The man is standing at the side of the road, the one by the exit ramp a few miles from my house. He, or rather, some other man who appears to be in the same position, is always standing there.
He is holding a cardboard sign with the words “stranded/ hungry/ out of work/ can you spare some change.” On the ground at his feet is a backpack, dirty and crumpled. A blanket roll is affixed to the top of his pack with twine or bungee cords. Sometimes there is a mangy dog, lying obediently at the man’s feet, the leash coiled beside his napping head.
The man is dirty, his face is smudged with dirt, he hasn’t shaved for several days. If he’s wearing a hat, the hair that is hanging out is matted. Sometimes he has a ponytail. His fingers gripping his sign are caked with dirt. Occasionally a cigarette hangs from his lips.
I don’t know how I know so many of these visual details about the man. Before braking at the light on the exit ramp, I’ve locked my doors and vowed to stare straight ahead. I don’t look at him, I can’t look at him.
I feel ashamed to be sitting in my SUV that’s always full of gas, my iPhone sitting in the console, my children watching a non-stop loop of DVDs, my stomach and my children’s stomachs full from a weekly lunch at a nice deli. I can’t even look at the man, I really don’t have any cash to give him. I pretend to talk to my children or to be absorbed in finding some fake lost item in my center console.
As the light turns green and start to drive, I feel relieved not to be stopped next to the man that I pretended was invisible.
I wonder about the man’s story.
Is he really stranded? Does he really want money for food or would he go and buy liquor or drugs with the money? Does he have family? Does his family know that he’s standing by an off ramp, holding a cardboard sign that says he’s hungry?
How did he end up here, both HERE at that intersection, but also here in his life, standing at the side of the road asking passing motorists for a ride and money?
I used to feel the same way. Avoid eye contact at any cost and pretend to be busy. I still don’t hand money or food out the wndow, but I came to the realization that if I’m not going to give anything else, I can at least offer a smile.
Usually I just look straight ahead, try not to make eye contact, but the other day, I had a half a box full of juice packs left over from scouts, so I offered it to the man at the stop light. He was so grateful, and thanked me. He said it was no problem that they were a little warm, because it was better then soda. It wasn’t a lot, but it was something I could easily do.
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There are sadly so many more of them these days.
I’ve had these same feelings and written similar posts.
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I hate to say this, but more often than not, it’s a con. EVERYWHERE you go there are programs – every community has some kind of programs to help the truly indigent, or, if the community is too small, they can refer someone to some program in the area, be it county or ‘the next town over’ or some church group.
Those that stand at the exits, looking forlorn, are very often (not ALL the time, mind you) playing you – playing on your sympathy.
you just pulled the thoughts right out of my head.
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Whether or not the individual is truly a broke/homeless/Veteran, I figure someone has to be pretty hopeless to stand at an exit ramp and ask for money. If I’m alone in the car, I will roll down the window and give my change or a dollar. My husband has made me promise, however, that I would not roll down the windows to donate when my kids are in the car.
There’s a well-dressed homeless man who stands outside my grocery store selling a newspaper published by a group that helps the homeless. I used to get anxious every time I walked in and out of the store (which is several times a week), but now I’ve just decided to buy the paper once a week if I have the $2 on me and smile and be friendly the rest of the time.
It’s hard to know what to do and hard to believe that spare change pushed out a window or a couple of bucks for a newspaper really make much of a difference. I think those gestures are for me, not the person in need.
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After going through this Christian ethics class (during Sunday School), I’m having a change of heart on this type of issues of justice and mercy. I do all the same things you do when I see someone standing off an exit ramp.
But I think the bigger privilege is to be able to show compassion, whether that’s a smile or a few pennies or a stash of crackers I happened to have. My aunt once gave up her winter coat, and that image has always stuck with me.
And what do we do at the end of a busy and stressful day? Enjoy a glass of wine? So who cares if he goes and gets a beer, after all. I think the greater issue is showing compassion.
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This is such a hard issue. Thanks for sharing your struggle- I find my self stumbling across the same questions and never really know how to act/what to do. I find myself giving what I can on each occasion… sometimes that’s a dollar bill, sometimes only eye-contact, and (sadly) sometimes nothing at all.
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Jennifer, you captured this ugly situation beautifully.
I rarely carry cash, so I always feel so frustrated when I drive by someone in this situation. I want to help, but I honestly can’t. And every time, I think that I should just go to McDonald’s and buy some gift cards and carry bottled water and all those things that would be helpful.
But I never do. And that makes me so sad.
