I remember exactly how old I was when my mother allowed me to leave the house, roam the neighborhood, and not even bother to tell her where I was going, who I was going to be with, or who the parents were. I remember this because IT NEVER HAPPENED.
When I was in elementary school, my parents knew (or had at least met) my friend’s parents. If I were to walk to one of their houses, it was with the understanding that I would go straight there, I wouldn’t leave and go somewhere else without telling my mom, and while I was there, I’d be polite and respectful.
Mostly, I was a good kid, but I didn’t always follow those rules. There were times that I remember leaving one friend’s house to go to another friend’s house, without calling to tell my mom, and feeling both exhilaration and the pit of fear in my stomach for breaking a major rule. I’m sure that there were times I annoyed my friend’s parents by overstaying my welcome, or eating snacks, and drinking their juice boxes, but I can’t remember ever being purposely rude to a friend’s mom or dad.
We’ve become friends with a family in our neighborhood who have kids the same ages as Carson and Ella. Down the street there is a family that also two kids the same ages as ours, but until recently we never saw them outside. A few months ago, the five year old (I’ll call him Jared), whose parent’s we’ve never met, started coming down to knock on my neighbor’s door to play. He would stay for several hours, only to leave when my neighbor would tell him it was time to go home. Jared has also shown up in my neighbor’s fenced backyard, and tried to open their back door when they didn’t answer the front door.
My neighbors have also seen him roaming around the neighborhood alone on numerous occasions.
Jared has come over to my house a few times, usually with my friend’s son, Aiden. Every time he comes over there is some sort of incident. He ran over my son with our Power Wheels monster truck, literally RAN OVER him. I know it was an accident, but I told Jared that he was no longer allowed to drive the truck because he couldn’t drive it safely. When my husband dumped the water out of our baby pool because all of the boys were getting too rough, Jared threw a fit and kicked the pool, then sassed Tate when he told him that he wasn’t allowed to kick our things.
He’s told my neighbor and I to get him something to eat, or something to drink. “…And be sure to put ice in it.”
These are just things that kids do. The interactions between our boys are things that will happen, kids pick on one another, they’ll be too rowdy, accidents will happen. I’d like to think that I’ve taught Carson to be polite to adults, but I can’t guarantee that he’d act like a model child if I weren’t there to watch…which is exactly the crux of this issue.
Where are Jared’s parents?
My friend let her son walk down to the Jared’s backyard today to play with water balloons. From her backyard, she could watch them as they played. About five minutes later, Jared’s dad came outside and told the boys that if they wanted to play, they needed to go back to Aiden’s house.
Apparently my neighbor (and sometimes me) have been designated Jared’s babysitter.
There are so many things wrong here.
1. Jared’s parents do not know us and have never attempted to meet us. I don’t even know what their names are.
2. Jared has spent entire afternoons at our houses, HOURS, and neither of his parents have come outside to check on him.
3. My neighbor and I don’t appreciate the assumption that OH! Sure we’ll babysit your kid, feed your kid, and give your kid drinks for hours on end.
4. My neighbor and I are worried about Jared’s safety since nobody, besides us, seems to be watching him. He regularly crosses the street without looking, because he’s only FIVE-years-old and doesn’t have the best judgment.
5. Jared is FIVE.
I admit that I don’t really like Jared much, but I know that Carson and Aiden enjoy playing with him. My knee-jerk response is to make a rule that Jared’s not welcome at my house simply because he’s kind of a jerk and because he ran over my kid. My softer side, the one that doesn’t want to shame a child who is only five-years-old, is to make sure that Jared understands our rules and to send him home only if he breaks those rules.
My neighbor and I both are unsure how to handle the situation as a whole. We don’t feel comfortable being responsible for Jared, we don’t want to become his default babysitters, but we don’t really know what we should say to his parents. It’s not like we want to say, “Hey, we watch your kid for hours, you should take a turn and watch our kids, too.” Um, no.
But what do we say?
My suggestion is to tell the parents that they are concerned for their child’s safety. You can even use the story that you have a friend who lives in a nice quiet neighborhood and an unsupervised 4 year old ran right into her driveway as she was backing out of the driveway and she did not see the child. And that it was a very good thing she was not backing out fast as luckily the boy was not hurt but that he very well could have been.
Not to reference Full House, but you have a Kimmy Gibbler. The neighbourhood kid that seems to spend more time at your house than at their own. I’d suggest talking with his parents. If you don’t, the kid will only become more attached to your family.
.-= Distracted Daddy´s last blog ..Not a purse. =-.
I heard of something similar happening to a friend in my neighborhood. I just can’t imagine what the kid’s parents are (or aren’t) thinking. Especially at age 5! I’m not really sure what advice to give, because I can’t wrap my head around it.
But I think I would start by making sure that Jared knew the house rules, as you said. Make sure that he knows that while he plays at your house, with your kids, that he has to follow the rules. And be firm (he’s probably not getting boundaries at home and every kid needs them).
I think I might also let him know that you are not his servant and will not cater to his wants. I’d expect the same politeness from him that I would of my own kid (asking for a drink with a please & a thank you; not complaining; etc.).
I also don’t think you should be afraid to tell Jared when he needs to go home – whenever that might be, for whatever reason. If it’s just not “working” one afternoon, just tell him play time is over and he needs to go home. He’s 5 – he’s definitely not going to know proper limits or how to read social cues for when he’s overstepped boundaries.
