“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhood completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.” -Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven
That quote has squatted in every crevice of my brain, filled every pore, and hung like a weighted vest on my shoulders ever since I read it. It’s been several weeks since I finished reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven
*****
Carson, for the fiftieth time, has pushed Ella or maybe he’s just touched her with his index finger, the exact offense is unimportant. But it’s the fiftieth time that he’s done whatever he’s done and the forty-ninth time that I’ve told him to stop pestering his sister.
*****
I’ve spent all day cleaning, vacuuming, dusting, washing and folding laundry. The children have begged to go outside for most of the day. I finally agree even after looking in defeat outside at the mud, those brown, menacing patches, enemies among the blades of green grass. I make the children swear that they won’t play in the mud, they won’t even look at the mud. Carson and Ella do more than look at the mud, they wallow in it, somehow they’re completely painted in brown in the two seconds that I look away.
*****
After I completely lose my shit, I wonder if this is the outburst that will leave prints on my pristine children, leaving them as broken adults in a therapist’s office retelling the time I screamed at them for getting mud everywhere. When they grow up, are they going to say that they don’t want to be the type of parent their mother had been, because I couldn’t handle that. I just want to be the type of parent my children say they want to be themselves. I imagine Carson and Ella as adults, lying on their pillows facing their spouses in the dark of night talking quietly after their own children have long been asleep. Are they going to describe me as impatient, annoyed, burdened, yelling, or worse?
In a world where nothing is absolute, how can I possibly teach Carson and Ella what they need to know? Watch out for strangers! Strangers are dangerous! But not all strangers, some strangers are nice. Don’t let anyone touch you in your private areas! Except sometimes it’s okay, like when Mommy and Daddy are giving you a bath. Don’t yell at Mommy! Except that you’ve learned yelling from Mommy.
I’m so paranoid about doing it all wrong. I don’t want Carson and Ella to grow up and say that I was too lenient, that they wished I’d pushed them more, or that I was too strict and that they felt like rebelling against me was their only way out. I just want to do it right without leaving them as the casualties of my novice parenting skills.
*****
Carson and I constantly butt heads, not literally, but the figurative is just as bothersome. I don’t want it to be this way. I want to be the type of parent who is patient and usually smiling, less irritated and more amused at his three-year-old antics. I don’t want the majority of what I say to him be weighted, heavily, with the word “no.” My tone of voice when I talk to him is always so stern. Where is the gentle mom that I always imagined myself to be?
*****
Instead of getting angry or yelling, sometimes I’m able to catch myself in those frustrating parenting moments and use humor to diffuse the situation. Both of my children love being tickled, it can be the perfect deterrent.
“If you do that again,” I’ll say in my most serious mom voice, my arms crossed over my chest and my eyebrows raised in stern indignation, “I guess I’ll just have to tickle you. That’s right. You heard me. Better watch out because here come my tickle fingers!!!” The children run screaming and laughing, taunting me to chase them.
“More, Mommy! MORE!” Ella squeals in delight.
“No! Don’t tickle me,” Carson pleads as he inches ever closer to my wiggling fingers. I honor his request and don’t tickle him until he finally breaks and begs for my fingers to dance across his belly.
These are the prints, the dancing fingerprints, that I want to leave as an always learning, always changing, always striving to do better parent. These are the prints that I pray will cover more of my children than the marred prints left by impatience and yelling. These are the prints I can only hope will keep their little lives from becoming shattered, in pieces, and unrepairable.
I’m pretty sure those are the ones that will, sister.
.-= Mr Lady´s last blog ..Home Alone =-.
You know, I don’t think there are many parents of 3 yr olds (if any!) who don’t get irritated at least some of the time!
Sounds to me like you’re doing a good job.
.-= Marylin´s last blog ..Picking myself up again. =-.
hey, kids are more like plastic cups than glass. they recover from our mistakes. yes, with enough bad handling they can be broken, but for the most part they bounce back when dropped and still function with the scrapes they acquire from life.
