I just thought you all should know that the hole in the crotch of Spanx that I assume is for bathroom convenience, doesn’t work as intended.** It’s not important how I know this, just that I know this. Please don’t make me explain in detail, it’s just too humiliating.
What? You don’t understand? Fine. Here’s one word to describe the calamity I experienced. MOIST. Happy now?
**Spanx hole intended use. (I suppose there is another reason there could be a hole in the crotch of Spanx besides for tinkling, but no. We are not discussing that here! My delicate eyes! My delicate eyes! Don’t you know this is a family blog?! ?) (Well, okay, we’ll talk about it quickly since we’re in the safety of parentheses.) (Ooh, look! Parentheses! It’s almost like I’m talking to myself. No one can really see what I’m writing!) (Why on earth would you get it on while wearing Spanx?) (I don’t really even want my husband to know that I own or have a reason to own Spanx.) (As much as I love that Spanx are completely unnoticeable when I’m clothed, they are QUITE OBVIOUS when I’m not clothed, therefore, NO.) (I would not use the hole in Spanx for the loooove.) (Carry on. Let’s pretend this conversation never happened.) (Ooh look! Is that Johnny Depp over there?!)
Knot
August 13, 2009 at 3:46 am
I used to buy lingerie for a girl I dated that had that same part missing. I enjoyed that part of the design. Admit it, you have a few pieces of lingerie like that!
Knot´s last blog ..I am a fan of the trick play
ClassyFabSarah
Twitter: ClassyFabSarah
August 13, 2009 at 5:14 am
I believe the hole is for a little air flow.
I’m just sayin.
ClassyFabSarah´s last blog ..I Love Reading
Jen L.
August 13, 2009 at 6:57 am
I once worked with an actress who made the costume designer cut all the crotch out of her panty hose so she could go to the bathroom faster. Apparently that got messy more than once…
I’m with you–no lovin’ in the Spanx!
Jen L.´s last blog .."2 Weeks in DC" OR "A Barf Story"
Marinka
Twitter: MarinkaNYC
August 13, 2009 at 7:05 am
I’m pretty sure it’s there so that you have to buy a patch for it. (Weirdo).
Marinka´s last blog ..Oy
Wendy M
August 13, 2009 at 8:06 am
I always thought the hole was just for breathing room, so you aren’t completely encased in polyester all day. But I appreciate you making a bathroom attempt! Yikes!
Jennifer
Twitter: playgroupie
August 13, 2009 at 9:35 am
Sarah, I’m not buying the “air flow” theory. Just sayin’, wearing the Spanx sans undies wasn’t exactly comfy! Sure there was air flow, but I much prefer the feeling of undies!
Jennifer
Twitter: playgroupie
August 13, 2009 at 9:36 am
Wendy, I’m not buying the “air flow” theory. Just sayin’, wearing the Spanx sans undies wasn’t exactly comfy! Sure there was air flow, but I much prefer the feeling of undies!
C @ Kid Things
Twitter: kidthingsnet
August 13, 2009 at 10:11 am
I have never worn Spanx, although I’m sure I could use it, but now I have this… vision… in my head. Of holes and love and…
Johnny Depp! Where?!
C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..For the Love of America
Karly
August 13, 2009 at 10:46 am
I’ve always been too scared to try the hole. I just know I’d pee all over myself.
patois
Twitter: patois42
August 13, 2009 at 11:22 am
Brings to mind Bridge Jones’s Diary and Hugh Grant’s obsession with her control-top gargantuan underwear.
patois´s last blog ..Incompetence is a Job Requirement
Twenty Four At Heart
August 13, 2009 at 11:39 am
I wrote about this VERY topic right before BlogHer. Spanx My Bottom, crooked pee and what THE HOLE is for! : )
http://www.TwentyFourAtHeart.com/twenty_four_at_heart/2009/07/spanx-my-bottom.html
Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..Hawaii – Day 11
Sarcastic Mom
Twitter: SarcasticMomLC
August 13, 2009 at 1:57 pm
So, I wonder what a Go Girl could do for your “Spanx Hole.”
