Preschool is not going well.
I was so sure that this attempt at preschool would be more successful than the last because last time, I was in the classroom with him. I’ve heard from everyone that he’d act just fine once he was on his own.
I arrived a few minutes early to pick Carson up today so that I could speak with the director about his behavior since I’d heard from his teacher last week that he’d had a “hard week.” Apparently he acts at school the same way he acts at home. He is defiant, he doesn’t like to have too many kids around, and he barely eats lunch.
One of my shoulders wants to shrug and say, “It’s your problem on Tuesdays and Thursdays suckers. I am PAYING you (so that I can have a break from him).” I certainly enrolled him in preschool because I think he needs the experience and the opportunities for learning, but honestly? I need a break from him.
My other shoulder wants to slump because I want the teachers to like him, but it’s really hard to like a kid who is so whiny and so defiant. I hate that he isn’t like so many kids that act rotten at home, but good as gold at school. It’s hard to hear that my son isn’t adjusting to school and that his days keep getting worse. I feel guilty that I’m making him do something that he really doesn’t want to do because I really need some time away from him.
I should have mentioned this already, but it’s only the 4th day of school. Logically it doesn’t seem completely implausible that a three-year-old might have some behavior issues and might have a hard time adjusting to school. I wouldn’t blame you if you’re reading this thinking that I’m overreacting.
But I know my son and everything we’ve ever done has been a battle, at least in the beginning, and if he isn’t handled properly, it will be impossible to make any progress. Everything I’ve ever enrolled him in has been a battle. I feel like this round of preschool is the IN MY FACE crystal ball that is showing me the future saying, “DO YOU FINALLY SEE THAT CARSON IS A DIFFICULT KID AND THIS WHOLE SCHOOL THING IS GOING TO SUCK?!”
Of course I’m going to give Carson a chance to adjust and I’m going to offer some behavior management techniques that could help them manage him throughout the day. Maybe he’ll improve. Maybe.
It’s just that I’m not particularly optimistic. He has always had trouble in group situations. Story time was always been a battle. We went for nearly two years and it was a battle nearly every time. I continued to take him because “it would get better.” “He’s only 18 months old!” He’s only two! Kids are terrible when they’re two.” The program I enrolled him in while living in Indiana was a giant nervous sweat fest for myself because he always resisted the group activities. “Oh it’s because I’m here. If I wasn’t here, he’d be fine.” “We just moved, he’s been through so much.” “This is a whole new experience, I just need to give it some time.”
I think there’s a very discernible pattern here. Carson flat out doesn’t care for group activities and doesn’t like to follow directions.
I’m just not sure how much time to give him. I mean, we have like 15 more years of traditional school ahead of us.
My 3 yr old sounds like your son. I took her to the screening at the elementary school (at the suggestion of her pediatrician) and she was put into special education preschool at the elementary school. The preschool there has children from severly disabled to kids who simply need speech therapy to kids like my daughter who are not cognitavely there yet and need the special education services. Her school is 4 days a week for 1/2 a day. She rides the school bus. she is in a classroom with about 8 other kids and there are 4-5 teachers. I think the screening is called child find. It is supported through tax dollars and they can not refuse a qualified child.
When my girl started she would not take turns, had to have everything and would not share, was rowdy and did not listed. Slowly but surely the changes started and now she is at the top of the classroom and the teachers say she is a great help and actually enjoyable to be around.
I hope your find something that works for your son, but I really recommend calling up the closest elementary school and asking about the child find screenings and see what they ahve to say.
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@simply anonymom Actually I am a Speech-Language Pathologist and have worked for Child Find. I definitely see where you are coming from, because I hate that he is “different” from other kids. However, I don’t think that his difference is in any way some sort of disorder and to qualify for special education, a child has to have some sort of diagnosis. My son wouldn’t qualify for any of the disorders required for special education placement (like mental impairment, speech/language impaired, autistic….). Thank you for sharing your experiences and offering your advice.
