I was just thinking recently how parenting is getting so much BETTER as they get older are farther away from babyhood. In the past few weeks, I’ve actually been able to reason with Ella.
“Ella if you behave, I’ll give you a cookie.”
“Okay! I be good, Mama.”
And guess what? She WAS good.
I walked around feeling like I had finally gotten this parenting thing down pat. “I’m pretty good at this parenting thing!” I thought to myself and out loud to Tate.
“You know, Tate, I feel like our kids have gotten so easy. They REALLY listen to me! It’s been like, a whole week and neither child has been in time out!”
He looked at me like I was an alien with a palm tree growing out of my chin. “What about that time you called me last week when they were wreaking havoc? Or this morning when you told me that you had to put them in their rooms for their own safety?”
So maybe it had only been about six hours, but SIX WHOLE HOURS of my children behaving feels like a week.
It seems like we get on a roll where the kids are behaving, or at least their misbehavior isn’t that damaging to my psyche that I’m left scarred for months afterwards. Right now, though, we’re on the Deluxe Triple Salchow of OUT OF CONTROL BEHAVIOR roll. Damaged psyche ahead!
It’s awesome, as I’m sure you can imagine.
The mall and it’s germ-infested play area is where the downward spiral first began. Ella, being Ella and very much three-years-old, threw the tantrum to end all tantrums. It was the type of tantrum that had all the perfect parents judging me with their evil looks and perfectly behaved children. She was screaming and thrashing and I was sweating and silently screaming the f-word in my head.
I wanted to ask the perfect moms, “How do you propose I get her to stop screaming? Seriously!! I’m politely asking her, I’m threatening to take away everything that was or ever will be meaningful to her, I’m kicking myself for failing to pack duct tape. What can I doooooooo?!?”
Carson, who is four and who I was certain had passed the fall on the floor tantrum stage, threw his own mega tantrum within a few hours of Ella’s. Luckily it was in the privacy of our home, not in front of other’s prying eyes. BUT STILL, it was a tantrum that no amount of reasoning, ignoring, redirecting, or any other textbook behavior management technique worked to just make him stop.
It’s been like this for about two weeks now, with only a few hours respite and sunshine in between their outbursts. I’m starting to believe there is something really wrong with my children. Surely it’s not just my kids that act this way??? Please?
They are thisclose to getting shipped off to a far away land that’s FAR AWAY.
And I vow to never verbalize or even think any thoughts where I extol the virtues of my parenting skills ever again.
oh honey. you know it never gets *easier* … it just gets *different.*
but fortunately, the REAL parents among us (not the plastic, sanctimonious not-living-in-the-real-world-because-MY-child-would-never-behave-like-that kind)understand.
because we’ve all been there.
My child is now 6. I love the ages 5 and 6, thus far. She is reasonable, she will leave places without tantrums, and we have interesting talks. She is not perfect, by any stretch, and still is learning to get along with certain peers, but overall we are good. However, when she was 3 and 4 she was an absolute nightmare with a PhD in tantrum throwing. She was the most stubborn child alive. I am a clinical therapist by trade, and I tried everything I knew. Truth? I just had to wait and let her grow out of it. It sucked. I am sorry you are there, and while you won’t believe me now, it will get better. Promise.
jonathan is on hour two of straight screaming. he fell asleep for about twenty minutes in the middle of it and then WOKE UP SCREAMING. it’s horrible. ice pick to the brain HORRIBLE.
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..Im Still Here! Just Recovering From a Crazy Several Weeks Stand By- Please!!! =-.
Duuuude, what the hell were you thinking? You said OUT LOUD that your kids had gotten easy and manageable? You totally asked for it. Whether it’s true or not, you keep that shit to yourself.
.-= Shelly´s last blog ..Groundhogs Day =-.
LOL that is what I was thinking! haha sorry!!!
I wish it got easier. While some of the hands-on work gets easier, I think the psychological work gets harder.
Mine still tantrum, too, but Cordy has reached a point where she argues with me now. It’s not just freaking out over something, it’s a full out battle of will with reasoning and counter arguments and and and…it’s exhausting.
Way harder.
.-= Christina´s last blog ..Single Parents- I Salute You =-.
My son just turned 4 on Saturday and I understand. He throws crazy fits and he never used to! My daughter is almost 7 and she was never quite as bad about tantrums but she really started to be “easy” once she hit 5. Hang in there! It will get better!!
.-= Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos´s last blog ..Just Because =-.
I am the type of mom who marches tantruming kids out of places. I will buckle us all up to go home and make everyone eat canned soup for dinner rather than deal with that stuff in public. But, public tantrums happen anyway. And now that my boys are older, if they really start to lose it at home, I tell them they cry and scream all they want in their room and when they are done crying, they can come out.
