I lay awake for hours last night, my stomach in knots, my head spinning, as I contemplated the State of our Marriage. Tate and I seem to drift further and further apart, both of us in the wrong. Or at least that’s what I should say on my blog since he’s not here to defend himself.
As the minutes of the still night turned into hours of a panicked night, I grew angrier and angrier as Tate seemed to rest easily, completely unaware that there is even a crack in the State of our Marriage. Maybe it didn’t even matter that he was sleeping. Even when he’s awake I haven’t felt like we could really have a heart to heart conversation anyway. I am continually on a quest to improve myself, as a mother and a wife, trying to figure out ways to hold my tongue and not break every marriage confrontation rule in the book. And yet he slept, soundly and without worry while I carried the entire burden myself.
I always do.
***********
I woke up in a sleep deprived fog and mentally willed myself to put on a smiling face. Carson was, of course, in his true form, mouthy and argumentative from the moment I whispered, “good morning my sunshine boy,” in his ear.
I read somewhere online about choosing a word to strive for as your goal for the year. My word is calm. As Carson’s protests continued, I kept repeating my mantra. “Calm. Calm. Calm. Calm.”
Humor sometimes helps to ease the mood and repair rifts that develop between Carson and I. His humor can be as healing to me, even though it’s in no way his intent.
“My elbow hurts,” Carson whined, as he had whined about every single detail of the morning.
“Well you know what that means, don’t you?” I inquired, as seriously as I could. “It means that I’ll have to saw your arm off.”
Concerned, Carson protested. “But then I won’t be able to hug you and daddy and Ella!”
I hugged him and told him that mommy was making a joke and just wanted him to laugh.
“But mommy, I can’t laugh. I’m too tired. And I’m thirsty.” WHINE, WHINE, WHINE.
“What would you like to drink? How about some beer?” I jested, hoping he caught my joke.
“But MOM! Only people who are OLD year-olds can drink beer!” He giggled. “Chocolate milk. Please.”
Before we left for preschool drop off, I tried to get Carson to take some cough medicine. He was not having any of it, claiming he didn’t need it.
“GOING TO BED IS ANOTHER WAY TO TREAT A COUGH!” he screamed at me as I chased him with the dose of medicine that eventually spilled all over me, Carson, and the floor.
***********
I wish I could say that the burdens and worries of the State of our Marriage and the lack of sleep and dealing with Carson’s four years of difficult behavior didn’t finally trigger my switch.
Calm?
Not this time. I lost my cool. I yelled, in a way that could not be described as calm or using humor to diffuse the anger.
Now I have even more to lose sleep over tonight.
You speak for all of us. I’m so thankful, so often, that there are “no flies on my walls”…
Start over. reset – you sound like an awesome mama…
.-= Allison Zapata´s last blog ..Oldies But Goodies =-.
This makes me all achy for you. Wish I could make you feel better but unfortunately sometimes life just sucks and all you can really do is put your head down and plow through it, keeping some glimmer of hope that time will make things better. It WILL, you know. Hang in there. Sending many good thoughts your way today.
.-= Bejewell´s last blog ..Jesus Wants Steve Jobs Dead Just As Much As You Do, Sprint. Let’s All Work Together. =-.
This is the story of my life…kudos to you for being able to talk about it. I mean, aren’t I just SUPPOSED to be happy?
Some days I feel like I could write this post! It’s always nice to hear you’re not alone! And you’re not. My son is only 14 months old, but the behavior problems have already started and I was cursed with a bad temper. I try to repeat “calm” to myself all. day. long! Anyway, thanks for having the guts to admit openly that sometimes us mamas just can’t keep our composure! And you know what? It’s okay…don’t beat yourself up! We’re only human.
.-= Chelsea´s last blog ..Reviewing Resolutions. =-.
I know it’s futile to say, but don’t lose sleep. A wise person once told me that tomorrow is a new day. So whatever mistakes you made today, all you can do is just try and not make them tomorrow.
It’s impossible not to yell at your kids and lose your temper, and I think it’s almost unrealistic to have them grow up with parents who never yell or get upset. I mean, how will they learn to deal with the real world when a boss yells at them? So really, you’re doing them a favor:)
.-= Gail´s last blog ..Drumroll Please =-.
we’ve all been there. i would say confront tate. it’s hard, it sucks and usually ends up in sobbing (for me, anyways) but i always find we (i) feel so much better afterward.
and ZOMG THE WHINING. if you figure out a cure for this, please pass it along. my oldest whines constantly and it makes me want to put a drill bit between my ears.