He sounds a lot like my son… just a hard headed whiny pain in the butt. LOL. I wish I could help or give advice, but I’ve got nothing and mines a little younger than yours, so we’re not quite to the school thing yet.
It’s so hard when you love them so much but they drive you completely batty.
Best of luck, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that it’s just an adjustment period.
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Drew’s a bit of a wild card so I know sort of how you feel. But Drew’s 5 and just now in preschool — I honestly can’t imagine him doing well there at 3. He could barely even talk then! And I SO know what you mean about needing a break from them. LOL.
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Our son had a hard time with any transition due to neurological damage from meningitis. Similar behaviors to Carson including being a handful. It seemed to naturally recede a bit when he hit 8, but before that it was h*ll. Nothing seemed to be helpful other than persistence. Good luck.
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I say give it some more time…it’s going to be an adjustment for everyone. Give them some hints that might help and let him know he’s going, either way. You’re right, you know, you ARE paying them to figure it out!!
I kept my 3 yo out of preschool this year because I just knew it would be horrid. My concerns are his shyness – he’s even shy around family that he sees ALL the time until he warms up – pain in the butt for preschool, so I’m hoping he outgrows it a bit and I’m praying that he’ll be able to handle it in the fall!!
Of course, I get a break once a week – I have a babysitter who comes over so I can go to work!
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Sorry you are struggling (or I guess that he is struggling). No matter how educated we are and how objective we can be about other people’s children, it is so hard to find ourselves unable to figure out what to do with our own. And there is nothing wrong with needing a break! I think a little alone time makes me a better mom (now if only I could practice what I preach). Good luck!
Michelle Smiles´s lastest post..Putting baby in a corner
Some kids don’t thrive in group situation and that’s ok although it certainly makes it harder for teachers, and by extension, the parents. But I think it’s important to remember something that I’m sure that you already know–the fact that he doesn’t like “the group” does not mean that he won’t be able to succeed academically or otherwise later on in life. We all know people who were loners are children who’ve gone on to accomplish amazing things (like almost everyone in Hollywood and Bill Gates). But I’ve been where you are and it is hard. It’s hard to feel, suspect, know that the teacher doesn’t adore your child because he’s more work than the other kids. But you know what? Teaching is a profession–and they need to figure out how to engage the kid who isn’t engaged by what the avarage kid finds fascinating.
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Sounds so familiar (hee -just like everyone else!)
I can rtemember leaving the school crying, not like the other moms, cuz they were leaving their babies – but either out of sheer relief to get a break or sadness that he just wasn’t like the other kids…
Our mantra every morning before he left for school was “no hitting, no fighting, no biting – use your words!”
Everyday was awful…
We got thru it and no one died (that I’m aware of) – and have come out the other side better for it. We did have to change school, tho. Montessori made a HUGE difference.
That being said, that was MY kid –
You know your kid better than anyone = I doubt you would overreact, but you may need more time…
Hang in there…I sure hope things get better for both of you – -we’re always here for support!
Sticky´s lastest post..Who can I blame THIS one on?
I have no “assvice” to give ya and can just give you support. I felt like my 4 year old was pretty much the same way and he did eventually get settled.
Im concerned for kindergarten and how he’ll do with structure and socialism since I’ve been homeschooling. I’m sure somehow someway it will all come out in the wash.
Maybe it’s because he’s only going twice a week where if it was more rigid like every day he might be more adjusted…totally out there thought though.
Jean M.´s lastest post..Tackle It Tuesday-Aw Screw It
I read your blog all the time but I don’t think I’ve ever commented. I hope you don’t mind me butting in…
have you considered taking him 3 days a week instead of 2? I used to be a preschool teacher and I always thought 2 days was just not enough. Especially 2 days that were spread out. He has a schedule at home…and then has to adjust to a new schedule at school, forget all about it the next day, and then be expected to perform again the next day at school. It’s a little confusing for some kids. I used to recommend a T-W-TH schedule so the kids could get a little more used to the routine. Some kids it just takes a while. Months even. (I know that’s not what you want to hear)But if you just keep at it, it should get better. If you decide to quit going to pre-school, then he learns it’s ok to give up on things.