Personally I’ve found there is an ebb and flow to my kids’ behavior. They go through a good patch so I become more lenient then they walk all over me and act insane so I spend a few days going back to 1 2 3 Magic and they get better. But sometimes kids are just crazy, particularly kids at this age!
.-= LauraC´s last blog ..Pour some sugar on me =-.
My daughter is 2.5 and she had two of the most embarrassing, make me want to scream and pull out my hair kind of meltdowns this past weekend. Luckily I was only around my dear friend who also has a 2 yr old and totally gets it. I hate those “perfect” moms who sit and stare and judge like their kids have NEVER had a meltdown, sheesh.
When I first started doing time outs with my daughter, who was 18 months old at the time, she was so great with them. One day I was at playgroup telling another Mom how much they were working for us and how well behaved she was being, when I turned around and saw her dragging a little boy on the ground by his hair. True story. I now never brag about her behaviour…lesson learned
Oh my….. it feels like just yesterday that I was dealing with tantrums x 2. My twins are now 8 year old 3rd graders, and I have to agree whole heartedly with the first posted comment – It doesn’t get ‘easier’ just ‘different’. I don’t say that to scare you, because in my opinion, the older they get the more rewarding this whole parentling gig is. It remains frustrating as hell, but it is so freaking awesome to participate in the development of a couple of intelligent (most of the time), sensitive (some of the time), entertaining (all of the time) always changing children. Just think, one day while your daughter is rolling her eyes at you for asking how her day was, and your son ignores your request to pick-up his socks for the 200th day in a row – you will look back on their pre-school days and smile.
This was kinda what I blogged about today too. The inadequacy we feel when our kids tantrum. I’m a mom to a child with autism, so I deal with this more, but I think it’s true for all moms. Yes, moms may appear judgmental (and many are), but every mom has doubted her ability.
.-= Cheryl D.´s last blog ..Yucky Diet Coke =-.
You’re totally not alone. I’ll be in NYC for the last 4 days of summer break…THANKFULLY their father will have to deal with the last minute fighting. Because they haven’t done enough of that this summer, right? Wanna trade? They might behave for each other!
.-= Headless Mom´s last blog ..Me on Draft Day Suit =-.
umm…. not sure if this will make you feel better to know you are not alone or worse to know that my oldest are 6 (twins) and they can still chuck a public tantrum that turns heads for miles….
I get through it by hoping all the other Mums are not so much judging my crap parenting as silently thanking the universe that it is not happening to them….
There’s no perfect moms hon, and if they think they are the problem is with THEIR psyche. I was shopping at Ikea the other day and my 3 year old threw a major fit and ran away screaming, “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” As I scooped him into the cart I told him in my calmest, happiest voice that “Sometimes the feeling’s mutual buddy.” Another mom nearby laughed and told me she admired my honesty. Why don’t more moms show that support to each other? We all have to endure that public hell sometimes.
Maybe it’s just the weather and Ella and Carson will chill out with fall?
.-= badness jones´s last blog ..Comeback of the Day =-.
Hilarious! Good thing none of the Perfect moms heard you say that…
.-= Yuliya´s last blog ..A Bad Case of the Mondays =-.
This happens to me too. Sometimes I’ll go a few hours of quietness. Then the husband comes home and she acts up. Wait. Is she acting up? I ask. Or does she act like this all the time and I’ve learned how to totally ignore it? Then he gets home and is like WTF? How do you let her get away with this crap?
Ignorance sometimes REALLY IS Bliss.
.-= The Laundress´s last blog ..SYTYCBlog =-.
My daughter was an absolute crazy child (I told her when she was 3 that one of us was not going to see her 18th birthday)but her DR told me she would change when she started school. and she did. She is 17 and the single most amazing child on the planet-I think she got it out of her system early and let me off the hook for the teenage years. May you hang on and be as blessed. The boy**sigh**is both my love and my pain~him we’ll discuss some other time.
I really think my older kids regress sometimes after witnessing the behavior of the youngest. Do you think it’s possible that after see his sister lose it, he decided to give it a whirl, for old times’ sake?
In any case, at all of the mommy-n-me type classes that I’ve taken over the years (just to get OUT of the house in the winter, not necessarily for their awesome curriculum), they talk about equilibrium and disequilibrium and how kids go through phases of both.
They say that typically kids have 6 months on and then 6 off. I think my own kids do more like 3-4 months at a time…
In any case, hang in there!
.-= Marie Green´s last blog ..Old Clothes =-.
I stumbled onto your blog last night. I love it! Thank you for inspiring me.
A few months ago, my daughter had the most embarrassing tantrum at the park. I had to haul her, her baby and her stroller to the car, while pushing my son in his stroller. Everyone was staring and judging. I was traumatized! So I know exactly what you mean.