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..BOYS! =-.
After being snowbound this weekend with two girls who are seemingly angelic one minute and act like the spawn of Satan the next…I feel your pain.
It always seems to be timed the second my husband pulls into the driveway, too.
Hang in there. Maybe you and your husband need a date weekend?
Everything I want to say right now feels like it’s SO cliche…even though it is well intended.
So…I’ll just say: Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for speaking for many of us even if that wasn’t your intention.
Also: cyber hugs. And please, please, please…know you are not alone.
Dana
.-= Dana´s last blog ..Love Thursday =-.
I wish I had something wonderful and insightful to say, but of course I do not. I would just say. I, like many, many people have been there, am there on any given day, and I understand.
(((Hugs)))
.-= Mom24´s last blog ..Resolutions Revisited =-.
As others have said, I think we could all write this post on any given day. I have done the lying awake at night worrying about the State of our Marriage and had the same angry feelings toward my husband for not being awake and wanting to work on it at the moment I am. My problem, with the drifting apart thing, is that I can intellectually know that *I* have to change some things in order for them to start to get better. We don’t necessarily have to sit down and have a BIG TALK and both vow to do better (done that a few times…). BUT, it is hard to be the first one to start the more loving, understanding behavior that will head the marriage back into the right direction when so many resentments are there. I don’t WANT to be the one to do it. AND, where exactly do we find the time to connect back to each other in between work and the kids? Ugh…
I’ve also had the moments with the kids that are either based on some other frustration going on or my lack of patience.
Hang in there.
Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
Thinking of you, and hoping things get brighter soon. I yell at my kids way too much. All we can do is try.
I ran across this quote today and loved it, so I’ll share with you:
“Let everything happen to you – the beauty, the terror. Just keep going, no feeling is final.” ~Rilke
.-= rima´s last blog ..Vocabulary Lesson =-.
Thank you SO MUCH for the quote. It’s perfect. I like it so much, I’d like to have it framed or tattooed.
ohhh – that is a great quote.
.-= Cathy´s last blog ..I love Mondays… =-.
There are times in my life that I could have written this very post. I’m sure there will be times in my future that I will write or want to write this post. Your feelings are unique to you and your family, but you’re not alone. Hugs.
.-= Stimey´s last blog ..What’s New With You? =-.
Oh, Jennifer. I feel ya. I really do. Chad has this list of things (compliments, really, very sweet ones too) that he tries to tell me every day. This morning, on the way to the airport for 10 days of work in Cali-friggin-fornia, I screwed up and threw Chance’s apple away before he was finished with it. Then Chad decides it’s time to tell me all the wonderful things. Then I cry. He asks what is wrong. I tell him nothing. He didn’t buy it, naturally. I tell him that I feel like a big fat loser. He then says something so profound that I hate him for it.
“If you had just told me those sweet things and then I cried and said I felt like a big fat loser, what would you think?”
One of us is married to such an asshole.
.-= Auburn Gal Always (Keri)´s last blog ..wait just a minute =-.
Hugs. Hope things get way better soon.
.-= Carrie´s last blog ..Okay, so all my posts are going to be totally random from now on. Just expect that. =-.
I hear ya. I do this a lot. Take on all the worry, all the responsibility to make things better, and then I resent for being the only one to do it.
Calm is my goal this year, too, even though I slammed two doors last night and yelled at the dog.
Such an honest post. I am sure that most women can relate to it. I know I can. So thank you for your honesty.
You bare too much silently. Just when I think my marriage is at its worst I spill the beans and realize that all is well. I hope it is the same for you.
.-= Kat´s last blog ..WW- Meeting Our New Neighbors =-.
This is just what I was thinking. Huge things that you feel like you shouldn’t have to bear alone, but do anyway.
.-= IveyLeagueMama´s last blog ..Sometimes =-.
Hugs. And a big ear for you to vent. Soon enough!
.-= Trenches of Mommyhood´s last blog ..Update on the Jewelry Sitch =-.