Ok. That just isn’t right. Say that out loud.
I can’t even continue after typing that.
I’m sorry.
Leaving now.
MommyNamedApril
Twitter: MommyNamedApril
August 13, 2009 at 3:18 pm
this was hilarious
i totally stumbled it.
and, while i’m too cheap to buy anything but the Target version of Spanx (Assets) which do not contain ‘the hole’, i think… (if i were going to take advantage of the hole, it would be while clothed. that being said, we haven’t had sex outside the confines of our bedroom in, oh… more years than one hand can count. so, it’s hardly an issue.)
it’s a really good thing i put that all in parenthesis, bc i wouldn’t want the internets to know that much about me.
MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..Deep Thought for the Day…
amy2boys
Twitter: amy2boys
August 13, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Ha! I think I snorted a little Maker’s Mark up my nose just now.
amy2boys´s last blog ..Back-to-School Give-Away & A Wiggly Teaser
Zoeyjane
August 13, 2009 at 11:08 pm
The Spanks and the love could totally work together if it was while you were clothed in an outfit reminiscent of Kelly ala the first two seasons of Married with Children. That being said, I thought the hole was a myth.
I stand corrected.
Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On what I wanna be when I grow up
Shelli
August 13, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Did you know…if you hold a pair of Spanx up-side-down, they look just like a shirt-type garment?
My daughter brought my Spanx to me and said, “Mommy, is this my shirt?” I looked at the thing she was holding, and for the life of me I could not remember buying her that shirt!
Then, she wanted me to explain to her what they were. ugh!
Shelli´s last blog ..Responsibilities
Julie @ the calm before the stork
August 13, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Your conversation in parentheses was utterly hilarious. My vote for best use of punctuation in a blog post.
Julie @ the calm before the stork´s last blog ..elent evaporates
Joe @ Irrational Dad
August 14, 2009 at 5:39 am
I immediately clicked on the Spanx website because I had no idea what it/they was/were. As soon as the page loaded I said (out loud), “I’m not comfortable here,” and quickly left.
My theory also involves air-flow. Maybe without the hole, an air-tight seal would be formed, creating a vacuum. It would then make it insanely difficult to remove the Spanx at the end of the day. Or maybe I’m just a dude that’s way over-complicating things.
Joe @ Irrational Dad´s last blog ..bananas
Jane
August 14, 2009 at 9:27 am
Maybe you picked up the cross dresser pair by mistake!
Trenches of Mommyhood
Twitter: sarahviz
August 14, 2009 at 9:40 am
The word “moist” makes me involuntarily gag. For real.
Trenches of Mommyhood´s last blog ..Rules To Live By
Corinne
August 14, 2009 at 11:10 am
I’m dying laughing between your post and all the comments!
Corinne´s last blog ..Channeling Mrs. Parker
Miss
August 14, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I still have no clue what the hole is for. Why don’t I get it? Am I that sleep deprived?
Sigh.
Miss´s last blog ..The Heart of Life
sam {temptingmama}
Twitter: temptingmama
August 14, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I totally grabbed a GoGirl at BlogHer for my Spanx Hole.
I’m not ashamed.
And! I hate wearing them because sometimes… things…. they get caught down there…. yanno?
But underwear underneath? That’s just too much for me.
Did I just go TMI in your comments? Leave it up to me!! LOL
sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Once a cheater …
lceel
August 14, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Thank you, Jennifer. You have given me a whole new set of mental pictures to work with here. Not quite sure where this is going .. but hey! Could be fun, right?
lceel´s last blog ..Friday haiku – Dead Gremlins
AuntieE
August 14, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Where, oh where is that Johny,lol. I didn’t know about the spandx thing,mums the word..but I will say who on earth would wear them during the——- It must be for the bathroom thing however made by tiny people for tiny people land in another earthly plain. the one we can not see..Now the real question is how did it get here?
