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Why Yes I DO Have Thoughts on This!

Written on May 13, 2008 by Jennifer in Ask Teh Internets, Little Monkeys, Mommydom

My friend Shannon is expecting her first baby on my son’s birthday! She recently emailed me and asked my opinion of some baby gear. I got so excited to be asked for my opinion that I nearly wet myself from the excitement.

Here’s what I told her about my opinion of travel systems…

“As far as the stroller system, here’s what I recommend…(feel free to do with this info whatever you please!) Graco MetroLite stroller!!!!! Only 17 lbs! It’s a travel system, which I DO think is good. Why, you ask? Well lemme tell ya…if you plan to ever go anywhere then you’ll want a really good stroller. Unless you get a really expensive umbrella stroller, then it’s a pain in the arse to push around. Once Baby is strong enough to hold up her head, then you won’t necessarily need to use the carseat in the stroller. However when Baby gets tired, he might want to be reclined in the stroller for a nap. Umbrella strollers don’t have that feature. Also if you go shopping at the mall, the MetroLite has a basket on the bottom to stow away purchases and purses and whatever else you’re carting along. The umbrella stroller doesn’t. When Baby gets hungry while you’re out and about, you’ll want a tray on the stroller for the cheerios and sweet potato puffs. The umbrella stroller doesn’t have a tray. If it’s bright and sunny out and you want a cover over Baby’s little head, you won’t have one large enough on an umbrella stroller.

Some people really like umbrella strollers. I think they are very useful if you plan on traveling long distances or by plane a lot, as they take up less space. That doesn’t mean you won’t need a better stroller for everyday use, though.”

Whew!

I feel really strongly in favor of the Graco MetroLite! GO Graaaaaaaaacccccccccoooooooooooo! Go!

I feel equally as strong about my disdain for the Diaper Genie. BOOO! Two thumbs down! If I had more thumbs, I’d put them down, too. The insert refills are expensive and once Baby makes stinky poops, I don’t think it actually masks any odors.

BOOOOO!

Now, I have plenty more opinions, but this post doesn’t need to be 40,000 words. I’d like to know some of your opinions about your favorite and detested baby gear.

Here’s what you do…Tell Shannon about one MUST HAVE baby gear item and WHY! The WHY is most important. Then tell Shannon one eye-roll worthy baby product and WHY! Again, the WHY is very important.

I’m certain Shannon appreciates all of our ~~assvice~~, er, I mean ADvice.

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“Fireworks Store” is Code for “Young, Hot Babes, Twenty Dolla”

Written on April 30, 2008 by Jennifer in Ask Teh Internets, my stream of consciousness

Hi! Did you miss me? I mean, I didn’t post anything yesterday, veering way off course from my usual daily posting. It’s just that I’ve been a bit busy, traveling ALONE with my two children. (Yes they are both still alive and KICKING and SCREAMING, but barely.) I spent the last few days visiting my parents and in-laws back in Missouri and have just returned to Indinanna (Carson’s spin on Indiana.)

While driving home, I attempted to drown out the wailing of my children in the backseat by coming up with some really great topics to discuss here. I had hours and hours to contemplate possible subjects. Since most of my topics fall under the categories of either “lame” or “who the heck cares,” I truly wanted to come up with something that would knock your socks off and make you say, “Wow, that Jennifer came up with a topic that we will all be talking about for minutes to come.”

Luckily I was able to come up with a topic that fell into both the “lame” AND “who the heck cares” categories. It’s my little gift to you, my readers. This is what I came up with…my confusion about year-round mega fireworks stores. I’m sure you’ve all seen those, right? They are typically located along the Interstate and are huge buildings with flashy colors, advertising FIREWORKS! FIREWORKS! FIREWORKS!

This is what I wonder…How does a place like this remain open? Why do people need Black Cats and Roman Candles in April, or any days besides July 4 and New Years’ Eve*? Who shops at these places?

And then it occurred to me…maybe I’m naive. Maybe these “fireworks” places don’t sell fireworks year round at all. Maybe “Fireworks Store” is code for “Young, hot babes, twenty dolla!” Or! OR! Maybe, it’s code for “buy your illegal drugs/weapons/contraband in our basement!”

I considered not even talking about this, just in case I accidentally stumbled upon a private, underground industry and have inadvertantly outed these “fireworks stores.” It’s almost like I’m some sort of investigative journalist on Dateline NBC or 20/20. Almost.

Don’t worry, I also came up with another topic to discuss later in the week while driving, “Why I don’t like eating at places that remind me of barns or poop.”

I am clearly on my way to being a popular mommyblogger now with topics like these! (Is that my subscriber count plummeting??)

PS. Fireworks on New Year’s Eve is a very annoying southern thing.