I could have written this myself. My son has begun to argue with me and it is irritating beyond belief. It must be the age…..because the whining is in full force and I, too, eventually get to the point where I just snap & later feel like the worst mom ever. I just try to keep thinking of that damn country song that says, “you’re gonna miss this, you’re gonna want this back”…..it is so true.
It’s all SO HARD sometimes. Marriage, parenting, life. Concentrate on taking one step, then another, then another. Small bites.
Hang in there. HUGS!!!
.-= Suzy Voices´s last blog ..Training Montage =-.
I yelled at my middle one today for no reason really. I feel awful about it and later apolgized to him. We are all good moms sometimes we jut have bad moments. Good luck and I hope things get better.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Baked Salmon or Steelhead =-.
apologize. forgive. take a me moment. breathe.
and know that what your little guy will actually remember about these moments are that you love him.
not that you yelled.
as for the big guy issues … i’m still working on that one too. i’m thinking kids put stress on a marriage. and just hoping that things turn better again when they finally move out.
here’s to another 18 or so years of stress.
thinking of you.
.-= jen´s last blog ..public service announcement. =-.
Hang in there dear!! I sort of know how you are feeling….I’ll be honest…when my dear husband worked in good ol’ TN and working such long hours and crazy times we too were at our wits end. To the point of me driving off one weekend with the boys in tow. I told him to either leave this job or move or Im outta here. That job your husband has is a crazy job, a job that puts marriages at risk if you ask me:). However once my dear husband realized what was happening he knew things needed to change and thus we are here in IN. Our marriage is on fire and we are doing great. There are those tough tough times in marriages, but dont’ give up!! I’ll pray things start changing around there for your husbands job!!!!
Oh, Jennifer. I lose my cool so often with my children and I wish I wouldn’t. However, I can absolutely say there is a direct correlation between my patience level and how my hubby and I are getting along. If we are in a valley, and all marriages are at times, I’m much more apt to be snappy. My patience is higher when things are good.
You are not alone. I love your honesty and ability to “get real.” I’m also glad to know I’m not the only that loses it.
Now go get some rest tonight. Do something fun. Seriously.
.-= Natalie´s last blog ..Wisdom from “The Girls from Ames” =-.
I really hate days like that. I’ve been there, and I know just how you feel. Thanks for letting all of us know we aren’t the only ones in this fight to balance marriage, motherhood, and sanity. Hang in there Jennifer.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..counting =-.
I agree…Such an honest post. Two subjects…1) kids. Forgive yourself. We have all lost our cool. Start fresh and be kind to yourself. Being a mama is a tough job!! 2) Marriage. I think we have all been right there too. My mom once told me that every marriage that lasts a significant period of time has phases when neither person likes each other. It is so hard and I speak from experience. Hang in there and go back to what you know you should do…date nights, kinder words. ~hugs~
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Spoilers? =-.
4-year olds are hard work. Trust me – I just finished 36 parent/teacher conferences where I told these parents how wonderful their children are and they told asked me, “Who the hell are you talking about?” oh yeah, that and Quinn can be so difficult at home and is “perfect” at school.
Also – being married is hard work. It really is. Just plain hard work.
Hugs to you…
.-= Cathy´s last blog ..I love Mondays… =-.
I totally could have written this. The marriage stuff, the kid stuff, the yelling too much/too loud/ etc. I get so upset with myself for loosing my patience with my kids, especially when I loose if for little stuff.
I don’t think it helps AT ALL that it DEAD OF WINTER.
.-= Marie Green´s last blog ..Winter Blahs =-.
I don’t know the answer, but I do know this. It will help to talk about it with Tate. Otherwise, it will only get worse. Even if nothing is resolved or accomplished, it will be “out there.” In the open. And he will be thinking about it, whether he can sleep or not. Hang in there.
.-= Stacia´s last blog ..What’s Up, Doc? =-.
One foot in front of the other, baby steps. Even when it feels like you’re not going anywhere.
And if all else fails, I’ve found smashing a stack of plates is a good way to let the OH know something is wrong and we need to have A Talk.
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..Blocked =-.
Uck. It hurt my heart to read this post, partly because my husband and I haven’t been connecting lately as much as in the past. I know he’s feeling the disconnect, and I know I’m lucky that he’s willing to talk about it, but we’re still stalled in our conversation a lot of the time. I wish I could offer more, but all I can really offer is big (hugs) and hopes and prayers that things will get better.
