The gray, gloomy cloud lifted from atop my shoulders this morning, taking with it the bricks weighting down my shoulders and the cross words that have spewed from my mouth for two weeks.
Last week while standing in line at the Genius Bar at the Apple Store, I felt the beginnings of a panic attack. I had just come from my Bible study, a study that I’m reluctantly co-leading, so my Bible was in my purse. I was so afraid that I’d melt down right there in front of all these people holding their iPhones and iPads, in front of blue shirted, head set wearing Genius Bar employees, and in front of my daughter. As my chest tightened and I felt like screaming for everyone around me to just shut up for two seconds, I reached my hand inside my purse and placed my hand on my small silver Bible and I prayed for God to help me to get control of myself. I prayed the same prayer over and over, breathing deeply in and out until I felt like I could finally look around at the people around me without my face crumpling into an ugly cry.
My children’s behavior has been shockingly atrocious these past few weeks. I told a friend after a particularly grueling meltdown in the front of Steak and Shake that I think my daughter finally broke me. I continue to feed her daily and tell her that I love her and do all the things I’m supposed to do as her loving mother, but each kind thing I did for her it was with suspicious eyes, waiting for the next shoe to fall. Wary, weary, and desperately wanting a reprieve from their bad behavior, I’ve been running further and further distances just to be alone.
I’ve definitely taken on too many responsibilities at once, too many things that I don’t have to do, but I know that I need to do. Freelance writing jobs, Family Friendly Knoxville, volunteering, and Bible study. It’s funny, though, the Bible study I’m leading, the one that I’m reluctantly co-leading, is based on the book, “One Thousand Gifts,” by Ann Voskamp and it’s an entire book based on thanking God for every thing in our lives, a practice in seeing all the beauty that surrounds us.
In purposely practicing this gratitude, I think I’m beginning to heal from the wounds slashed into my soul these past two weeks. The self inflicted, the child inflicted, the husband inflicted wounds are each healing nicely as I focus more energy on the good instead of sinking further into the cesspool of muck that I’ve created in my own little world.
It feels good to breathe again.
(My friend Heather has started this free writing exercise and I decided to see what would happen if I just sat down and gave myself 15 minutes of uninterupted time to just write. This is what came out. Unedited, except for the red squiggly lined typos.)
Sending thoughts your way. I went through two weeks with my two-year-old that I thought were going to break me. Hang in there. Remember the key: you can’t take care of anyone until you take care of yourself. Glad that the bricks are gone and hoping that they stay away!
Hugs to you!
Shab´s last [type] ..I heart faces photo challenge: Beautiful Eyes
We all feel as though we’re teetering dangerously close to the edge more often than we’d like to admit, and also feel so alone when experiencing it. It’s such a refreshing relief to read a post like yours. Thank you so much for sharing this!
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.”
So maybe Hemingway isn’t the best person to use as an example but I guess it helps me understand that I’m not alone and that whatever it is? We will get through it.
I have four children and EVERY ONE of them has made me feel like I just can’t do it any more. Those feelings pass and make me grateful for the peaceful times.
Good thing you had your bible with you. I should probably start carrying mine.
I know what you mean about just wanting everyone/thing to be quiet just for a bit.
xoxo
Elaine´s last [type] ..Rocking
niiiice!
here’s to breathing.
each and every day.
great writing.
oh, and how glad was i to see your blurb in Redbook this month!! it was like, Hey! i know her.
except, too bad, i don’t really.
but kudos to you.
i laughed. (again!)
mpotter´s last [type] ..handling some chaos
Well, I feel like I know you, too.
And I had completely forgotten that this was coming out in the October issue!!! I had to run right out and buy it! Thank you!!
Sometimes I think that as women we think we are supposed to feel that because we have a spouse, children, a house and food in the cupboard that we have nothing to complain about. But in truth, as a mother the spouse and the children heap their complaints, upsets, trials and tribulations upon us instead. Sometimes its tough to deal with, other times, not so much. Finding an outlet is a good thing – whether its running, Bible study or reading a book. I wore a cross on my bracelet, during a period of time much like your own. It was a source of comfort to rub that cross and say a quick prayer, or count to three. Helped a situation lose some momentum and gained me some sanity. Autumn is called Fall for a reason…. there’s a lot of things to do before the holidays and new year, and the new year of school and the change of seasons!
