest post..Love thy self!
[...] close friend, Jennifer from Playgroups are No Place for Children, wrote a recent post about some struggles she is having with her 3-year-old son starting [...]
I know I’m so late to this J. But there is so much written about temperamental style in kids. The kind of temperament that a kid is born with, can make so much difference (obviously) in how they react/respond/act in certain situations.
A tougher-type temperament in a kid (or a temperament that was too different or too like the parents’) has been MANY TIMES the reason for a referral to my office, when no *diagnosable* condition existed.
the new girl´s lastest post..It’s Like Blondie Said
I was meaning to say, with that comment, that I appreciate your position about Carson and his temperament not necessarily being an obvious DISORDER.
When I re-read it, it came off sounding like advice for you, which it, uh, was not.
the new girl´s lastest post..It’s Like Blondie Said
I have 3 children. My oldest (9) was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome after 4 preschools and being asked to spend the 2nd semester of kindergarten at home. My second child has just been diagnosed with OCD (with possibly other things undiagnosed). He is in kindergarten now and we have just begun the process of getting him some help. Neither of these kids seem to do well in school or structured environments. They all love it, but circle time among other things causes them great difficulty. I also have a 2 year old (so far showing no of the familiar signs we’re used to seeing with our other children) who still seems to have issues with structured environments. She just completed her second round of gymnastic classes and aside from the routines she does basically nothing! She doesn’t do warm ups, positions and won’t stick to any one “carpet square”
With my boys I have always known something was up, (but she seems to be for lack of a better word)”normal”. I wonder if there isn’t something that can be done to “practice” these behavior skills, but so far I haven’t found anything that works. What I CAN say, is that I fully agree with not canceling preschool. As I was saying earlier. I judge success by whether or not my children complete the task, class etc. If I don’t have to remove them we met our goal. Also I might point out that 2 of the 4 preschools my oldest attended were Montessori schools. One worked and one asked us to leave after 1 month. Not only are not all Montessori schools made the same(even within their two defined formats) but this type of school isn’t for every child, despite what they may tell you.
[...] since writing about my son’s troubles at school recently, I’ve hesitated to say anything about him on this blog that could maybe even [...]
[...] This has become his standard reply. Occasionally I’ll get a noncommittal affirmation that he had a good day or that he played with his best friend, Mary Grace, “on the monkey bars,” like, DUH MOM. At first I was concerned and would press for further details. “Did something happen?!” I’d ask, being careful not to say,”‘did anything BAD happen,” fearing that I’d give him the idea that if something had indeed happened, that it was somehow bad and that he’d possibly become the school hating Carson from the years before. [...]