.-= Rabbi’s Wife´s last blog ..Chicken Cholent =-.
I think most parents feel this way! I do! I struggle with guilt and wondering if I’m doing anything right. Great post.
.-= Devan´s last blog ..Crunchy Broccoli Salad =-.
I could have written this. Well, except for the cleaning bit – my house is a mess. Always.
Anyways… I often wonder where Quinn gets his temper and then I stop to think. Oh yeah, I can barely hold my shit together sometimes.
And the whole idea of doing it right – it drives me crazy that people think I know what I’m doing just because I teach preschool. Parenting is so much different. And so much harder.
.-= Cathy´s last blog ..Get Off My Arm! =-.
What a great post and your timing is impeccable! This hit a nerve. I have been struggling with this more than usual lately and it has really been making me sad. It makes me feel better just reading that I am not the only one (sometimes motherhood is so lonely when it doesn’t have to be).
Thank you for your honesty and good luck! It sounds like you are doing a great job.
.-= Shanna´s last blog ..Stick a banana in it =-.
I’m the same way with my 3 year old. He used to be my little angel, now the kid is like a monster and most days I don’t come away at least a little irritated at him. I know it’s normal, but I’m frustrated. With the both of us.
.-= Crystal´s last blog ..Inappropriate Language =-.
Oh, I can so relate. And that quote haunts me too.
Beautiful post–you articulated the struggle and the hope so well.
.-= Jo@Mylestones´s last blog ..Not Fore! Just One or Two! =-.
This was a beautiful post!
.-= Shelly´s last blog ..Newsworthy =-.
I think that concept, if not that exact quote, haunts every parent. It’s scary to know that some day my kids will grow up and judge what kind of a job I did with them the way I did for my parents. As a parent now, I see that I was too harsh on my parents in many ways. And, like you, I truly hope that the time spent snuggling, tickling, laughing, reading, playing etc. will in some way manage to ease the pain of whatever hurts I am causing and will cause as I raise my kids. Thanks for writing this.
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..New England Weather Atrocities and a Poor, Sad Prairie-Girl =-.
I have this same worry EVERY SINGLE DAY. I just hope my 5 year old has a forgiving soul. He can drive me so crazy and I can be so grumpy about the things he does. The minute he falls asleep at night I look at that sweet face and feel guilt. Because he really is a sweet, good boy and I let his regular little boy silliness/attitude frustrate me to the point I am such a downer kind of parent. Every night I tell myself I’ll do better tomorrow…..
Hey, my kids are 15 to 21 and I still feel like this at times. I pretty much assume by now they’ve picked and chosen what they like and dislike about how I parented them, and they’ve let me know. So in the end, it’s really more about how you feel about yourself; that’s what they really pick up on. Sounds like you are doing a great job!
.-= Maureen at IslandRoar´s last blog ..Spin Cycle: Memories =-.
You know, I disagree with that quote. Yes, some parents will damage their children and that is sad. And yes, there are also different levels of damage.
But ‘love covers a multitude of sins’ and the grace of God IS sufficient to redeem our weaknesses and failures, especially as parents, and to heal and mend even the most broken of relationships. And leave them whole and intact; undamaged.
.-= Moriah @ Please Pass the Salt´s last blog ..The Icing on My Pink Cake =-.
Amen, sister!
I think every parent thinks exactly the same things you wrote.
And I love your tickling technique. I’ll have to try that sometime.
The only way not to leave prints is to be a completely hands off parent and I don’t think that’s what you want.
Parenting isn’t a science, there is no right formula.
And incidentally, our adult children going to therapy isn’t an indication of parental failure. To me, it’s an acknowledgment that we raised children who know how to ask for help and are interested in introspection. Uh-oh. I feel a blog post coming on.
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..Hypothetical =-.
We remember the good times more than the bad, except when the bad is SO bad (usually for good reason) that it sticks out.
My mom is a yeller to this day, but stopped yelling when I started yelling back. My dad is a withholder of affection and approval when he’s angry. I told him to get over it one day.