Of course, the best thing you can do, but also the hardest, is to try to have a conversation with his parents. My gut tells me that if they’re not concerned about where there 5 year old is for hours at a time, he’s probably not getting a lot of love or attention at home while he is there. Sad.
Anyway, good luck! I hope you figure out something that works for all of you!
.-= punkinmama´s last blog ..happy mother’s day 2010 =-.
I am not the best person to be giving advice. I have little to no tact but….maybe you two should take the time to go over to his house and introduce yourselves to his parents and say something like “Hi, we have enjoyed spending time with your son and we thought it was time that we formally met.” Maybe have a cook out, try to set some ground rules, “he is welcome at our house at these times….like when my kids are outside” Swap phone #’s so you can call if an emergency happens while he is over. If you don’t let him come over and play what type of life will he be living. It sounds like you guys unfortunately have become his refuge. Definately set rule for your house and if he doesn’t fallow them he has to go.
Your post really resonated with me. We have a very similar situation in an urban neighborhood (Brooklyn!). A 4 year-old girl from the apt. building next door has befriended my 3 year-old daughter. She is often watched by her older siblings. But on many occasions she has just come to our house alone and gone up to my daughter’s room to play. She will hang out at our house for hours and even eat dinner with us before we return her to her apartment.
I made sure to introduce myself to her parents and mention that she has actually come inside our house. They were like oh that’s great. These people do not know us from Adam and they are happy to have their 4 year-old daughter play in our house. The child is delightful and her parents are recent immigrants from the Caribbean, so maybe this behavior is just more acceptable there. I would NEVER let my kids go into a stranger’s house EVER. I feel very protective of the little girl and genuinely like her, so I don’t stop her from visiting. I just make sure that we walk her home afterwards so she can get into her building. I am nervous about what could happen to her, but not sure how to approach her parents about it.
She also has a huge cavity in her front tooth. I desperately want to take her to the dentist. It makes me sad to think about her life, but she does come from a close-knit and very nice family. I am hoping I can get to know them a little better and try to make a difference in their lives. But it does break my heart a little.
I think all you can do is try to get to know the family. The people you describe sound troubled, but who knows maybe they just love the free babysitting.
.-= Dara ´s last blog ..Monsters Inc. =-.
Don’t waste your time trying to talk to these people. If you try they will be rude to you
(Feel free to go ahead and ignore little me – but I’ll bet money on it 
)
However –
You have been given a gift.
You get to be The Good Influence in the little shit’s life.
You get to show him a house where there are rules, and the rules make sense and are consistent and have consequences (you might not be able to send him to his room, but if he breaks the rules he has to go home for the day) and also the flip side of rules – a place where little people get hugs along with that discipline they crave.
He’s not going to get it at home, and, despite it not being your job, you get to be the adult influence in his life.
(and your neighbour too)
Think of the karma points you will generate!
Planning on moving yet?
Wise words!
This is what I was going to say.
This kid desperately, desperately needs you, needs a good influence in his life. All babies are born colossal jerks – so self-centered and demanding. It’s a Herculean task to civilize them. Jared’s parents are obviously not up to the task.
I know it’s hard to deal with him and you have your own family and your own worries, but please, please try to think of this poor kid. Can you imagine what it is like growing up with parents who can’t be bothered? How soul crushing that is? This kid is getting the message loud and clear from his folks.
I’m actually pretty amazed he doesn’t act out more than he does. Can you imagine the hurt and rage he must be feeling? His own parents don’t want him around? My heart breaks for him.
Maybe I’m just the first (possibly only) one to react so harshly, but I think I’d call CPS. (or whatever it’s called in TN.) They’re neglecting the kid. They’re not caring for him. They’re not protecting or providing for him. Who is to say that he doesn’t wander outside in the winter without proper clothing, gets wet and dies from hypothermia? Or even worse nightmarish things could happen to him.
Introduce yourself to the non-parents. Don’t let them know of your fears and that you might report them. Set up some ground rules. Explain that Carson is struggling with the differences in what Jared does vs what you and Tate allow. Ask them to respect your privacy.
When they fail to deliver on any of these – which is highly likely, if they don’t even care where their kid is – call CPS. You just might save the boy’s life.
Meanwhile, love that boy with all your heart. He needs it.
I think you should at least introduce yourself to his mother and tell her he’s been out by himself and you’d seen him cross the street, etc. and were concerned. (Just in the off chance she really doesn’t know.) And then if/when he does turn up at your house, gently make him aware of what is/isn’t okay and stick to what you say. He clearly needs some positive influence in his life.
.-= Moriah @ Please Pass the Salt´s last blog ..One of the most precious things ever =-.
That situation totally sucks. I can’t imagine what’s going on with Jared’s parents to be letting him wander aimlessly around the neighborhood.
That said…
approach Jared’s parents with care. What if Jared’s mom is a victim of domestic abuse? Maybe she’s happy he’s not in the house to see what’s going on. What if Jared’s parents do drugs? What if, simply enough, Jared’s mom is depressed and can’t get out of bed, so Jared amuses himself?
