Today is one of those day, you know? Nothing is wrong, but everything isn’t right. I feel off-kilter and nervous-tummied, bored and overwhelmed.
One of my freelance jobs ended, abruptly. Well, that is not entirely true. I’ve known it would end, I just thought it would have ended differently. It’s embarrassing for me to say, but I took the job very seriously and I don’t think I was viewed as seriously as I wanted? Should have been? I don’t know. It’s a relief it’s over, it’s also just over.
It’s been weird the past few days to not have any deadlines, self-imposed deadlines, but deadlines still the same. I haven’t had to look at lists of ideas or plan posts to write. So much time on my hands, the idleness is a blessing and a curse. What do I do now? I can hear Ella calling from downstairs to “COME PLAY BUNNIES AND DINOSAURS,” and YAY! I have time to play, but I’d rather mark things off my list with perfectly straight lines to show they’ve been completed. I’m better at playing with baby dolls with silly made up names like Selauna and Blooky anyway, I don’t want to play bunnies and dinosaurs.
These desperate times have called for play-doh, and voila! bunnies and dinosaurs are quickly forgotten. We sit side by side, Ella mixing play-doh colors while I try not hyperventilate at this crime against humanity and while I click aimlessly around the Internet looking for something to do.
There’s also this new Kindergarten business. I miss my little boy while he’s at school. I don’t know how to do Mom of a Grade Schooler. I know how to do Mom of a Preschooler, with playdates and story times and size 4T and even bunnies and damn dinosaurs, but I don’t know how to do drop-off and pick up and a school full of BIG KIDS. This change is hard and even though I know he’s ready and he seems to really like going to school, I am not ready for the homework and social heartaches and getting calls from the school nurse.
I’m feeling my way through all this new normal, too much at once. Expected, but not. And I’m blindly bumping into things along the way.