Today is one of those day, you know? Nothing is wrong, but everything isn’t right. I feel off-kilter and nervous-tummied, bored and overwhelmed.
One of my freelance jobs ended, abruptly. Well, that is not entirely true. I’ve known it would end, I just thought it would have ended differently. It’s embarrassing for me to say, but I took the job very seriously and I don’t think I was viewed as seriously as I wanted? Should have been? I don’t know. It’s a relief it’s over, it’s also just over.
It’s been weird the past few days to not have any deadlines, self-imposed deadlines, but deadlines still the same. I haven’t had to look at lists of ideas or plan posts to write. So much time on my hands, the idleness is a blessing and a curse. What do I do now? I can hear Ella calling from downstairs to “COME PLAY BUNNIES AND DINOSAURS,” and YAY! I have time to play, but I’d rather mark things off my list with perfectly straight lines to show they’ve been completed. I’m better at playing with baby dolls with silly made up names like Selauna and Blooky anyway, I don’t want to play bunnies and dinosaurs.
These desperate times have called for play-doh, and voila! bunnies and dinosaurs are quickly forgotten. We sit side by side, Ella mixing play-doh colors while I try not hyperventilate at this crime against humanity and while I click aimlessly around the Internet looking for something to do.
There’s also this new Kindergarten business. I miss my little boy while he’s at school. I don’t know how to do Mom of a Grade Schooler. I know how to do Mom of a Preschooler, with playdates and story times and size 4T and even bunnies and damn dinosaurs, but I don’t know how to do drop-off and pick up and a school full of BIG KIDS. This change is hard and even though I know he’s ready and he seems to really like going to school, I am not ready for the homework and social heartaches and getting calls from the school nurse.
I’m feeling my way through all this new normal, too much at once. Expected, but not. And I’m blindly bumping into things along the way.
I feel the same way every time something changes with our normal: dropping to one nap, waking up at 6 instead of 7, etc. It always takes awhile until you feel like yourself again. You’ll find your footing as a grade school mama in no time. And I can totally relate to the play-doh issue. Colors are not for mixing! And when I think that I always wish I wasn’t so uptight…
The grade school stuff is hard to get used to, it’s true. But my oldest is about to start first grade and her independence and helpfulness are kind of awesome right now. Befriend the class mom and you’ll be an expert on grade school in no time.
man, sorry.
i hate that feeling, too.
but i think you’ll find “it”.
give yourself some time for the new to sink in.
then think of all the fun you can have with ella!
(and hopefully, somehow, more alone time for you).
I’ve been there (with the freelance gig) and while it’s right, it’s still ugh-ish, if that makes any sense at all.
I hate that feeling. Wish you lived close, we could hang together one day and work it out.
Tomorrow will be better!
Steph
I hate that feeling, too.
But i think we can get through!
Be strong, everything will change into smoothly!
I too have had days when nothing is seriously wrong but nothing seems right either. I can’t stand them! I can never really put my finger on anything in particular that is bothering me. I am so sorry about your job ending and I hope you make it through this transition feeling better soon and without decapitating the damn bunnies and dinosaurs!
My son started the “big kid” school this week too. It’s just so strange. A whole new set of worries and expectations. And I just keep thinking “but he’s my BAAABY..”
Thanks… I’m crying. This wa beautifully written. It’s hard to do day to day when your heat is broken isn’t it.
If and when he starts sports you will be so busy you will not know what hit you! haha
We went from year around sports to crickets… well except my dad moved in a year ago. Losing a son to college and gaining a dad wasn’t exactly what we had planned. haha
haha I just thought this would be a great time for the Conundrum (sp?) wine and relaxation basket to be given to you.
If you can’t get the entire basket just the wine might work! haha
((((((hugs))))))