I’d say, first reach out to the mom (not that the dad doesn’t need reaching, but if that happens I’d let Tate pave the way for that situation). Get to know her. Figure out what’s going on with her. Once you have a feel for who she is, then you can tell her that you’re concerned for her son’s safety. But, in all reality, if someone I didn’t know told me they were concerned for my child’s safety, I wouldn’t be likely to listen; I’d probably just go on the defensive. If she knows how much you care, you will make a difference in that child’s life, of that I’m sure.
.-= Texan Mama´s last blog ..I’ll Have Friendship, with a Side of Thick Skin =-.
This is astute advice – the kid I describe, below, that this happened with in my ‘hood, I strongly suspect that her dad beats her mom (she showed up with a black eye at a community event, she has that “whipped puppy” way about her, they’re known to have loud fights where the police get called, he’s from a culture that sees women VERY differently from our western culture… etc.).
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Doing Better =-.
I just have to say poor, poor kid. He’s obviously not getting much of anything at home.
My son isn’t that much younger and I make his hold my hand everywhere we go. Like, even when we’re just at Target.
I don’t have anything more to offer than what’s already been said. I agree you need to approach the parents with care. I’m curious to know what’s going on there too. (I can’t believe the Dad shooed him and Aiden away. That’s very telling.) Maybe you and your friend can go over there together and make it more of a “social call”.
In the meantime, you need to stick to your rules at your house. It sucks to have to baby-sit, but you and your friend may be the only thing that kid has in his life.
.-= Formerly Gracie´s last blog ..Getting Schooled =-.
OMG! That’s horrible! I can’t believe parents let their 5-year old meander around the neighborhood like that! I think you need to talk with Jared’s parents and make it clear that they need to keep tabs where there child is and that they know when he comes to your house and preferably ask for permission to play at your house in advance.
Good luck!
.-= Cheryl D.´s last blog ..If She’s Like This Now…. =-.
I know it isn’t the norm in America, but here in Israel a 5 year old alone going to the mini-market, taking the public bus or walking to school (with their 3 year old sibling) is pretty normal. I’d bet the same is true of the Caribbean. part of that is that there is also almost no incidents of kidnapping/molestation by strangers, etc. because the culture is that everyone is responsible for the children here. (I even watched a bus driverleave his bus to beat a man down when he saw the guy grope a kid at the bus stop. and the police let him do it. I think that kind of thing is a big deterrent.) Everyone keeps their eye out for the kids in their neighborhood and gives water or patal (Israeli kool-aid) and Salad/pitas to the children that are in their courtyard. It’s a very socialistic mindset.
That being said, I know it’s NOT that way in America. I agree with most everyone else about rules/enforcing/hugs etc. And if he’s ever really, really neglected, do call CPS.
.-= rabbi’s wife´s last blog ..You cleaned your what?…Why? =-.
By the way, I just want to add that incidents of stranger kidnapping are virtually non-existent in the U.S., too. Yes, we here about every, single one of them, but when you count how many millions of children in the country there are, the chances are less than one in a million of a kid being nabbed by a stranger. But danger sells, so local news outlets run with the story. The actual numbers? Not so scary.
Now there is real and valid danger to children, but molestation is virtually always someone the child knows and the parents trust. There is also kidnapping, but that is all virtually non-custodial parents.
I need to move to Israel.
I have to agree with Keri.
The behavior you describe could very well be signs of neglect or abuse in the home. I strongly urge you make an anonymous report to the child protective services of your city or county. I know you’ll feel rotten doing it, but the child’s well being has to take first place. Please don’t let “Jared” become another statistic.
Rabbi’s wife, I am in Israel, too. My neighbor’s five year old used to be left alone for hours and I’d hear her crying, locked into the house. Her 12 year old brother would have been told to watch her, but once she fell asleep at nap time, he left her to go play football with his friends. Both of the kids would come over to me (single, no children) for sandwiches and juice. This is not a poor neighborhood and both parents work. I finally made an anonymous report. The family is still together, but they seem to have received the help they needed.
Back to your post, Jennifer – talk it over with the other neighbor, but please give serious consideration to calling the child protective services tip line.
Poor kid. When my sisters were small, we had something similar happen except that the kid wasn’t as obnoxious. For about a year, a 6 year old neighbor would show up at our door every day that wasn’t a school day, generally before breakfast, wanting to play with my sisters. It was a complete pain in the ass, and I found it particularly irritating because I had, in fact, been the girl’s paid babysitter a few times, but we generally just went with it. The girls were happy enough to play with her, and although I resented the free babysitting, it’s not like it was a tremendous effort on my part to throw another one in the mix.
There were a few occasions where I had to tell her to go home and at least once she told me that her mother said she “couldn’t go home until 3 pm” or something like that. It turned out that her parents were going through a nasty and complicated divorce. Eventually it settled down, and then they moved away.
I’m not suggesting you need to make this kid your problem, but I don’t think it hurts to be a positive influence in his life, either. He certainly sounds like he could use it. I agree with being very careful with the parents. You just don’t know what’s going on there. I also wouldn’t rush to call child protective services either. I’ve known of some circumstances where cps was called and it had horrible ramifications for the families and kids involved. If he is truly in danger or you’re worried that he’s genuinely neglected, that’s one thing. If you think he just has lousy parents, that doesn’t really warrant something so drastic. Make him follow your rules and send him home when you’ve had enough.