I hadn’t thought of it as “fall,” and in falling down, which is exactly what I’ve been doing. All this change is HARD.
I’m a long time reader of your site. Thank you so much for this entry.
We just got back from a trip to visit family across the country. My son (3.5) and his cousin (4.5) were awesome playmates, most of the time…except that my kid is….more spirited, let’s say.
Usually I can handle his peculiarities and his moods with no problem, and view his behavior as well within the range of normal for his age (though, yes, trying at times). The trip left me feeling like something was wrong with him…like he was an extremely difficult child. I ended up in tears most days as my SIL told him to “go play somewhere else” or took her son away from mine.
It makes me feel normal again to see that there are parents all over who are dealing with “spirited” kids, and that are kids ARE normal.
Hang in there.
Oh I completely, COMPLETELY understand. I have friends whose children are perfect angels. They never misbehave. Mine? Misbehave worse when we’re around them.
I’ve started to wonder if there’s something not quite right about my daughter, in terms of her behavior, but maybe “spirited” is the the best way to describe her.
I think you’ve touched on a terribly vexing issue that I, for one, would like to get to the bottom of. Why do we take on more than we can comfortably manage and drive ourselves into the ground. And then stop, take a breather, feel good, and start the whole process over again?
Each time I wear myself out from trying to do much, I stop, breathe, and recover–and write about how I’m so much better. But then I do it again. And each time I think I chip off a little bit of my personhood. Or my lifespan. Or both.
Is it too much ambition? Is it too much guilt? Is it too much responsibility getting lumped into the “motherhood” role? Is it just modern life–a postmodern disaster that we’re all stuck with? Boy I’d like to know. Because I’d like to stop suffocating myself with stuff I don’t need to be doing.
As for the atrocious kid behavior–my guess is that the kids will pull themselves out of that phase before you (or I) pull ourselves out of the “I do too much” phase. My kids seem to (eventually) get over themselves and move on better than I do. They’re . I’m just stuck.
Team Suzanne´s last [type] ..Stuff I don’t get: Part 3
I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to undo the things I’ve done and not do these things again. But some of the things that have weighed me down are things like my son starting Kindergarten. That isn’t going to change.
Also, I think that for me, my life is built around the computer and I get so easily overwhelmed by all the social media and unanswered emails that sometimes I just have to completely turn it all off and pretend that I’m Amish. Except for the electricity in my house and flushing toilets.
…oops. What happened to my last sentence? I meant to say: “They’re developing. I’m just stuck.”
Team Suzanne´s last [type] ..Stuff I don’t get: Part 3
I want to write again…but I felt like if I wasn’t doing reviews or the like it didn’t matter.
Thank you for writing from the soul. Makes me remember why I loved it to begin with.
Hang in there my friend. I know it’s hard. It is HARD–that being a grown-up and taking care of other people business. We all feel the need to hide sometimes. Every. single. one. of. us.
Thanks for writing this – I really needed to read those words. Yesterday was an incredibly bad ME day completely related to hormones, I assume as nothing really unusual happened. It was just one of THOSE days & I was cranky & wanted nothing more than everyone to go to sleep so I could settle down to read for a few minutes. While helping my daughter with the last of her homework, my “Bible-touching” moment of the day happened. She needed to write a “go-to” scripture and immediately I told her Phillippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And just by saying those words, I realized that’s what my day had been lacking. Even though there was nothing in particular that had gone wrong and I didn’t need strengthening at any particular time, I can still turn to Him for love and support when I feel like it’s inexplicably missing. How had I not realized that all day? I’m thankful that a 6th grade Bible class worksheet drove that point home once again …
GISrunner´s last [type] ..Brain dump
I know exactly how you feel, while I don’t have the same things they are so similar. So many times I agree to things then later go when do I have time to do that?!
Sitting down and taking a breath is just so nice. Thank you for sharing.
Heather´s last [type] ..Quick takes
I love this because it is so incredibly honest.