Men just have this ability to *switch off all unessential processes*
The other night I got home at 1am. I wish I could say it was after a night out with the girls of drunken debauchery and fun, but no, was tending my sick dad, dying of cancer in hospital. I had left the house at 7pm after surviving suicide hour(s) from 5-7pm feeding and getting the kids bathed and into pj’s and still managing to shove something vaguely appealing under the husbands nose for dinner. Rush rush rush. Tend tend tend. I got home fell exhausted into bed and the husband did not even wake up. I couldn’t sleep – as exhausted as I was, I was considering every bump in the night, listening to my boys peaceful sleep through the baby monitor…planning meals for the week, recalling the exact location of every last piece of school uniform socks n undies that would be required in exactly 4.5 hours so that I could function when I got up at 5h30am.
No amount of sighing, tossing and turning elicited even the faintest response from the husband. You’d think that he would wake up and at least lovingly ask how my dad was.
It’s no freaking wonder so many women run off with women as soon as their kids are grown up and out the house! (I’m not considering it – but at least it makes some kind of sense!)
.-= NessWorld Magazine´s last blog ..WAHM Feature: Caroline Schafer and Moms On Vacation =-.
Oh Jen, I hear your heart.
It doesn’t help that we women like to talk about how we’re feeling, just getting it out there, and our men hear a problem and want to ‘fix’ it (whether it is their problem or not). I guess they just don’t like hearing our pain (I know my hubby doesn’t, I actually tell him now I don’t want him to fix it, I just want him to listen – only took 20 years).
But, you need to talk to someone, who can listen and maybe find someone to look after Carson and Ella while you and Tate have time out to talk. Writing down what you feel and want to say might help too. I know I wrote my hubby a letter in our early days so that he could read it and hear my heart without jumping to conclusions while I was talking and it made it easier to let him know how I was feeling about what was going on without him feeling he had to defend himself.
Thinking of you
I can relate. It seems like ever since we had Jared my hubby and I have been drifting apart. We are trying to find our way back, but it seems like it’s always me that tries to work on anything and that gets tiresome. How do they sleep so peacefully when at times it feels like our world is crumbling down around us?
Ugh. I could have written this myself.
I so feel your pain on this one, as I’ve been there with both my first AND current husband. I hope that you guys can make the time to talk and get things straightened out. That really is for the best. Hopefully, you’ll have better luck with it than I did. My husband doesn’t think there’s a problem worth talking about unless something is bothering HIM, and that’s usually after it’s bothered him for a long, long time. So when he’s ready to talk? He’s ready to pick a fight about it.
.-= Belle´s last blog ..More dish towels for the collection – Wordless Wednesday #21 =-.
I haven’t read the other responses here – so forgive me if I’m repeating others’ sentiments.
I think the ‘experts’ have painted this utopian ideal of what our marriages should be, and what our mothering style should be, and they are generally painted in a way that leaves the entire responsibility on us, the moms to be contantly ‘good’ at it. Reality is a whole different ball game.
I wonder how many dads feel guilty about how they manage their part in a marriage? Or torture themselves if they’re a little terse at times with the kids?
Cut yourself some slack Jennifer. I know it’s hard to come out and write about stuff like this, and I admire you for doing it. I also know it doesn’t feel good to know that you’ve lost your cool. Believe me, I TRULY know – but all I can do is mentally resolve to try harder not to do it, I’m done beating myself up for not being a perfect mom – none of us are.
This story ran in our local paper yesterday. I think it’s relevant – especially the advice from the 57 year old mom at the end of the piece. http://www.theledger.com/article/20100203/NEWS/2035000/1326?Title=Women-Get-Together-for-Time-With-Adults-and-Without-Children
I hope that you can clear the air with your husband – maybe venting here, and/or on a night out can help you focus yourself to the point where you can command his attention and get to the place where you can both work on things together.
Huge hugs to you…
Hang in there. It sounds lame and stupid, but. . . well, it’s what I’ve got. Our marriage ebs and flows like life. Men don’t seem to want to “fix” things, but they do..they just want it fixed without work because that is how their mind words. “Just fix it!” they seem to scream while we say “We need to talk it out!”
I’ve had those other days with my son too..those total flip out days. You are not alone!
.-= Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings´s last blog ..Today’s posts are bought to you . . . elsewhere =-.