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Ive felt the same way seeing a similar man standing at the bottom of my exit. It made my heart hurt for him. Until the time I happened to come along at the end of the day, and saw him walking away, across the street and down the sidewalk. I happened to be turning in the direction he was walking and watched him round the corner, pull a cell phone (nicer than mine btw) out of his pocket and make a call. Then as I sat at the next light, I watched him walk into a parking lot, pull out keys and get into a car and drive away.
I was both angry and sad. Angry that Id let myself be fooled. Sad that next time I saw a homeless person, one that might actually be in need the image of him driving out of that parking lot was probably going to stop me from helping them.
I am often ashamed of the FEAR I feel when encountering a similar situation. More than being unable or unwilling to give, I’m afraid of being hurt, or my kids being hurt, by this person. What’s up with that? What does that say about me?
More than likely he’s lazy. I know it sounds aweful, but I have some facts I can share.
First, most churches of some size will help him get his feet on the ground. All he has to do is walk to one and say, “I’m homeless and I want to start over, how to I find a job or some place to help me get started?”
Second, most restaurants will hand out food at the end of a day if you do a minor amount of work for them. Like hose down the back of the restaurant or sweep around the garbage bin on a consistent basis. From this other people have created careers.
The caveat is that most homeless have some sort of mental setbacks.
I feel for the guy, I do, but there are TONS of places he can get started to work to a better life. But, for some reason he doesn’t.
Would you or any of your previous comment-leavers appreciate someone making you justify your situation before they’d help you? You could “understand”, I’m sure, but honestly, wouldn’t someone helping you out of the kindness of their heart, and not because they found you “worthy” or not, be a little more meaningful? Wouldn’t you want someone to help YOU, purely out of the kindness of their heart, and not because they’d spent the last 5 minutes weighing your worthiness of help on some scale known only to them?
I’m not saying this to be nasty. I’m just saying for everyone talking about him being lazy, drunk, what-have-you = ask YOURSELF what it’s like to be judged, especially solely on appearance. Lots of assumptions being made about this man. Just saying.
I have mixed feelings about people asking for money. First my children, especially B are very empathetic to them which is good. I sometimes give them money but have also given them an unopened soda or leftovers. You never know what their really story is and I know a lot of them probably buy booze but I am just thankful I am not in that position. Sometimes I stare straight ahead or ignore them. You can’t help everyone!
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I loved this post. I have such a surge of feelings at every corner every time. I KNOW there are good people, with real problems who need help out there. I also KNOW they are scheisters who are using using the “system” to their advantage. I know that is cynical, but it’s the truth. And honestly, I just do not have the energy or the time at the stoplight to figure out which is which. The way I explain it to Declan is that we like to give money to larger organizations that help lots of people like the man on the corner rather than just the one person. And Julie (Momslant) recently had me volunteering physically at the Food Bank of the Rockies which felt good too.
xo
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oops, meant to say THERE are scheisters. I know they are not all scheisters.
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At times I stare ahead and other times I make eye contact. I never know what to do.
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The Indianapolis news did a story about a guy like this many years ago (at least 10).
He made $30,000 a year, tax free.
I don’t give them money anymore. I’ll give my money to REPUTABLE charities that will distribute it properly and make sure that people aren’t buying booze, etc. with it.
That said, I often buy guys like this a meal.
I used to have almost the exact same situation when I worked near a VA hospital. Once day I rolled down my window and gave him a $20. The next day he was smoking a cigarette and I wondered if that was how he spent the money. I learned that day that if you’re going to give, you have to be willing to let go and trust that the person will use what you give in the manner that they see most important.
We have a guy on our on ramp too. Whether or not he’s a con, he always makes me wonder how “low” I’d be willing to sink to feed my children.
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Thought provoking.
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good thoughts & great visualization.
i often feel the same. ashamed, worried, sad, always looking straight ahead, whispering the silent mantra: please don’t knock please don’t knock please don’t knock…..
it’s quite a shame.
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I like that you’re wondering about him.
I have often felt/wondered the same thing. Reguardless if they are a con or not – I’m curious about the story.
I will admit that we have a lady on the corner of our highway that is always there begging for handouts – one day i SWEAR i saw her all cleaned up shopping at the mall. I can’t confirm – it might have been a look-alike, but it made me wonder.
Regardless, I do feel we should show compassion – in some way/shape or form.
This post instantly reminded me of a country song from a few years back:
There’s a man standing on the corner
With a sign sayin “will work for food”
You know the man
You see him every morning
The one you never give your money to
You can sit there with your window rolled up
Wondering when the lights going to turn green
Never knowing what a couple more bucks
In his pocket might mean
What if he’s an angel sent here from Heaven
And he’s making certain that you’re doing your best
To take the time to help one another
Brother are you going to pass that test
You can go on with your day to day
Trying to forget what you saw in his face
Knowing deep down it could have been his saving grace
What if he’s an angel
I’ve posted about this very same subject. It’s so hard to know. I think advice I’ve heard many a time over which I will chose to follow is to actually give the person some food or water. That way I don’t have to worry if my money is used for it’s intended purpose (and forgive me if someone has already said this I didn’t read comments)
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Moriah, I really like that perspective. Thank you.