Just my opinion.
You’ve had a lot of great feedback here – I don’t want to repeat it. Nor do I want to sound trite and say ‘been there done that’ and it’s all okay…
All I will say is that we’ve had challenges with Miss E – she’s a feisty lady – at school and at home. She’s four and four months right now and it is MUCH better – so much better.
I hope that with time, and a more settled time (after your move) Carson will come round.
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@Michelle That is definitely part of MY problem! I’m educated in this very area (behavior problems) and I feel like I cannot get a handle on him and how to make things better. It was so much easier analyzing other people’s kids, but mine? He has me stumped.
@Sticky I am certain that Carson would thrive in a Montessori! I would LOVE to send him to one. Unfortunately they are so expensive (anywhere from $500-$1000/month for 2-3 days/week) here. That’s only slightly less than my college tuition!
Maybe, though, I should stop worrying about the money and put him in a place he’d excel.
@Jean I think 3-4 days a week, particularly in a row would be great. I can’t find any programs that offer this. There is a Montessori, but even it’s M/W/F.
@exteacher Thank you for commenting, I appreciate what you have to say especially since you have experience! I agree that 2 days/wk spread out is not the best scenario. I haven’t found any programs here that offer consecutive days and only the very spendy Montessori schools offer 3 days/week and that’s only on M/W/F.
I completely agree that if I let him quit preschool, he’d just learn that if he puts up enough fight, he can get out of things he doesn’t want to do. I’m not considering quitting preschool, but rather finding a completely different environment (like a Montessori). Also after talking to the teachers and director today, I’m less than impressed w/their game plan.
Your comment made me feel better. It helps to know that there are other kids who have had a hard time getting used to school.
@Annie That is the perfect word to describe Carson, too. FEISTY. All caps, though!
I’m not sure if this will help, but have you looked at “daycares” as opposed to “preschools”? At least around here, there are “daycares” that have the option of full days (or half days) and as many days of the week as you need (so T-W-TH would work). They have programs and schedules, so it’s similar to a preschool, not just a free-for-all like I think some assume daycares are (i.e. lessons and structured activities, not just play-time all the time).
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I’m no help, but am worried my son’s going to be the same way. I’m sure we’ll all get through it… but they certainly don’t make it easy on their mothers!
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My son was the same way. We went to storytime twice a week every week. And he never got along with any of the other kids. We joined a playgroup at our local park one day a week. and he constantly fought (physically) with all the other kids. I enrolled him in preschool two days a week for two months and he was totally withdrawen. Would not eat or sleep. Screamed and cried everytime i dropped him off. It was horrible. He would get in fights. Throw things at other kids. Everything. It was horrible. Then the director of the school suggested that i bring him in part time (3 to 4 hours a day) 5 days a week instead of two. What? She must be crazy! he will just get worse i thought. But after 2 months of going 5 days a week he did a 180. Now, a year later, he loves school. He is friends with all the kids in his class. He loves going. He cries when its time to leave because he does not want to go home. He listens better at home now then before. Its amazing. He is one of the favorite kids in his school now. All the teachers love him. And all we did differnt was go from two days a week to 5 days a week. Anyhow, that is what worked for us. Good luck!!
lol. i just read through the comments. lol. My son goes to a montesorri school too. 650 a month a 5 days a week 4 hours a day. Guess I should read ALL the comments before I comment. lol
Well, I guess my feeling on it is this: you need this time. This time is helping you get the relief you need to be a better mother the other 80% of the time. And it’s not harming him. This is real life. He will be in large groups. He will have to listen to authority. I think it’s possible that bumping him up to three days might help, routine being the mother of acquiescence, but ultimately? YOU NEED THIS. And you are the best mommy possible when you are doing the things that take care of you, too.
I’m going to have fun here and be a smart ass. So, keep in mind I’m kidding.