Happy Wednesday,
Lisa
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..One of those days =-.
you are soooooooooo not alone. I recently posted about some McDonald’s meltdowns myself…check it out…should make you feel a little better
Surrounded by Penises! HA! What a great blog name!
never to let a chance to one-up someone pass…
I’ll tell you that 2 weeks ago, while riding in a Kia rental van for the 792,013rd hour on our trip to Denver and the beauty and perfect weather that surrounds it, The Mighty Hunter and I had to tell our kids to “PLEASE STOP SINGING ‘JESUS LOVES ME’!!!!!”
It’s not just your kids or just ours. TMH just texted me from the airport and said that a little girl licked her dad’s shirt. When he corrected her, saying it wasn’t clean, she countered with “but the dog does it…”
I only wish I could say that we’ve never said anything like that to our kids. One is prone to chewing on the tv clicker and the other one likes to lick the fridge.
I blame The Mighty Hunter and his crazy DNA.
.-= Auburn Gal Always (Keri)´s last blog ..This is what brings me back to blogging =-.
I had to snicker because I just posted in my “useful tips” my secret revenge for bad behavior. There is poetic justice in the world and sometimes mommys just have to create it… Here is what I posted:
I have to admit sometimes when I have had it up here (holding my hand above my head), I think about changing my ringtone to the ice cream truck music just to mess with my kids!
I wonder if others are really judging or if we just feel like they are? I know that when I see a kid having a tantrum in public, I always feel sorry for the adult but I don’t really know what my face looks like.
I know that whenever I’m embarrassed by the kids behavior, I am totally paranoid that EVERYONE around me is appalled and shocked at my dismal parenting! I know that a lot of moms empathize with other moms during those horrific public tantrums, but I also know that I’ve received my fair share of rolled eyes, sneers, and heavy sighs from the Judgy McJudgersons.
uhm sometimes you just gotta pick them up, thrashing and all and pop them on the butt and then look deep into their eyes and tell them WE ARE LEAVING … don’t discuss anything, don’t try to reason with them, don’t give into the urge to flip out, just do what you said … then when you get home, put them down on whatever it is that you use (bed, time out chair, hallway) and proceed to actually take everything away
kids are quick learners and they learn how to manipulate and when parents don’t follow through … if you are going to threaten something you have to follow through … its your job
You don’t suck,..really. We’ve all been there– done that. I think the folks who are looking at you with “the face” have forgotten what a 2, 3,4 or how ever old they are acts,..or reacts,….
Kids don’t come with instruction manuals,..and we’re all just doing the best we can,…..some days we just do better,..some days,..not so much.
much aloha! <3
I swear it must be something in the air. My darling 4 year old daughter has been acting like a wild animal for the past 2 weeks. No joke. I had to literally drag her kicking and screaming out of the zoo the other day, while my friend commented on how sorry she was for me. Gag.
We ALL have those days, or weeks… and then things get better. I hope your better days come sooner, rather than later!
No, my children are bipolar little monsters too. To the point where we’ve stopped taking them to the supermarket/department stores because it’s just too much wasted energy trying to get them to listen and behave. We do preschool, playgroup and hopefully once the warm weather starts, parks and things, but errands? Not so much.
I keep repeating to myself ‘they’ll be older one day. They will walk beside you and not run into traffic and they won’t tear shelves apart. They will get biggger.’ It helps. A little.
Funny, I was just thinking that as soon as we’re back in preschool and having regular playdates once summer ends, their behavior will improve!
We’re totally screwed, aren’t we?!?!
It’s the heat! I always blame everything on the heat- my own bad moods, the kids’ craziness, the fact that I cook a proper dinner only about half the time… It’ll get saner in the fall. Well, for you maybe. We’ll have a newborn! Bwah ha haha! I’m sure it’ll be MUCH less chaotic then!
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Well Isnt That Special =-.
Heh, I’m sure you might have heard it by now, but ya don’t suck. Mine (1) is only 2.5 so she’s just ramping up I’m sure, but I did leave her tantruming in the aisle of the grocery store the other day (we’d already paid so I was on the way out anyways). And I’m sure it’s going to get much, much worse.
Don’t hate me, but I breathe a sigh of relief every single time someone writes something like this. When my kid is behaving, when he does something without saying “no” first, I celebrate, shout it from the rooftops, call my husband to tell him what an awesome parent I am. When he’s contrary (often) I am sure it must be me, something I’m doing wrong. I’m hoping it’s just three and not my inept parenting.
.-= Mama Bub´s last blog ..Etsy Love- Birth Announcements and more! =-.
I’ve totally been here. Except for the fact that I was totally murmuring the f- word aloud. Then, 5 minutes later, praying that no one actually heard me.
It’s not logical or predictable and reasoning just rarely seems to work. That’s what makes it so effing frustrating.
.-= Cara´s last blog ..Guilt Free =-.