Thank you for your honesty. I have a theory that something was going around yesterday because it was one of my worst, lowest days in recent memory and I’ve heard the same from others on blogs and facebook.
At one point yesterday, I yelled so loud at my four year-old that I peed pants. I am pregnant so that partly accounts for it, but really, I yelled louder than I should have.
Today’s a new day.
.-= mep´s last blog ..Little Bit’s Got Game(s) Too =-.
You are brave to post this.
And to say I relate would be an understatment. I AM LIVING THIS.
There is nothing here i can say to help. Nothing. But I will tell you that sometimes pushing thru it. Just ‘fake it till you feel it’ can help. Don’t try to over analyize or come up with all the answers. Just push thru. And when you get to the otherside? You get clarity.
.-= The Glamorous Life Association´s last blog ..AdTalk: She told them she had a church meeting. =-.
Been there too many times. It’s hard, so very hard.
First time here, will be back. You are honest, genuine, and not alone. Just remember that.
**hugs**
.-= Burgh Baby´s last blog ..Always Be Nice to Your Mother. Always. =-.
Kudos to you for posting this. I do not talk about my marriage on my blog, even though I so want to. Especially since I don’t talk to my husband about it. Ugh.
Sending hugs.
Most moms with young kids draining our energy has had marriage stuff. I sure have. The drifting….so easy to have it happen. But I’m learning more and more that I need to drop my ego most of the time and be the one to start pulling it back to shore. After all, isn’t that us chicks are better at? Communicating?
It sounds to me that maybe you and your man need a weekend away. No big talks, just time together remembering why you decided to become a team?
Just a thought…
Jennifer, I totally get where you are coming from. There have been times when he has been so peacefully asleep while I lay crying and heartbroken, I’ve felt like punching or kicking him in the stomach just so he would have to feel hurt. (Of course, it’s at these times when I’m proud to find I’m standing JUST barely to the right side of the line of sanity and I don’t follow through)
On a related note- I genuinely thought that “DH” meant “damn husband” not “dear,” because I assumed that husbands were generally annoying and a big nuisance most of the time. When I found out what it really meant, I wanted to puke because I am almost always SO irritated with him I could never call him my “dear” anything and I was really sad that other people could speak so nicely about their husbands and I got stuck with the piece of you know what who seems to do stupid things more out of spite than out of the cute ignorance that is man.
I wish I had something to say that could possibly help. But I’m not in the position to talk about saving a marriage. Sigh.
Just know, I’m here. Reading. Hoping for you that tomorrow is a better day.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Things I don’t understand #2 =-.
I’m sorry. I can’t say anything else, but I really hope all is well soon…
I hate those days, when you just know you didn’t do well at the things that matter most. Marriage is hard work, as is parenting of course. I try to remember that Love is not a noun it is a verb. It is a work in progress. Be honest with yourself and the kids and your husband. If you can. Holding it in takes more energy then letting it out I think. I know, it’s easier said than done. {{{hugs}}}
Wow. I’ve felt this same way, over and over again. He snores and I get angry. It’s tough but I’m with you. Don’t beat yourself up.
.-= Sommer´s last blog ..It is a Journey: Live and Learn =-.
I read this and it’s like you were sleeping on my butter yellow sheets…. Only I nudged him in the middle of the night and said “I am lonely and you are right here.” That woke him up and got us talking.
Somtimes you have to just say something.
We are far from fixed, because relationships are longer and more work than any 40 hr a week job. But at least that elephant in the room is no longer invisible.
Your blog has my attention because it’s my voice, every woman’s voice, in things we experience but may not say aloud.
.-= Jules´s last blog ..Oh My Word =-.
I’m sorry you’re having a tough time lately. Knowing you’re not alone doesn’t fix things, but I hope it helps a little. Please talk to Tate. And Carson will figure it out…4 is the new 3 is the new 2, you know. You’re doing fine, my friend, you’re doing just fine. We all blow every once in awhile…such is this crazy life.
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..Pillow talk =-.
Sending a hug your way, Jennifer. I wish you “calm” this year. In every aspect of your life.
P.S. I like how your son describes grown-ups. From now on when a child asks me my age, I think I’m going to say, “I’m OLD-years-old.”
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Finding My Bliss (right here) (right now) =-.