You definitely need to keep sending him to preschool. But there are some things you should do every morning before you leave.
He needs a wonderfully fun meal, so he’ll want to come home. Amp him up on Mountain Dew or Dr Pepper and Reese’s Cups.
He will need special school supplies. Give him a brand new set of Sharpies for him to use ONLY AT SCHOOL.
He needs to know how his teachers feel about him. Tell him that they eat little kids who whine and don’t play well with the group.
Wouldn’t it be nice if something easy would work? Unfortunately, easy is not how we usually roll. You’re doing the right things for him, and for you! When Sissy was 2 1/2, I went back to work. She would weep and cling and beg and plead and scream and flail and freakout. I would cry all the way to work. The daycare director would call when she knew I was there to tell me that Sisssy was fine. It WAS me, and to be honest, it hurt even more to know that. But we kept at it. And, after a few months, she was excited to go to preschool.
****
I was interrupted by a whiny little boy. And now I can’t remember what I was going to say. Sheesh.
****
Screw it. Get a glass of wine or 5. Carson will adapt or he will get to used to it. Either way, it’s a step he must take eventually. He may not be ready now. But he will have to do it sometime. Meanwhile, you get a few hours away from his whines.
And there’s NOTHING wrong with that!!!
Auburn Gal Always (Keri)´s lastest post..I’ve found my calling
Have you researched Sensory Processing Disorder? My 6yo was just diagnosed (finally). He went through 3 years of preschool/daycare terror because of being misunderstood. Kindergarten is still a struggle, but at least he isn’t crying anymore!
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I liked what “The Other Dawn” said – I agree.
On the flipside… consider there might be an issue there, that there is a reason he has issues with groups. I know you have professional experience, but sometimes we are just too close to see something subtle. No suggestions on what might be happening, though!
Looking into daycare rather than preschool might be one answer.
Also consider trying a different centre generally – I had to move my youngest when we first started. The interactions just weren’t right.
Some three year olds just aren’t ready for school, and that is perfectly okay (except that you need a break). Think about it, back in the day kids never went to preschool at 3. It is pretty young. And a storytelling group for a two year old? Forget about it. I never even ATTEMPTED that with any of my boys.
Give him a bit more time and if he still is having a hard time pull him out and wait another year. And then lock him in his room so you can have some alone time.
Kat´s lastest post..Next Time I’ll Turn On A Light
Just don’t let yourself forget that underneath that frustration and worry is a deep love and you’re going to dig deeper inside yourself to find the strength and patience it takes to be what he needs.
Parenting really sucks, no?? I totally should have read the fine print.
Anissa@hope4peyton´s lastest post..Anatomy of a nervous breakdown
My son had a hard time with preschool at first. He has a hard time with a lot of things actually.
/sigh
I will agree that going more days seems to help. I am almost 100% sure that my son has ADHD, and a regular schedule helps a lot. I’ve had teachers tell me that he definately has it, and some that say no way. Even the doctor isn’t quite sure. /sigh /sigh /sigh ANYWAYS, I wish you the best of luck. It does get easier when they get older, but it gets much harder as well. Get ready for the principles office.
Bridge´s lastest post..one word…
If only there were enough teachers and classes for the different learning styles. My daughter is very academic and thrives with structure. My son is very hands on and hates having a pen in his hand. But they both learn.
I did have two years of having to pull my daughter off me when she started school so I could leave (also pre-school, but it was shorter and I could stay and help, so it was a little easier).
We decided to keep her back and repeat grade one (second year), and it made such a difference. It was like she had caught up emotionally and was ready.
Don’t think any of that helps you, I was just sharing my experience. (But it would be good to have the different classes for the different learning styles).