I had the exact same thing (well, not with the power wheels, but with the kid) happen in my neighborhood, so I marched myself to the neighbor’s house and introduced myself and got their phone number. And then I laid down ground rules. All the neighborhood parents know what my rules are (we all kind of agreed on them together – not that all the parents follow them, but they know that I do).
1) My kids are not allowed to take food from neighbors without permission from me, and I will not give anyone else’s kids food without calling for permission. This covers allergies, mainly, but it also prevents me from getting my kids back from the neighbors stuffed with cookies when I want them to eat dinner, which is a pet peeve of mine.
2) My kids are not allowed to ask for anything but water without permission from me, and I will only give neighborhood kids water without calling for permission. I’ve had “tea parties” for the neighborhood girls before, but I always call their moms and ask first.
3) We have certain rules in our house. I honestly don’t care, kid, if the rules at your house are different. If you break my rules, you go home. If you can’t play nicely, you go home. I am not going to mediate fights or make sure you share toys, I am going to summarily send you home to keep the peace in my house. I assume that my kids are correct in this house, and if you’re fighting you must be sick of each other, so buh-bye.
4) My kids are not allowed to go into friends’ houses without express permission, and if they want their friends to come inside and play, those friends need to call home and ask. No kids in my house unless their parents know where they are.
I agonized over all this last summer, but since I put these (four, simple, reasonable) rules in place, my life has been a LOT easier. I talk to my neighbors with kids a lot more, now, and we can keep tabs on each others’ kids. There have been a couple of incidents that I wouldn’t have known about if I hadn’t talked to the other parents (a neighbor kid telling my kid “no you don’t!” when she said, “I have to ask my mom,” being the big stand out – the neighbor kid got lectured).
I review the rules with my kids every time they leave the house, along with “stay out of the street,” and “don’t approach strange dogs.”
It’s time to Mom Up. Good luck.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Doing Better =-.
I’m with the folks calling whatever authority there is in TN… you might just be seeing the tip of the iceberg. Roaming around the neighborhood at 5 years old – alone – WRONG! What if something happens to him while he is at your house playing – you will have NO clue about his medical history, etc… you should at bare minimum have a phone # or NAME for his parents. Call someone, let them know what’s up. If he comes to play again, confront his parents to get at least their names/phone number in case of an emergency. Make him follow your rules while he is at your house – there are rules and there are consequences (for him and his parents).
Ah, so you have a neighborhood feral child, too!
We have a five year old who lives behind us (their house is behind us, their driveway runs alongside our backyard) and used to roam the neighborhood, knock on our doors at all hours, yell over our fence at my daughter. She would stay and play if allowed, telling me she was allowed to play “in the neighborhood” by herself and, though she had terrible manners, she responded to our house rules reasonably well. Still, it was annoying and where were these parents??
I got over my shyness and went over there one day to introduce myself, get their phone number and find out what the deal was. Turns out she lives with her mother and grandmother. The mother is in school full time and the grandmother …. is a bit checked out. She kept saying to me when I would call over to tell her that this girl was roaming the neighborhood again: “Whe just opens the door! I don’t even know she’s gone! What am I supposed to do?” I knew that last part was not a real question but I answered it anyway: “Give her a consequence: ‘If you leave the house without permission from me, you will lose a privilege.’”
I mean, DUH.
It has settled down now and our girls actually play pretty well together. Her mother saw the girls playing in the front yard the other day and came over to say “Wow! She’s so well behaved over here! You wanna keep her?” Har har har. Very funny WHEN YOUR KID CAN HEAR YOU.
OY.
Neighborhood feral children: More common than I thought!
We have one. Ug. And I truly dislike the child and waffle between the “let us be the light in his world” to “OMG throw him out and don’t let him come BACK.”
It’s hard. I do know the parents somewhat and frankly, they just don’t parent like I do and reasoning with them has always backfired. So I don’t bother. I try to be kind to the kid who is just a child and I send him home when needed. (Not that he always listens when I tell him to go home, because he doesn’t.)
.-= Misty´s last blog ..Ready. Set. Go. =-.
We have a sort of similar situation, except the girl is 10. So she’s probably old enough to walk around by herself a little. She told me her mom works nights as a nurse, and sleeps in the daytime. I’ve never met her mom, but the girl has spent hours at our house over the past 2 summers. I give her water and popsicles, but nothing more. I do ask her to go home when I need her to. One issue we do have is the pool. We have a swimming pool, and she is forever asking to swim. Begging, saying she’s a good swimmer, that the other neighbors let her, her mom won’t care, etc. I refuse to let her unless her mom is present. I told her she’s welcome to swim as long as she has her mom over too. I just can’t be responsible for that kind of thing. It feels strange to me that her mom doesn’t mind her coming into a virtual stranger’s home for hours. Even at 10 years old. Good luck figuring it out!
.-= Lora´s last blog ..People, There Is A Skunk In My Yard =-.
OH.MY.GOD!! We are going through this right now too!!! The two kids who moved in next door and the same age as my older 2. 4 and 6. They both just come over and walk into our house without knocking. We had to keep kicking them out and telling them they needed to knock before they come in. It took almost 2 months before they finally understood.
They come over and we have caught them when they think we dont see them hitting or kicking or punching my kids. Then when we call them out on it they lie.
All of us on the street see them blocks and blocks down where they should not be at such a young age. SO far from the house. And near major streets. But when we say something to the parents they say they dont care. But we have seen them run out in the street without looking and almost get hit.
