I lay awake for hours last night, my stomach in knots, my head spinning, as I contemplated the State of our Marriage. Tate and I seem to drift further and further apart, both of us in the wrong. Or at least that’s what I should say on my blog since he’s not here to defend himself.
As the minutes of the still night turned into hours of a panicked night, I grew angrier and angrier as Tate seemed to rest easily, completely unaware that there is even a crack in the State of our Marriage. Maybe it didn’t even matter that he was sleeping. Even when he’s awake I haven’t felt like we could really have a heart to heart conversation anyway. I am continually on a quest to improve myself, as a mother and a wife, trying to figure out ways to hold my tongue and not break every marriage confrontation rule in the book. And yet he slept, soundly and without worry while I carried the entire burden myself.
I always do.
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I woke up in a sleep deprived fog and mentally willed myself to put on a smiling face. Carson was, of course, in his true form, mouthy and argumentative from the moment I whispered, “good morning my sunshine boy,” in his ear.
I read somewhere online about choosing a word to strive for as your goal for the year. My word is calm. As Carson’s protests continued, I kept repeating my mantra. “Calm. Calm. Calm. Calm.”
Humor sometimes helps to ease the mood and repair rifts that develop between Carson and I. His humor can be as healing to me, even though it’s in no way his intent.
“My elbow hurts,” Carson whined, as he had whined about every single detail of the morning.
“Well you know what that means, don’t you?” I inquired, as seriously as I could. “It means that I’ll have to saw your arm off.”
Concerned, Carson protested. “But then I won’t be able to hug you and daddy and Ella!”
I hugged him and told him that mommy was making a joke and just wanted him to laugh.
“But mommy, I can’t laugh. I’m too tired. And I’m thirsty.” WHINE, WHINE, WHINE.
“What would you like to drink? How about some beer?” I jested, hoping he caught my joke.
“But MOM! Only people who are OLD year-olds can drink beer!” He giggled. “Chocolate milk. Please.”
Before we left for preschool drop off, I tried to get Carson to take some cough medicine. He was not having any of it, claiming he didn’t need it.
“GOING TO BED IS ANOTHER WAY TO TREAT A COUGH!” he screamed at me as I chased him with the dose of medicine that eventually spilled all over me, Carson, and the floor.
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I wish I could say that the burdens and worries of the State of our Marriage and the lack of sleep and dealing with Carson’s four years of difficult behavior didn’t finally trigger my switch.
Calm?
Not this time. I lost my cool. I yelled, in a way that could not be described as calm or using humor to diffuse the anger.
Now I have even more to lose sleep over tonight.
Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels
February 6, 2010 at 3:23 pm
isn’t it interesting how oblivious they are to these things? I find it irritating sometimes, but mostly strange.
I hope the State of your Marriage improves, and that it does thanks to an effort to both of you. Hugs.
Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels´s last blog ..Outfit of the Week: WWAW? (What Would Alice Wear?)
texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana
February 6, 2010 at 7:21 pm
Did I write this?
texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana´s last blog ..Just a typical 25 minutes
Fairly Odd Mother
February 6, 2010 at 10:42 pm
That is perhaps what drives me most batty: the feeling that the burden of so much responsibility lies on my shoulders. I’m so sorry you are lying awake dealing with this all. I may borrow your calm mantra but will add “it’s ok” to the mix. Hugs to you.
Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..The lollipop plant miracle that mere mortals can perform
Blabbermouse
February 7, 2010 at 1:10 pm
Sending good vibes on the SOYM.
Can so relate to the striving for calm. Ohhhhh can I relate. I am the queen of the ugly scream. My mother in law gave me a book called Every Day We Begin Again, and just the title I keep going back to. Okay, new day, try again. Good luck out there!
Anna See
February 7, 2010 at 5:11 pm
i can relate.
hugs to you.
Anna See´s last blog ..Drink Coffee Do Good Giveaway!
Michelle
February 7, 2010 at 10:11 pm
Sorry! I have definitely had those days where one thing leads to another until your frustration finally boils over. I hope you had a relaxing weekend.
Stacia
February 7, 2010 at 10:24 pm
Been a while since this post. You OK over there? =<
Stacia´s last blog ..Pocket Change
Krista
February 7, 2010 at 11:13 pm
Can I just join you in the crying? Although my husband is fairly decent about taking some blame for the things that go wrong somehow he is so good with words that I end up feeling like even though he is taking responsibility it’s mostly a problem because I’m the problem. That I’m lazy and don’t appreciate him and don’t know how to change the things that are wrong with me while he’s doing all the changing. And then I do end up sobbing on the couch while he wants to know what he can do to help when all I really need is a good cry. Ugh. Can you tell I’ve done this recently?
amy2boys
February 7, 2010 at 11:51 pm
I did not read this until now. I hope the weekend helped. It was so good to see you! (SERENITY NOW!)
amy2boys´s last blog ..Click
lceel
February 8, 2010 at 9:09 am
I think I have been back to this post a half dozen times in the last few days. It’s not the “Big Talk” that’s necessary. It’s “Little Talk”. Lots and lots of Little Talk – all the time. Open lines of communication. Don’t sit on anything. Don’t let HIM sit on anything. Make him talk to you – and make yourself talk to him.
If, in all this conversation, you two find out there’s nothing left to talk about – well, at least then you’ll know, and you won’t be agonizing over it while he sleeps the night away.
More likely, though, is that you both will find out how much you care for and about each other – and that can’t be anything but a good thing.
lceel´s last blog ..Monday Meanders 2-8
VDog
February 9, 2010 at 5:45 pm
XOXO
VDog´s last blog ..I Got It Up…