I wish I had some magic words but right now I have a 5 yr old at home that we decided to keep out of kindergarten an extra year due both to language delays (he is in speech therapy 2x a week) and an in-ability to not act like a jerk-face-jerk in group settings. He is coming along though; we got to the park, we hang with my friend’s homeschool co-op, he has made a lot of friends in the neighborhood that come to play but it has just taken time and a truck load of ‘non-structured’ activities to get him in the groove. We hope by this summer he will be pliable enough to do a trial run at 1/2 day summer camp to gear him up for kindergarten in the fall. I know you know this but seriously some kids just take longer to find a comfort zone, socially. He will find his but in the meantime would it be possible to have a babysitter come in and relieve you for a bit? Or to get him in a home-based day-care a few hours a week (less structure but still gives you a break)?
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Along the same lines as what what exteacher said: My nephew had some pretty severe social anxiety issues (he is about Carson’s age)and would completely flip out when they left him at preschool two days a week. He would then continue to be a nightmare for his teachers for the rest of the day. He was working with an occupational therapist at the time who suggested strongly that they put him in school 5 days. After some searching, they found a school that he could go to all week and it’s been like night and day ever since. I hope you can maybe find another place that will take him more days out of the week, or at least consecutive days. You DO need a break and it sounds like he would really benefit from being in preschool if he can get into the swing of it. Good luck and hang in there!
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My son is the same as in group situations he will not participate. He’s not a follower and in some ways I think that is a good thing. As a follower I find it hard to parent him. Just do it already! I hope that once he gets used to the routine things will get better. Hang in there!!!
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I have no words of wisdom, but I’m offering my support. I know that you need the chance to thrive when he’s in school as much as he needs to learn to thrive at school without you. I hope you find a situation that works well for both of you.
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Punkinmama already mentioned it, but you may find more flexibility with a place that calls itself a “daycare.” There are kids in Alexis’ preschool class that are part time, including three consecutive days, and the parents are charged based on a daily rate. The curriculum is exactly the same as a “typical preschool.”
Good luck, ma’am, and if you find a magic bullet, please share it. I’m still looking forward to a dance class that doesn’t involve a major meltdown, and that’s just one hour one day per week.
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You DO know what your problem is – you’re too close and you cannot be objective about Carson. Assuming that he’s cognitively correct, he could be dealing with something as simple as an Anxiety Disorder – but you need to let another professional look into whatever it is that Carson is dealing with.
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“…I want the teachers to like him, but it’s really hard to like a kid who is so whiny and so defiant.” You made my heart ache a bit, for you and for him. Thank you so much for your honesty.
Lots of great advice here so I’ll just add this:
Children are extremely resilient and they learn so much more from difficult situations than easy ones. Your son definately sounds uncomfortable but that’s ok, he will rise to occassion as best he can and he will learn from it. Your need for some distance and his need for a broader exposure to life is just as (if not more) important than whether or not he is enjoying himself.
My kid is big trouble, too. He is willful and stubborn and does not take direction well. He is who he is and he will get in his own way probably forever. This is his battle and I am choosing to let him fight it.
Hope this sermon was helpful ; )
juliet´s lastest post..Ordinary Hero
I really do appreciate all the thoughtful comments and ideas.
I will say that I feel like some of the underlying sentiments of your comments are “he has a disorder” of some sort. I get the feeling that I’m being tsked tsked as the parent who isn’t opening her eyes to a diagnosible problem.
Ya’ll, my eyes are wide open. I’m not denying that my kid is difficult. I just do not believe that he has some sort of disorder. Not every difference or problem is something that needs a diagnosis. (Which in no way means I think that if you’re a parent who has a child w/some sort of diagnosis you’re wrong! Not at all, I just don’t think that not liking authority is something that means he needs a diagnosis.)
Carson is head strong and likes to be in control. He gets that from me, absolutely. It’s far more pronounced in a 3 year old than a 33 year old.
As far as his difficulty in group situations, he does fine with groups as long as he’s allowed to do what he likes. I think he really doesn’t like singing and the possibility of being looked at during thing like circle time.
I do think that I need to look around for a daycare that will accept children part time, but when I almost went back to work a few months ago, those daycares were few and far between. Around here, most only accept full time or you have to pay the full price even for part time.