They break all of our kids toys. And the parents know and have never offered to replace anything or even just offer an apology. They also never disapline thier kids for anything.
The 4 year old has been caught climbing into other neighbors backyards and to swim in thier pool. Even though he cant swim. When we are in our backyard they will walk into our house and take snacks, popcilces, and juice boxes. We tell the parents but they dont care.
the four year old constantly walks into our garage and eats stucco powder, sucks on the tube that goes into the gas tank on our quads, throws all my husbands tools around.
We invited them a few times to the drive in or the park. And it always ends up somehow with me taking all the kids and them going out for a date.
They always have to play at our house. When ever they go to the neighbors house we can hear the parents telling them to come back to our house.
The 4 year old came and pulled out all our flowers we had just planted in our front yard. My husband had enough (this has been going on for 6 months) and went and told his parents that the kids are not allowed to come over and play anymore. at all. ever.
And now my kids cry everyday how mean we are that we wont let them play together anymore.
I have no advice for you – it’s a yucky situation. I do however feel tremendously sorry for Jared
Dude, this is SO going on w/ me right now but I cant blog it because everyone around here knows my blog.
We have a neighbor that moved in. The mom has 2 kids and the guy who lives with her has 2 kids.
The older boys are 9 and 10 and are always coming over here to “play” with my 5 year old girl and I tell them they cant come in. I dont see what a 5 year old girl and a 9 year old boy has in common..nothing. They want to use her toys, her swingset, and send her on errands to ask me for food.
The problem is that they have a 7 year old girl and a 4 year old boy there. My daughter plays with the 7 year old girl and it pisses off the parents i wont let ALL thier kids here. So they often tell the 7 year old she cant come over becuase I wont let the 9 year old over.
These kids run the neighborhood. They ride mini vesbas up and down our streets, no helmets, at 20 miles an hour- even the 4 year old. They were in my driveway in the lightening and thunder yesterday on their bikes.
As we write this they are in my living room (the 7 and 4 year old…eating my food). I dont want to be a jerk. I love my daughter and want her to have age appropriate friends, but the parents are NEVER EVER EVER EVER out there. EVER. They count on US to babysit thier kids.
Yesterday i walked charlotte down to see if the little girl wanted to come over as the parents pulled up in the driveway with food. They had left the 4 and 7 year old home alone why they both went out and got dinner.
It just pisses me off.
Dont get me started on how they treat their animals. As well as they treat their kids.
trisha
Oh PS, the 4 year old is directly responsible for an ER visit of my daughter this year when he pushed her off a truck the day after christmas and busted her chin on the sidewalk…OPEN. Literally. Three stitches and a permanent scar.
.-= trisha haas´s last blog ..Disney Swimsuits, 40% off and Check out Charlottes! =-.
The thing that really, really stinks, is there’s really nothing that you can say that will change what needs changing–his parents attitudes. There are things you can say that makes sure Jarod never comes to your home again, but there’s nothing that will make his parents step up and, well, parent.
Sorry.
.-= Mom24@4evermom´s last blog ..Project 365 #21 & #22! =-.
I’m not sure what to tell you. I see this here too. We have 2 and 3 year olds running around unsupervised. Twice now I’ve had yo walk 2 different little girls home who were all of 2 or 3 home who were playing on our slide (that had been put away) or in our sandbox (that has a lid). We live on a military post, and I’ve just decided from now on I’m calling the MPs and the soldiers can explain to their COs about the reports. These aren’t young enlisted kids trying to raise kids either. It’s older couples who waited to have kids, and now the kids seem nothing more than an inconvenience to them. Gah, it irritates me.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Bing Teacher Appreciation =-.
I was raised much like you were. And my kids are being raised the same way. Let’s face it, that kid could inadvertently end up in a sex offenders home and his parents would never be the wiser! I would try to initiate dialogging with them, but if that doesn’t work, call CPS.
.-= Virginia from Lady V dZine´s last blog ..Fantastic Father’s Day Finds- HomeRight =-.
I would go introduce yourself and feel the parents out. I am hearing more and more of this. We are the neighborhood house where all the kids come. I am fine with that. I have met all the parents. Maybe our neighborhood is just different. I would also call cps just for the simple fact if hes not with you and the neighbor where is he. The saftey alone scares me. good luck
we had a somewhat similar situation a few years ago, but it was actually before we had kids which makes it a little weirder even.
i used to nanny (in college) for the kids across the street from us, so they knew us very well (and we’re good friends with their parents) – they would stop in and say hi sometimes or hang out when their parents wanted to get out for a while. (they were 6 & 10) occasionally they would bring their friend from across the street (who was 8) … i thought that in and of itself was a little weird, but figured it was okay since i was good friends with the other girls parents.
well…. after they moved, the other little girl kept coming over! like allll the time! we even let her sleep over a couple times when her parents didn’t come home in the evening (they would leave her with the teenage sister who would go out). i tried to introduce myself many times, and the mom was always polite, guarded and had an excuse to scram before we could really talk. it was weird.
the family moved a few years ago and i’ve often wondered how she turned out… she’d be in high school now.
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..This is what Looooooove Looks Like. In Case You Were Curious. =-.
that should say ‘who was 8′ – not the weird sunglasses face LOL
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..This is what Looooooove Looks Like. In Case You Were Curious. =-.