Michelle, it’s people like that who are doing such a disservice to the people who really do need help. It’s hard to know who to help and trust when there are scam artists like that.
Jenny, I feel the same way. It’s shameful, but in this day and age, I feel like I have to put my kids’ and my own safety first. It’s unfair to the people who truly are needing help, though, and that makes me feel both ashamed and sad.
Becca, I am a little uncomfortable with some of the commenters assertions that the man in this scenario is “more than likely lazy” or is a “con.” Certainly some of these folks ARE lazy, ARE con artists, but not all.
I guess for me, I wonder about the man’s situation and how he ended up on an off ramp. I fear for my safety to offer him a handout, but feel ashamed for NOT offering him a handout. He may very well be a man who’s having a hard time, for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter. He may very well be kind and gentle. He may very well not be.
It’s just such a hard situation. Maybe like some of the commenters have suggested, I could always support a local charity. Maybe I could actually do something to make even a tiny difference.
Aimee, EXACTLY. It’s the scheisters who are ruining it for the people who truly need our help. I love the idea of volunteering my time.
Beth, that song is exactly what is in my thoughts, but also with the sad thought of, “but what if he isn’t an angel.” I know that’s horrible, but I really would be worried about rolling down my window, with my kids in the car.
Some other commenters have mentioned donating their time and money to a charitable cause. Maybe that’s the answer for me.
The sad thing is that it just isn’t wise to stop, talk, help. Too many bad things have happened by doing that (aka Elizabeth Smart),
I am totally in agreement that some have ruined the trust and help for others. To live with myself I have to think that those who need the help that I would be willing to give (food, shelter, clothing) will get it from my donations to local charities.
This was beautiful, sweetpea.
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Been there, so hard to handle. Even worse as the kids get older and wonder why we can’t stop to help everyone. Why it is not safe, why these people could ask our church for assistance, have many other choices. It still breaks my heart.
I can totally relate here as living in India has shown us poverty that far surpasses any place I’ve ever seen. Beggars hit on the car windows at every stop light, indigent people live on every street, kids run around naked. It’s very hard to turn a blind eye… especially when over 400 million people live on less than $2 a day. But is it realistic to save everyone?
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Here in Africa, those people are at *every* *single* traffic light. It is gutwrenching. One never gets hardened to it. I do the same as you, busy myself ‘looking’ for something, or looking in the rearview mirror, or talk to the kids. Now and then if someone really breaks my heart (young mother with baby on her back is a classic example) then I give money. I give money away that I don’t have.
This constant barrage of poverty ‘in your face’ here, is one of the reasons we’re trying to leave. Our kids are getting old enough to start asking *why* those people are standing there, and it just breaks my heart to tell them.
I have this same problem every week when I take the girl that I nanny for to dance class. I always lock my door, and then my stomach turns over because of my own lack of trust and empathy. I wish that I thought ahead enough to carry almonds or peanuts or bottled water in my car to hand to those people, but there is a part of me that has been so ingrained to think that these people put me and the girl I nanny in danger.
And it’s silly, because I’ve lived and worked downtown for long enough to know that for the most part, the people have just fallen on hard times. What a hard conundrum.
Thank you for bringing this back to the forefront of my mind.
I enjoyed reading this post. I just blogged about something similar in vein that irriated me greatly. It’s titled “stupid people”
A lot of times, they are the mentally ill. Because there really aren’t services for most of them. Doesn’t mean you need to give to them, I can’t always…but generally people don’t beg on the street because they are capable of getting a job.
I never do this, ever, I swear. But I wrote a post on this, because my uncle was one of those people. If you want to, you can read it, might give you a different idea about the homeless in this country. I put the link in the URL, instead of just my blog address.
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This is difficult. You don’t want to be taken advantage of, but also don’t want to be uncaring.
A pastor at my church once participated in an experiment where he “became” homeless and lived on the street for several days. He said the toughest part of it all was not the hunger or the weather or the lack of hygiene, but the fact that people ignored him, as if he wasn’t a person at all.
This has always stuck with me. I don’t often give money, but sometimes I do. When I do, I ask the person his or her name and tell them that I will pray for them. If what my pastor said is true, then I figure that acknowledging the person as a person with a name and with a need must be just as helpful as the small amount of money I’ve given.
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