I feel the way you do about your daughter about my son sometimes. It’s just too much. It’s overwhelming.
Alison´s last [type] ..Sawdust
Oh, how I relate to your post. So gorgeously written, so honest and open and true.
I felt that jittery panic in the grocery store this morning, a feeling like one more thing – no matter how small – was going to make me crack wide open. I have too much going on, too many things crammed into my brain, and it is so easy to lose grace and gratitude in all that clutter.
Thank you for the reminder of the freedom found in focusing on the gratitude. Your words really helped me today.
-Ellie
Ellie´s last [type] ..The Sign
Thank you for this reminder.
Ann´s last [type] ..False Positive
I’ve found that when I’m stressed/overscheduled/fah-reaking out about “life”, my kids’ behavior goes far, far south. I think they feed off of my stress and, not knowing what to do with it, go bananas.
We had a horrible winter, my son’s behavior was breaking me, and I finally said, “I can’t do it all” and dropped a major stress in my life. (no, not him) He got SO, so, so much better, almost instantly, it was bizarre and hard to write off to just a phase.
I don’t want to tell you to “drop” something, it’s just something I observed with my kids. Hope things get better for you. No one should cry in the Apple store unless they just dropped their iPad2.
Fairly Odd Mother´s last [type] ..Is this the little boy at play?
Oh my goodness wow you just punctured something in me that I didn’t even know was festering around. I am kind of right there, too.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last [type] ..Peacetown
Aaahhh. Those moments (minutes/hours) of internal panic. I still have those at times. But am slowly learning and remembering that I need to breathe and PRAY for peace. Sometimes I remember quicker than others. Sometimes, like you, I need to go out on my own. I do know that if I can go surfing (which I haven’t done for a while) I am a lot more relaxed – something to do with the water I think. Or the fact that it is ‘me’ and God time. Nothing else can interfere – even if it is good things. Sometimes, even the ‘good’ things we do can be the wrong thing to do at the time. Praying for you that you can find the balance and the panic subsides.
I think that I may have just found the impetus to just take up running (or at least walking at first) as my mode of exercise. Really, you had me at “more time to myself by running further”. Feeling broken by your kids own behaviour? I’ve been there. Then they come out and surprise you with such amazing sweet, sincere, sensitivity and it literally knocks you over with a feather, and you forget the bad stuff. Well, at least on the surface anyway. You’re welcome to email me if you want to vent to a completely safe (non-psycho) stranger who has felt the same way, and come out the other side.
MacLeod House´s last [type] ..Play Park Fun
I hate it when I do the ugly cry. My nose swells. Not pretty. Here’s to more healing. : )
I love your honesty. I’m so glad I’m not the only mama who feels that way. And what is it about little girls? My daughter is so amazing, but she can be oh so stubborn too. I just hope we can make it through the teenage years. BREATHE….
Pam´s last [type] ..10 Years
Practicing gratitude the last few weeks has helped me learn to “live” again after the roller-coaster our life has been on the last several months. I am learning to live and give thanks for all the moments along the way. Her book has been life changing for me:)
I’m so glad you did this. I mean, for you…and because I see myself in this and I needed to remember the thankfulness. It really does balm things, even the hardest things.
“I’ve been running further and further distances just to be alone.” –yeah, me too.
xo
It’s amazing how just touching His Word and asking for help has power, isn’t it?
I saw a woman in Wal-Mart this week with a club hand and fought back the crumpled chin and begging-God-why-ugliest-of-ugly cries. I don’t know what exactly we’re facing with Baby Girl, but I know that He is with us and has chosen this burden and blessing for us – for whatever reason. I just hope we are faithful in it.
October 7 inducing – if she can wait that long.
Also, Drs. Braxton and Hicks must have been very cruel people to have wanted their names associated with such discomfort and annoyance. I’m just sayin’.
Hugs to you, and boo on panic attacks!
Also, Sissy is 10 and it’s harder with her right now than it ever has been and than I thought it would be at this age. If we can make it through this age, we will hopefully sail through high school. Or one of us will end up in jail.
I’m working on my prayer life right now.