All parents make mistakes, even the good ones – and I had a couple of GREAT ones, but even they can only work with what they know and were taught…I’ve forgiven mine for the mistakes they’ve made, yours will too. If they even remember them
.-= Cute~Ella´s last blog ..How To Brazenly Vandalize – Guest Post: Taudrey McEvel =-.
I’m not a parent yet, but I worry about this. It sounds like you are doing a good job though. Its these memories that stick with the kids, the tickle fingers. I don’t remember my mom ever touching me that way or being affectionate in anyway–same with my dad. These tickle fingers will always be there and make the kids feel all warm & fuzzy.
My aunt always says “children grow up in spite of you not because of you”. That’s what caption I have running thru my head.
I work everyday to not be like my parents. I have shattered places…
Everything I do is for my kids and I still don’t know if I’m doing it right. My husband and sister tell me that I’m a glutton for punishment because I’m trying so hard to make their childhood wonderful. I’d rather be disappointed trying then not try at all.
God, it’s so hard isn’t it??? Sounds like you’re doing an awesome job though.
My personal favorite is when I yell at my kids to stop yelling. Yeah.
.-= Suzy´s last blog ..About Me And The Voices =-.
If you weren’t thinking about those things, then I would say you’ve got a problem.
Amazing, this came up in our bible study last night! We all have our moments, and I am trying harder to have less of them.
That is a very sweet sentiment. Let me preface what I’m about to say with the fact that I love my mother and can only hope to be as good a parent as she and my dad were. That being said, your kids might remember you yelling at them about the mud, but the vast likelihood is that you will all look back on it and laugh if they do.
My mama SCREAMED at my sister and I because we were arguing over a viewfinder in a hot car driving across the country when we were 5 and 3. It is a vivid memory, and has become a joke in our family. But more than that, I remember on the same trip asking Mama and Dad if I could go down Niagara Falls in a barrel. I’m sure that your parenting will be more remembered for the tickling and Smokies Games and trips to crazy water parks in the mountains.
I love that you wrote this. I feel much the same.
I feel you! Tickling works sometimes at our house, and so does pretending to be asleep (or going “night-night”). And I try to remind myself (over and over again!) that redirecting and distracting often works better than yelling. But it’s hard…it’s hard when I’m tired, when she’s tired, when it’s hot, when it’s cold. It’s just hard.
But wow – when I get those giggles after tickling or “sleeping” or whatever silly tactic we’re using today – it’s SO WORTH IT.
.-= Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect´s last blog ..Things I Love Thursday: My Laptop =-.
I struggle with this all of the time. I worry that my day will live forever in my child’s brain as an example of how awful I was as a mom.
.-= Michelle Smiles´s last blog ..Favorite post =-.
Love the quote. Never heard it before but am loving it.
Moreso, we all worry about the same things. I know I do. Daily.
.-= OHmommy´s last blog ..I blogged about "it" and "it" got us fired. =-.
That was my most favoritest post of yours ever. Ever, ever.
I worry about this all the time. What memories will pop into my kids’ heads? I feel like I remember everything about my childhood, good and bad. I would hate for the things my girls remember the most to be the times I lost my cool and yelled or wasn’t otherwise at my nicest…
Nicely summed up…
.-= LZ´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: There once was a girl… =-.
What a beautifully written post!
I imagine finding a balance between discipline and being overly disciplined will be hard for me when we have kids.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job even though you’re questioning yourself. You’re a fabulous mom and I can tell even just by reading your blog. Keep it up, lady!
.-= valerie´s last blog ..Puppet. Muppet. Want. =-.
Amen! Couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m always worried about what my kids will remember about their childhood and how I will scar them.
OK so there isn’t one right way or one wrong way to raise kids. But if I had to pick, I’d say you are doing it pretty right.
Sometimes they need the outbursts, as much as it pains us after the fact. Hell, WE need them just as much. You’re teaching boundries right along side giving them really great memories of their childhood. I promise, you’re doing this so so right and it is perfectly ok to feel like its wrong once in awhile.