Where are his parents? Probably enjoying cocktails somewhere with Max and Ruby’s parents while you do all the work.
I don’t appreciate kids inviting themselves over….and I can admit that we often hide in our backyard when our obnoxious neighbors are in sight.
My oldest son is 5 years old and I would NEVER let him be outside unsupervised like that. 5 year olds act like shits sometimes though, so that part is kind of just par for the course – although his parents should be around to correct him which is obv the whole point of your post and that is the part that I have no idea on…
.-= Devan´s last blog ..In a MOOD =-.
You should probably introduce yourself. Refrain from saying that their kid is a rude little s*** and you’re not the free daycare service.
As for the whole issue in general..speaking from similar experiences we’ve had with various kids in our 7 years in this neighborhood, I think it would be best if you cut ties with the kid. I know how hard that would be since I – for the same reasons you mentioned – had the same problem with not letting my son play with certain kids. I finally got to where I’d had enough of kids repeatedly being disrespectful and rude; kids that were obviously just using my son for his toys, video games, pool, etc; kids whose rude/obnoxious/bad behaviors, words, and choices were rubbing off on MY son. Not that my son is perfect but he got to where he would do and say things that he KNEW were not allowable behaviors in our home.
To this day he doesn’t regret losing those friendships. It was rough at first but later on he actually said, “You know, I don’t miss playing with So-and-so”.
Now if the kid straightens up and behaves well at your house and minds their manners, that’s a different story. And woo hoo! But if it’s SSDD, I suggest Jared not be allowed over.
Oh boy it was hard for me to read this because my son’s name is Jared and he’s 5! But I promise, he’s not this boy!
I think it’s easy for me to say this because it’s not happening to me, but I think that you should go talk to his parents and tell them you would be ok with setting up a play date (if you are ok with that) at a specific date and time, but that you don’t want Jared wandering over to your house uninvited. In this situation they are in the wrong as they are clearly pawning their son off onto the neighbors to be looked after. Unless they want to pay you for child care, this is not acceptable!
Or you could tell them since their child has spent the last 6 hours over at your house, you’ll be dropping off your child tomorrow for a 6 hour play date! Something tells me that wouldn’t go over to well.
They are in the wrong here. You have the right to say I don’t want your child at my house all the time! That’s not rude. What they are doing IS rude!
Good luck!
.-= Natalia´s last blog ..Hello world! =-.
That is completely weird. We have some kids that run around the neighborhood too. Maybe he has the same parents as Max and Ruby?
I watch my kid like a hawk. I mean he has free play but he doesn’t roam the neighborhood at 5!!! FIVE!!
That is crazy!
.-= Julie @ Angry Julie Monday´s last blog ..We broke up =-.
Ah, friend.
UGH.
And I have been there(ish)
http://www.blogher.com/when-you-tell-your-kids-they-cannot-be-friends-another-child
(Don’t you hate when people leave you links to crap they’ve written? But still…would hate to see this morph into my situation…)
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..No longer skirting the issue. =-.
Unless there is behavior like Tiffani listed above where there is obvious higher-than-average danger to the kid, I wouldn’t run off and call CPS. Like someone else said, that can have serious ramifications for a family and not something to do lightly.
I think you’re gonna have to go introduce yourself to the parents. Then you’ll have a better feel of what’s really going on.
As far as rules, I know you are good at enforcing consequences, so keep with that. Send him home when he breaks your house rules. He’ll either start following the rules or stop going to the Mean Lady’s house.
I think I would send him home after an hour or so of playing. And I wouldn’t be afraid to tell him it isn’t a good time to play if he comes over when I just don’t feel like watching him.
.-= Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last blog ..The Gulf: Hope for the Future =-.
Sadly, when my kids were young we had just such a boy in our neighborhood. His mother never left the house, the dad was verbally abusive to the boy on the rare occasions we even saw him. This boy would wake us knocking on our door on weekend mornings and was constantly coming over. His parents never checked on him or even seemed to notice I fed him more than they did. I admit, I thought he was a huge (but very young) behavior problem and didn’t really want him around in those early years. Seeing how his dad treated him, however, stopped me from banning him from our house. That boy … who was YOUNGER than 5 when we met is home for summer rt now after completing his first year in college. He basically grew up at our house. And yes, I fed him, I told him quite firmly what my rules were for when he was at our house … and the list goes on and on. When he came home this summer he came over to our house, embraced me and thanked me for providing the only home and the only real parenting he ever had. I cried. And yes, he chose a college far away from his parents. He tells me I was more of a mother to him than his real mom. Is he perfect? No. Will he probably have issues as an adult? I think so. Do I regret all the years he “lived” at our house – no, I don’t. I’m glad I was there for him because I can’t imagine what would have happened in his life if I hadn’t been. (And yes, some of the moms in our neighborhood did shun him and wouldn’t allow him to be at their houses.) Have his parents ever thanked me? No. Did they ever reciprocate and have my kids over? No. Did they ever even acknowledge how many meals I fed their child? No. Ironically his mother considers herself extremely religious and Godly. Go figure.
.-= Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..Lunch With Neil =-.