AuntieE´s last blog ..Aloha Friday – Favorite Blogs?
AuntieE
August 14, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Thought I should tell you how I got here…After reading your story I got caught up and forgot to Mention… Liz@My Messy Paradise link your blog on my Aloha Friday Favorite Blog day. I have to say I like your blog.
AuntieE´s last blog ..Aloha Friday – Favorite Blogs?
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake
August 14, 2009 at 7:57 pm
If that IS Johnny Depp over there, there better be a hole in my Spanx.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last blog ..Welcome to the School of Hard Knocks, My Boy
rachel-asouthernfairytale
August 14, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Knowing you. KNowing your voice and your real life facial expressions… I am quite hysterically giggling over this.
Mrs. C.
August 14, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Out of curiosity I went to the Spanx website. How come none of the models appear to even REMOTELY have need of slimming elastic undergarments?!
Amber
August 14, 2009 at 11:02 pm
I can’t believe I’ve never even seen Spanx in real life. I now feel very sheltered. Also, I could seriously use some, but I’m not sure I can buy them with a straight face, thanks to you. Because of the hole and the moist and the looove.
I am ruined for Spanx forever.
Amber´s last blog ..Making the Most of Maternity Leave: Tracey and Missy
Mommy Cracked
August 15, 2009 at 12:34 am
I’m crying laughing because I had to BEG my cousin not to use the Spanx Hole with her bridesmaid dress on recently. This post proves I was right.
Mommy Cracked´s last blog ..There He Goes Again
Fairly Odd Mother
August 15, 2009 at 9:14 am
I heard about the pee hole in Spanx and was so skeeved out by this b/c I know I’d pee on myself for sure. I also grabbed a Go Girl but more for my 2nd child who always has to go to the bathroom when we’re out in the middle of nowhere—I have a sneaky suspicion she may pee all over me when we try to use this though.
Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Looks like we’ll be enjoying the fresh air alone
Nap Warden
August 15, 2009 at 5:00 pm
OK…I don’t own Spanx. I know, they are supposed to be great, everyone has them, even Oprah. They have a hole…there…I’m a bit scared!
Nap Warden´s last blog ..Roar of The Little Man
Julie @ Angry Julie Monday
August 15, 2009 at 11:15 pm
I don’t own any Spanx either. Do I need some?
And I totally thought of the Go Girl too, which btw I think is totally gross!
Julie @ Angry Julie Monday´s last blog ..Friday Fun: The Summer Fun Tag
the planet of janet
Twitter: Janet Daw
August 16, 2009 at 12:41 am
did someone say johnny depp????
the planet of janet´s last blog ..Weekly Winners: August 9-15
Jennifer
Twitter: playgroupie
August 16, 2009 at 11:10 am
Mrs. C, I KNOW!! They could have used models that were at least a size 4. Those women were 0’s. Completely ridiculous.
The Glamorous Life
August 16, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Its for pee.
Of course I don’t know who has pee skillz like that. I mean when I pee it is a crap shot where the heck it will go. Up? Down? Who knows!
Perhaps this is where pee-practice helps?
(Marcy shut up now. This is gross. And you are talking about your pee IN PUBLIC. )
The Glamorous Life´s last blog ..How to offend. Ask me. I am a pro.
Slynnro
August 16, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Spanx make me look FATTER.
Mad Woman
Twitter: MadWomanMeg
August 17, 2009 at 2:50 am
Do they make Spanx big enough for moi? Orca size I think is what it would be. Though I’m not sure that I want to fight with a hole that may or may not be suitable for nookie or pee. The experimenting might be interesting though.
Mad Woman´s last blog ..103 years and no more time
ben
August 18, 2009 at 8:07 am
I’ve always been too scared to try the hole