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Because I Need You to Hold My Hand

Written on April 8, 2008 by Jennifer in Ask Teh Internets, Quirky Me

I need your hair advice. Yes, I realize Whoorl is the go-to gal in the blogosphere for this sort of thing, but I, like, DON’T HAVE TIME TO WAIT. My appointment is THIS Saturday and I’m freaking out because I want something completely different. But, I’m skeered that I’ll end up hating it and then be angry and frustrated that I spent hard earned money on it.

So I need your help so that I can blame you, too, if it turns out horribly! I’m, uh, kidding of course. [insert nervous laughter here]

I’ve poured and poured over hair photos. Long hair, medium length hair, short hair…and I *think* I’ve made a decision.

Currently I have hair that rests just past my shoulders. You know that really annoying length, where it isn’t really long, it has no shape. It’s just there. The color is sort of a brownish, with blondish streaks in it. In other words it’s U.G.L.Y.

Here is the hair that I want.

I want to get a more all over color, like Katie’s, except not as quite dark as hers. Also, I’m concerned about the amount of bangs. Maybe it’s too much?

Some things to keep in mind…

1. I have fine, thin hair.
2. Until having children I had very straight hair, now I have random and annoying waves.
3. I don’t have lots of time for styling my hair, but this style (to me) doesn’t look especially high maintenance.
Edited to add:
4. My natural color is a dark-ish brown.
5. I do plan to dry and flat iron my hair everyday.

I also think that it’s important to admit that I’ve chosen celebrity hair styles before. When I see their hair, I picture a far improved version of myself with their hair, but also with their facial features, toweresque height, thin thighs, and professionally applied make-up. All this expectation usually sets me up for disappointment.

Voting is CLOSED. I mean, you can still vote if you want, but I already got my hair cut and won’t be checking this poll again. Just so you know.

Now go vote! Susan B. Anthony worked very hard to give you this right to vote. Don’t disappoint her.

Also edited to add:
My hair currently looks similar to my profile picture, only longer and less shape around the face. And yes, I’ll be posting after pics this weekend.

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When I Need Expert Advice, I Consult Mah Peeps on Teh Internetz

Written on March 18, 2008 by Jennifer in Ask Teh Internets, Happy Homemaking, photoshop fun, Pictures

I have a very serious medical condition. It’s called Icantdecorateforsh*t-itis. Please don’t worry, I know you want to help me and luckily FOR YOU, I think you can.

One of the symptoms of Icantdecorateforsh*t-itis is the inability to decorate a large patio door with anything besides UGLY VERTICAL BLINDS. Help! This will eventually will be a door that we will go in and out of frequently, although right now we don’t actually have a yard. In the mornings we need something that blocks the sun’s blinding fury.

I think my dilemma is obvious. Those blinds SCREAM 1990.

Yet another symptom of this very serious disease, is the utter and complete feeling of being overwhelmed when trying to figure out how to decorate this wall…

Please note the monstrosity that is our television, currently fulfilling the role of “focal point.” I’d like to hang some pictures along the wall next to the TV, but I’m afraid it will look terrible. Also, I wonder if I need some sort of table thing to “anchor” the pictures. How would something like this look? Table? No table?

You can help! For just one comment, you can cure me of Icantdecorateforsh*t-itis.

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I had the pleasure of meeting several great bloggers at the Indianapolis area blogger meet-up this past weekend. I would have written about it yesterday, but my thumb and elbow were too sore from bowling. Have I mentioned how much I love Indiana? Well, I DO.

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One last thing, you can check out my new celebrity buzz column over at Blissfully Domestic (among many other far better columns) every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday!

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Throw Me Some Ideas, Mister!

Written on January 7, 2008 by Jennifer in Ask Teh Internets, Contest, Life in LA

Post #4 about moving….sort of…

Wait! Don’t go! Please stay, let me tell you about a contest! I’m also going to ask you out on a date! *wink, wink*

In less than three weeks, I’ll have made the big move far, far north of Alabama to the land of fried pepsi and corn. That means I have only about 18 days left to have some fun with mah peeps here in Mobile. Only EIGHT. TEEN. DAYS.

This is the part where I need your help. And for your trouble, you could win some supa-dupa prizes!

Heather, her highness, The Queen of Shake-Shake and I plan to live it up these next 18 days. We want ideas and suggestions of things you would like to see us do together before we must say goodbye. What kind of trouble or fun can you get us into? Give us some ideas!

We will be awarding a true Southern gift set (pronounced “Suthun”), complete with Mardi Gras beads and moon pies, canned boiled peanuts (pronounced “boled”), plus several other “Suthun” surprises!, to the winner(s) whose fun idea(s) we pick.**

Here are some guidelines to assist you in making your suggestions:

1. It must be affordable. (While we’d love to rent a jet to fly our pasty selves the Caymen Islands, sadly our trust funds have gone dry.)