This is the other side to it too. Contrary to my comment below, we do have a certain boy in our neighborhood who doesn’t have a good home life and I feel very sorry for him. He and my son get alone well and he is always respectful at our house. I know I can’t change his life but I try to be that positive influence whenever I can, inviting him to dinner, taking him places with us (free concert, chuck e cheese, etc.).
Tough, tough situation!
Twenty Four at Heart, hats of to you! Glad you made an impact in this boys life.
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Camping at Ohiopyle and Rafting the Lower Yough =-.
Um, Child Protective Services?
That kid is being neglected. Period. End of story no questions asked. He leaves the home and no one knows where he is.
CALL THE CPS today. Anonymously.
What if Jared walks to another neighbor. A child molester neighbor. What THEN???
That boy’s parents need a WAKE up call. TODAY
.-= Marcy from The Glamorous Life Association´s last blog ..I teach people stuff. Stop laughing. I do. =-.
I had a situation like this once, and I struggled between wanting to be a kind, good adult in that child’s life and wanting to have some really clear boundaries. She ended up moving before I was forced to do anything drastic.
I do know of neighborhoods that have rules between the kids/parents like “we are up for the day and ready to play if our garage door is open. If it’s closed, our kids can’t play”… Perhaps a really clear “rule” like that would help?
.-= Marie Green´s last blog ..Sports =-.
I don’t envy you. Sorry, lady. I wish I had a really brilliant answer…
Because I’m a recovering people pleaser, I would probably talk to the parents in a very non-confrontational, mousy and overly careful half-ass way, such as
um, I kind of sort of wondered if maybe you might not…well, Jared is sometimes at our house for quite a while and I just hope you’re comfortable…I mean, cause sometimes he’s kind of there for a long time and I don’t know for sure that you know where he is…so I…
(moment of silence, hoping that they start talking all apologetically)
See? I’m REALLY good at this stuff. Or something.
.-= Heather of the EO´s last blog ..This dentist thing ain’t half bad =-.
I would just ask the parents if they knew he was making his way all the way down to your house. If they say yes, you know you aren’t dealing with the sharpest tools, so just tell them that you feel like having him there requires extra attention, since *he’s only 5* and that maybe they like to accompany him next time.
My oldest is 5 and I won’t even leave her on the porch without one of us out there. 5 is too young to be on your own.
I also agree with the previous commentor who suggested some sort of sign letting kids know to come over. Even if it’s just for this family. That way, you let them know that if the garage isn’t open, no one should come over – whatever. It might make it easier for you to let them know in the future when he’s out unsupervised.
.-= LZ´s last blog ..Hearing trouble (of the parenting kind) =-.
I totally hear you. At our house, visits that aren’t previously arranged between me and the other kid’s parents have a time limit. After about an hour, I will switch activities in such a way that the other kid cannot be included.
So, we’ll suddenly need to make a Walmart run. Or the baby needs a nap which means quiet time. My kids might complain, but the bottom line is that I just don’t want to get stuck watching everyone else’s kids, especially since I am one of few SAHM’s on our street. My kids can play just as effectively in one hour snippets– they don’t need a playdate that just won’t end.
As for talking to the parents, while I agree that is ideal, I don’t hold out much hope for it. It doesn’t seem like these parents give a rip what their child is doing, they aren’t likely to give a rip what you think about them.
Wow, this is really tough. My child is under 2, so I haven’t dealt with any of this as of now but my gut is with you: HE’S FIVE. WHY IS HE ROAMING FREE?
(I also admit that I have one major fear when it comes to my kid and that’s that someone will take him, so I can’t imagine letting him out of my sight (or the sight of a responsible adult I know) when he’s 5 or 10 or 15, I’m not kidding. I know I need to work on that.)
I’d knock on their door to at least try to meet them, first, and then I’d do exactly what you said, carefully go over the house rules with Jared and let him know if he ever breaks one, he’ll have to go home.
But, rock and a hard place right there. Really, that’s tough tough tough.
I also think you should go down and introduce yourself and leave it at that. I think this kid needs you in his life. We have a family with 3 kids (10,7 & 4, I think?) that live across the street and I am constantly seeing the 4 yr old cross the street and walk down the street my herself! I NEVER see the parents outside and the kids are ALWAYS outside. I think the mother just tells them to stay outside all day, so they wander. I have not let them in my house, yet, but I do let them play in my back yard and my 3 boys are not allowed to go to their house and play.
Sadly, you are not alone and I wish you luck with this situation.
I have no idea how I would handle this, but maybe some of the above advice about being as nice as you can to him and modeling what he doesn’t see at home. It would be hard for me too…wanting his parents to be parents.
.-= Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings´s last blog ..Barbie distracts Zurg with new hairdo =-.
Don’t you love that big kids come with big problems? My kids are 10,9, and 7 and the things I deal with now always throw me for a loop.
The nieghborhood I grew up was full of kids. We lived in a circle with minimal traffic and all played together (mostly outside). One of my best friends to this day was my neighbor growing up. We moved to that neighborhood when I was in 3rd grade and you better believe my mom always knew where we were, a neighbors, the park, etc. In 5th and 6th grade I used to try to go further than allowed (and cross a semi-busy street) and you better believe I was caught and punished.
Our street now has 6 houses and dead ends at the elementary school property. There is no traffic and about 10 neighborhood kids who play together. When we moved here last year the boys my oldest age were allowed to roam much freer than my son was (cross very busy streets, go to the gas station or McDonald’s alone), my son seemed slightly annoyed but never gave me too hard of a time. I still don’t let my 7 1/2 year old play outside alone (her older brother and sister have to be out too) and they have to tell me specifically where they will be within the limits of our street (the side street gets more traffic).
