I hate when I get that little voice in my head that tells me that I’m not good enough. I’m pretty sure everyone has that voice sometimes, it’s just something about being human, I think.
I’m not the best writer. I’m not the most popular. I’m not the best photographer. I’m not the fastest runner. I’m not the prettiest/funniest/most organized…
Something about me: I crave being recognized for the things I do, whatever it is. Usually I’m okay with not being the best, as long as I hear, “good job.”
The past year has felt like a blur. I finally was offered paid writing jobs, I started my own business (sort of/halfway), I ran a half-marathon. Sometimes I felt like I was on fire, but most of the time I felt like all I was doing was putting out fires. I certainly wasn’t the best at anything I was doing. Especially when it came to Carson and Ella, I felt like, I don’t know, I felt like I failing them somehow.
I thought that being a working mom would be that best of both worlds thing where I was finally recognized for my work. Being a mom is absolutely one of the greatest things about my life, but it’s not something that is exactly applauded. You don’t get gold stars for getting all the laundry done or a check in the mail every time you manage to get to soccer practice on time with shoes, socks, shin guards, a soccer ball, and a water bottle.
Funny thing, though, getting those paychecks didn’t fill up that part of me that craves recognition. In these past few months, where I’ve been utterly overwhelmed and unhappy, I thought a lot about what I really want out of life and I figured out at least one thing that I’m sure of. I want to be really good at being a mom. I don’t mean that I want to be a better mom than you or the mom that you see on Pinterest who is gorgeous, takes perfect pictures of her very clean children in her immaculate home, can fashion a work of art out of recycled thrift store finds, all while preparing dinner from scratch. No.
I want to be a really good mom to Carson and Ella. To do that I had to give up a few things. I quit one of my jobs. I gave up a few responsibilities. I decided to respect my time. I decided to stop feeling like I have to apologize for not being good at everything. (Well, at least until that voice in my head starts up again. It can be a bit pesky.)
It will always be there, the craving to be recognized, especially for what I do as a mom. It’s not something that will actually happen, I know that nobody will really notice all the tiny details that go into being their mom, but I do know that focusing on my kids is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing right now.