I should clarify my last statement about Carson doing fine in groups….
He does great in groups as long as their nothing “circle time” or “school” or “teacher-directed” about them. He does great w/the neighbor kids, on playgroups w/strangers. It’s the school aspect that he has trouble with.
Let me concur that I don’t think your son has a problem/disorder. He is just bucking the system. This is still SO new for him, too. I’d reserve any kind of judgement for a month. My son will be repeating preschool rather than advancing with his same age peers into a more directed pre-K program for the exact same reason your son is having difficulty; He has little will to do directed activities. Remember that kids didn’t set foot in a classroom until 1st grade less than one generation ago. Your son my also be in group with children that have been in daycare most of their young lives and are used to this structured environment. Lets allow that there might be a better program for him ( a less structured program) but unless he is biting and throwing feces, I don’t see any pathology here.
juliet´s lastest post..Ordinary Hero
Oh Lordy… My eldest was the biter/hitter/won’t sit still kid at school. He was very intelligent, and I credit a LOT of his issues to boredom. But a lot to just not being emotionally caught up to the other little kids. Really. That was it for him. (We did the whole Diagnosis thing. Got a couple that I didn’t totally agree with. Basically, he’s high maintenance. To which I said: DUH.)
Thankfully, these past 3 years have left me wondering where my difficult child has gone… He is by no means EASY, but falls well within the normal range for a 10 year old.
GREAT, right?
One thing I will ask: has he had pre-k hearing and vision screening? Just something to think about.
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You know your child and you know what’s best for him!
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(I don’t have time to read the other comments so I’m sorry if I repeat…)
3 sucks. That age for a lot of boys just sucks. I had problems similar with my youngest-he just didn’t like the whole school thing-especially ‘circle-time’ stuff. Now as a first grader his issue is not behavior but not getting his work done in class-major daydreaming. Oh! Hang in there. He may be just incredibly bored, or not love the social aspects of school. Does he like watching stuff like History channel or Discovery? My boy loves that stuff-he learns by listening and seeing-and the older he gets the better it is because there is more of that each year in school. The huggy, happy, flowery things, not so much.
Hope that helps. I know that we’re not supposed to plop our kids in front of the tv but certain shows like that can be really educational and help them learn how to listen.
Ok-I went back and read a little and I agree with you-HE IS NORMAL!!! No testing required. There is a bunch of this behavior that he will grow out of. I know it’s hard, just hang in there!
Headless Mom´s lastest post..Quickie
the only advice (assvice, maybe?) i have it to keep at it…not cut his hours. the best thing you can do for him is allow him to learn to adapt to the situation…not give him a way out. and he will learn. he’s a kid – a totally normal kid
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I’m there right with you. It’s gotten somewhat better in Kindergarten but I still get the occasional email from the teacher about my son being kept in from recess for not participating or being distracting during the lesson.
It’s frustrating, for sure. I’m hopeful as time goes on and as he matures over then next few years (yes sorry I said few years) things will be different
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I know what this whole preschool thing is.
Carson is using pre-k as a practice area for his evil plans of world domination.
And honestly? Who has time to sing stupid songs about Old McDonald and his sheep when there are plots to be made? Can’t they see he’s thinking?!
I know all about evil little boy plots to rule the world. I
just wanted to drop a line to say good luck.
hopefully in (quick) time, it will get much better.
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It’s been said, but I’ll chime in with the try more days/consecutive days. Our 2.5 yr old doesn’t have a great time day 1 of “School” but by day 3 he doesn’t want to leave. Although he has started pushing his friends and laughing about it…so what the hell do I know?
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He doesn’t seem to have a “syndrome”, he’s just a force to be reckoned with. He will never be overlooked or trod upon in life. That’s a gift.
Give him more time, let him find his way with other kids and with another authority figure besides you as parents. That was the best thing that happened to my eldest. Nothing like someone else kicking you in the ass when you’re acting like one to get your head straight.
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