.-= Miss´s last blog ..Kid-isms Part 3 =-.
They will be the ones that last, the good ones, the joy. And, the other ones will make them stronger. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself, every day.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Maybe Baby =-.
Beautiful post. I feel that way often.
i suspect your children will only be minimally damaged
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..It’s Hump Week. =-.
Thanks for the book suggestion, I have not read that one. I loved his book… For One more Day. We are going to be going to a free parenting class next month with the book titled Parenting Young Children: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Children Under Six. It got great reviews. Every bit of advice helps.
This post took the words right out of my mouth (as most of your posts do). I also don’t want to be remembered as the Mom who yelled and lost her cool all the time. This happens to us all… lets just try to not let it happen as often, but we are only human… and children are not perfect either. They will survive, and so will we (although some days are harder than others, hahaha)
So true. Somedays I feel like I get it right. I’m feel comfortable in motherhood. Then there are days when I feel like I have completely failed them. Like you, I hope they remember the good days and the bad ones don’t shatter them.
What a great post. I know that my patience has expanded since having my daughter, but I know that there is a lot of work still to do. And every time I lose my temper I swear I will never do it again, I will never raise my voice again. but the reality of it is that we are all human, we just have to accept when we stumble and try to do better next time.
.-= mountainmomma18´s last blog ..I may have been banned from Panera, or how I almost beat someone to death with their laptop =-.
i have always wondered what my kids have taken away from their childhoods. i listen when they talk at our infamous family (birthday) dinners, and i am amazed at what they say and remember.
they’re adults. all but one, anyway. and i find it so odd that we all survived each other.
.-= the planet of janet´s last blog ..After midnight =-.
That quote? I run that over in my head at least once a day. So true, so true.
And, while we’re on vacation, my son has been impossible. Perhaps he senses that I want him to ‘behave’ and am stressed to be showing off the kids to relatives and in public when they aren’t acting like perfect angels. But, it’s hard, so hard.
For some odd reason I’m crying, I think because this post put all my worst fears right there for me to see. I also add that I fear my children will remember me as never being around, with their most fond memories being of the woman who watches them during the day.
The fact that you are examining this reveals how good of a parent you are, and tells me that your fingerprints will be all over your children — for the better.
.-= mrs. chicken´s last blog ..Simple Magic =-.
If I don’t yell at my kids or mess up on something, who in the world will the blame for their problems in the future? Themselves? As in a generation of Americans who take responsibility for their own actions? GASP!
.-= Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last blog ..I Have Animal Magnetism =-.
I agree with Rabbi’s Wife. My girls are 14 and 11 and I know that it wasn’t the easiest living with me when they were younger.
Also, don’t try to the be mom you think you should be. Be the mom you are. If you put too much pressure on yourself you are bound to over analyze everything you do with the kids and end up stressing yourself out.
xoxo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Sixteen things =-.
I remember my mom saying to me once – “He is not going to hold the yelling against you – as long as you love him it won’t phase him – he knows it’s your job.”
I try to remember that when I feel like I’ve been yelling all day – you should too…:-)
.-= Don Mills Diva´s last blog ..Fear =-.
I don’t think the smudge prints will last. They fade and wipe clean easily.
(At least, I hope that’s the case, after my poor mothering yesterday.)
It’s the shattering–real abuse…neglect…a lack of love…that will hurt and change a child so badly, I think.
Wow. Just… ditto.
I know exactly how you feel. Exactly.
.-= Leslie´s last blog ..She’s One Tough Cookie =-.
What a great post….I know I worry everyday that I am permanently screwing my kids up because it seems like some days all I do is yell. I only hope they can feel the love I really feel for them thru my exasperation.
Kids don’t make permanent memories until they are 4 so just get your shit together by then and you’ll be in the clear ; )
.-= Juliet´s last blog ..Life Inc. from Douglas Rushkoff =-.