I don’t understand why some of the other parents let their children roam as free as they do but hubby pointed out to me that they have the right to raise their children as they see fit even if it is contrary to what you think is apprioriate for the age.
How would I handle the situation? I would personally go knock on the door of the other parent, introduce myself and say something like, “since our boys have been spending a lot of time playing together I wanted to meet you. I am not comfortable having Carson at someone’s house I don’t know.” It probably won’t make a big difference if they let their 5 year old run wild but at least they know you are paying attention. As far as the kid over staying his welcome and the other parents not returning the favor. I would intervene and after a reasonable period of time say 30 minutes-1 hour say to the child, “it is time for you to go home now or even if Carson and the other neighbor are playing when he knocks on the door just say he can’t come out.”
I hate to label some children trouble makers since I know my own kids can get into plenty of trouble themselves but I am not particularly fond of one of the older neighbor boys but I don’t have a problem calling him out on his bad behavior or getting him parents if necessary (luckily I’ve only had to do that once and it involved spray painting). Thankfully my son has come to not like the kid as much either and they don’t play together often.
Good luck!
We have neighbors with a 3 year old that wanders our townhouse complex all the time with the other kids and his parents are nowhere to be found. I have a 3 year old and sometimes wonder if this is normal and if I should allow my 3 year old to play outside, but then I snap out of it a realize he is 3 YREARS OLD!
I would probably talk to the boys parents. Good luck!
What kind of neighborhood do you live in? I ask because I live in one where all of the kids, from about 4 up, play unsupervised together most of the time. The parents are usually inside, or sometimes outside supervising, but they’re always available to the kids should anything happen. It’s a very old-fashioned neighborhood, and the parents all know each other. I have a two-year old, but I have no problem letting her walk away from me if she’s always in sight, because I know that everyone is watching out for her.
Are most neighborhoods more isolated than this? I get the impression that it’s unusual for neighborhood kids to just play together without parents being outside at all times. I’m not sure what I think about this- I’m not that old, but when I grew up, we played unsupervised all the time, and we weren’t being neglected or abused… perhaps different neighborhoods have different standards for what’s normal.
Hi there,
What awesome comments, from moms much more experienced than I am.
This post really concerns me, because my daughter is very little, and I know for sure this type of situation will emerge at one time or another.
I want to comment on the question of calling CPS. I am a social worker, but I don’t work with kids on a regular basis. When I have, and I’ve decided to call, I have never ever regretted it. You can call just to discuss the situation and see what advice they have. CPS is also a very positive thing for parents who are drowning. They are a gateway to free daycare and free counseling, and the purpose is always always to keep the family unit strong if it’s at all possible.
So if there is a nagging feeling in your gut, go ahead and CALL. They won’t make you feel stupid, I guarantee.
I also agree with the idea that there is likely something going on in that home. Getting to know the adults is a good idea, especially if your kid is around their kid. Maybe I am paranoid, but I always worry about my kid picking up behaviors or attitudes from other kids.
Very best of luck to you!
I’m not sure if anyone has already said this…but what about cracking Jared up on as much candy and sugary drinks as possible and sending him home on one big sugar buzz? Maybe they won’t send him back?
Or teach him the cabbage patch? Remember that dance?
I know there are parents in my neighborhood who are concerned for my parenting skills as my four year old quotes the Beastie Boys. But to be honest, there’s nothing funnier than a kid yelling “Cheaper than a hotdog, wit no mustard!”
Snicker.
(Miss you, Girlie.)
.-= Amo´s last blog ..You Probably WOULD Understand…I hope. =-.
Oh my. Such a sticky situation. I am not sure what more I can offer in terms of advice that you have not already received.
I do think that Jared just wandering the neighborhood could have something to do with the type of neighborhood you live in. Madaline is only 2.5 and she plays outside, in our unfenced back yard, by herself. Granted, the back yard/deck is right off the kitchen – and I can see her thru the kitchen window and back door. And, by doing so, it allows me to gets things done, without her underfoot. She knows her boundaries and she respects them. Only once did she test those boundaries and went too far past the end of the deck towards the front of the house. She was quickly brought in the house and made to play inside the rest of the afternoon. She hasn’t done it again. But, we live in the country. We live in the same neighborhood that I grew up in and most of the same families still live there. There is a sense of safety and security that we have based on where we live, that makes us comfortable with allowing our daughter to play outside by herself. This makes me wonder if Jared’s parents have the same sense of security that we do. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I are not naive about things but we don’t live in fear that someone is going to snatch her out of the yard either.
I think your best bet is to have a conversation with the parents. Maybe invite the mom out for coffee with your other neighbor. I also tend to think that perhaps there are things going on with the family behind closed doors that has this little boy wandering the streets unsupervised. Or, maybe instead of thinking the worse, it could just be a case of the parents are shy. No matter what, I think they need to be made aware of what is going on. That way, you can have peace of mind knowing that you spoke up.
Wow. I wanted to write about my own experience with a neighborhood feral child, but am thinking I shouldn’t be so surprised that EVERYBODY ALREADY DID. I guess this goes on everywhere!