My only thought when I see the inevitable meltdown of a toddler/preschooler is “thank God it’s not me this time”. Three is my least favorite age (so far).
.-= Manic Mommy´s last blog ..The June Cleaver Response =-.
This always happens to me — the moment I speak out loud about how good things are going with the kids, the moment I begin to raise the hand to pat myself on the back, the whole tower crumbles.
It’s just God’s way of keeping me humble, I guess.
I decided that the parents that witness the tantrums of my children (yes, I am an imperfect parent, too) are not judging me. They are merely thinking, “Thank God it is finally happening to someone else.”
.-= Jen´s last blog ..The Leftovers =-.
Girl! EVERY child goes through that at some point. They are spreading their wings and growing a little and it SUCKS for the parent. Just when you think you have it down then BAM they grow out of what they were doing and the rule shift and change on you.
I tried the time out. The corner worked best for my son for some reason. Anther trick I used when nothing else worked was ZERO tolerance. That is when I told him to do something one time and if he didn’t do it he got his hind end smacked. It normally only took one day to get him back under control. Then I would just have to threaten it. Or I’d say do you want the nice mommy or the mean mommy and of course he would want the nice mommy. I saved zero tolerance as a last resort because I really hated to spank him but sometimes a child needs a little pop on the behind. I’m not saying beat them at all. ONLY YOU know if this is something that would work with your children. And obviously you couldn’t do it in public because omg the drama.
I’m not claiming to be a perfect parent… far from it. I’m just trying to help out a fellow mom on what worked with my son. And as well ALL know every child is different. What works for one will not for the other.
Good luck. I hope this passes as quickly as it came on.
I am of little help, mine is five months old and just this week she has reached the developmental milestone of
I WILL throw this organic-PBA-free toy on the ground and scream like a banshee until you let me suck on an envelope full of lead, chemicals and our water bill (now illegible thanks to the drool). It’s not good that I let her “win” already is it? Hang in there!
.-= Yuliya´s last blog ..A Bad Case of the Mondays =-.
Oh, girl. It’s not just you. You wouldn’t believe some of the tantrums I’ve lived through…With a five, three, and two year old, it’s inevitable. I wish I could tell you a great way to stop it or dole out some awesome parenting advice but alas, I cannot. I TOTALLY love Jen’s comment above (and I TOTALLY love her blog by the way) about the perfect parents saying “Thank God it’s not me this time.” AMEN!
I can also completely relate on the whole “It’s been a week since our children have misbehaved” conversation you had with Tate because my hubs and I have had the EXACT same one as well. However, from now on I will envision a palm tree growing out of my chin when he gives me that incredulous look and reminds me of the many trespasses our children have done and my sometimes (or maybe more than sometimes) reaction to those trespasses just within the past few hours…This just simply made me laugh out loud.
Lastly, thank you for your kind words on my blog today. You have been such an inspiration to me and have so completely helped me learn about this blogging world (still have much to learn but you got me going on the right foot!) that it means so much to hear that I might inspire YOU. I guess we have a symbiotic relationship then, huh?
Have a wonderful, tantrum-free weekend, Jen!
.-= Natalie´s last blog ..CR- A Hard Habit to Break… =-.
I just read your blog for the first time. Love it and plan to follow it. My kids are now 12 and 16 and yes, the tantrums just change as they get older. Luckiy for me, I have figured out how to manage them. Lock myself in my room with the xanax!
When my son was a baby and up until he was 4, he screamed almost non-stop. One day, we were at Wegman’s and some lady gave me the glare of all glares. Well, I am not a quiet person so I let her have it. I told her, “Listen, THAT is not helping me. Either you have had young children and you have been in my shoes before or you have never had children, in which case, you have no clue what I am going through. Either way, take your nasty face and get out of mine!” It felt so good! From that point on, I don’t worry what people think of me. Either they should understand or they can’t possibly understand and I pity them because they are so judgmental. Sidenote: I used that same line on the prestine business man who glared at me in Wegman’s when my credit card was denied and my food had to go in grocery jail until I could bail them out later.
You have a couple of hours between tantrums??! Dag, girl. My kids act like they’re in a relay race; one throws a tantrum for an hour and as she slows down, hands off the baton to the boy and then he screams for an hour. And these children are 6 AND 5 YEARS OLD. I agree with Amy; ice pick to the brain horrible.
.-= dusty earth mother´s last blog ..If Pets Had Pens =-.
yeah, you gotta love those bitches huh? I hate to tell you but my kid had some of her worst tantrums when she was FIVE. yep. Sorry.
.-= jessica´s last blog ..“I’m Going In People”! =-.
My two year old does this too, it’s terrible. I actually just wrote a post about it too. And the tantrums are *always* in public. All anyone ever tells me in the way of advice is, “Oh, it’s normal for his age.” Gee, thanks.