2. We are not opposed to making idiots of ourselves, complete with photographic evidence, however, we are not willing to do anything that would get us arrested. (Nakedness, robbery, and pr0stitution are all off limits.)

3. We want to have FUN (spoken with lots! of! emotion!, “FUN!”)! Classy fun, immature fun, redneck fun…we’ll take all kinds!

4. Since our nannies up and quit on us, we may have to bring our children along. (This goes back to the nakedness, robbery, and pr0stitution being off limits.)

5. Nothing kinky. Heather and I don’t like each other that way.

We’ll post the pictures, possibly youtube videos depending on the ideas, and give a full report of our adventures.

Ooooh, I’m almost forgot about our date! Heather and I are going to a Mardi Gras parade Saturday night, January 19th. If you’d like to join us in Lower Alabama, get some beads, and meet us, let us know. We’d love to have you come along! For reals, y’all. There are many, many bloggers within an easy driving distance from Mobile, so we hope to see your pretty little faces, January 19th.

Quick review! We need fun, you give ideas, we use your suggestion, you get prizes, you come for a Mardi Gras parade, you have the greatest time EVAH with us, you go home and make everyone jealous when you tell them how much fun you had.

Sound good?

“When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap!”

-Cynthia Heimel

**I should probably say something all disclaimery here, so I’ll say this…All prizes are chosen by Heather and I. Prizes are subject to change on our whims. You may not like our prizes and they could possibly end up in a “dirty Santa” game next Christmas. We are not responsible if it gets cold here on January 19th and the parade ends up sucking donkey balls. Boobies are not flashed at Mardi Gras here in Mobile, so exhibitionists may want to take that into consideration or risk getting arrested. We’ll choose winners based on how fun their ideas are or by how much money they are willing to pay us. We prefer cash in small bills since they are easier to hide from the IRS. We may only choose one winner, we may pick 10 winners.

Co-author credits to The Queen.

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Coke and Peanuts

Written on January 3, 2008 by Jennifer in Ask Teh Internets, jennifer and tate battle, Men?, ouch, Randomness

Several weeks ago, Tate came home and told me that he’d seen the most disgusting thing ever that day.

“Oh my God! What did you see?”

“Someone had put PEANUTS in their COKE and they were….drinking it!!!,” he said with his face twisted in disgust. “It was all chunky and nasty looking.”

Apparently he’d never heard of someone putting peanuts in their coke. Although I’ve never actually done it myself, I have actually heard of it. I remember my parents talking about getting bottles of coke and a package of peanuts out of vending machines as teenagers and how it was a “cool” thing to do.

Anyway, since most of our arguments are solved via the Internet, he said (all sassified like), “Why don’t you just blog about it…”

“Um? YOU, little man, are NOT the boss of me. I’m not blogging about it unless I WANT to blog about. I’m my own woman.”

“No. Blog about it right NOW. I’m SO winning this battle.”

I guffawed very loudly. Nobody tells me what to blog. No. Bod. Y.

So it’s been at least three weeks, and I am finally ready to blog it. And most certainly NOT because Tate wanted me to, but because my curiosity has been sufficiently brewed and has now piqued.

Have you heard of coke and peanuts? Have you tried it?

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Ask Teh Internets: Those Meddling In laws

Written on November 8, 2007 by Jennifer in Ask Teh Internets

I recently received an email from a reader asking for my assvice.

Assvice? From me? I never know what to do! I’m usually the one seeking the assvice.

So as I was saying, I received an email from a reader wanting to know how to handle her Mother-in-law. Here’s the situation in a nutshell…

Her 4-year-old daughter is shy in large gatherings and social situations, but is talkative and social in smaller groups.

The grandfather spooked this little girl and now she is afraid of him.

The grandmother mentioned to this mom that they think she has symptoms of autism because of her social skills.

Mom didn’t have time to respond, but knows she needs to say something. She doesn’t have a great relationship with her in laws and would like to know what to say when it comes up again.

Since I run screaming from conflict and confrontation like a big ol’ sissy and I have fabulous in laws, I didn’t really know what to tell her. You all have offered me some of the best advice (like when the women at Story Time tick me off, or when I needed to know the nice way to say f*ck off to pesky, rotten strangers when Ella was a newborn).

How should this mom respond to her MIL’s assertion that the daughter has signs of autism? What would you say?

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I’d be happy to make this “Ask Teh Internets” a feature on my blog if anyone else would like advice/assvice about something with which you are having a problem and you don’t want to post about it on your own blog. Just email me the details of the situation and I’ll post your story here. You can be anonymous if you’d like or I’ll link to your blog if you would prefer that.

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