Category Archives: Bow Chanka Bow Bow

Hiding the vibrators, a public service announcement

Written on December 2, 2008 by in Bow Chanka Bow Bow, Men?, Quirky Me

Family members?  Please go away today or at least have the decency not to ever let me know that you read this post. Thanks!

Tate called me in a panic the other day while he was in Indiana with the movers as they were boxing up our stuff.

“Jennifer?!  I’ve been looking everywhere for your blue vibrator and that little red pocket rocket.  I CANNOT FIND THEM.  Where ARE they??  I’m FREAKING OUT, I’ve looked EVERYWHERE!!  I have to find them before the movers do.  I’ll just DIE if the movers find them.”  I thought I heard him start to weep.  He was obviously frantic.**

(**Maybe I paraphrased Tate’s words and added some untrue details.   Possibly I exaggerated for effect.)

“There, there, my love.  Never fear, I have them here with me in Tennessee,” I reassured him in a smooth, calming voice.

“You do?”  I could hear a childlike whimper escape from his lips.  “Oh THANK GOODNESS.  I’m so relieved!  I was about to have a heart attack.”****

(****Okay FINE.  you caught me.  I’m exaggerating.  So what?  The underlying story IS true, though.  So there.)

Moral of the story?  Hide the vibrators from the movers so as to avoid embarrassment and heart attacks.  The more you know!  *ding*



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Things I Didn’t Buy at Meijer

Written on February 14, 2008 by in Bow Chanka Bow Bow, Happy Homemaking, Huh?, meijer, Men?, Pictures

Oh I’m sorry, am I talking about Meijer too much?

What can I say?  I love Meijer.

My favorite aisle in Meijer is the International food aisle.  Going down this aisle makes me realize how little culture I possess.  Last night when I went grocery shopping, I went on a covert mission with my camera to take some pictures of a few things I’ve never heard of.  I apologize for the poor quality of some of the pictures, but I was really nervous taking pictures and was certain that I’d get banned from Meijer for taking the pictures, which obviously would be HORRIBLE.  Who me?  Irrational much? 

Anglophile Football Fanatic? Mrs. Chicken?  I found this in the British section.   Help me understand. Please. What IS this stuff??

All I know is that Tate better never come home with a (can of) spotted d1ck. *ahem*

Salad and cream DO NOT belong together. Yuck.  I think I just PIMMALed (puked in my mouth a little.)  (Thanks Sarah, In the Trenches for that little phrase!)

Um, Dana?? Why??? What is WITH all the CREAM??

This is one kind of Ovaltine even I HAVEN’T heard of. Anyone else heard of it?

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I’d like to leave you with a story of true romance this Valentine’s Day. Oh, right, Happy Valentine’s Day everyone (the 2nd most overrated holiday.)  (By the way, I’m not bitter, just realistic.)

Last night at Meijer, I saw a gentleman walking toward me with a bouquet of roses and something tucked under his arm. I thought to myself how sweet it was that he was getting flowers for his wife. He smiled sheepishly at me as we passed. When I saw what he was carrying under his arm, I understood why.

Maxi pads. The BIG OL’ JUMBO kind of maxi pads.

A man buying roses and maxi pads. Now that, my friends, is LOVE.

Alright everyone together now….”Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

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Mood Killer

Written on November 12, 2007 by in Bow Chanka Bow Bow, hole-y matrimony, Little Monkeys

There’s nothing like the sound of your son’s voice over the baby monitor to ruin a perfectly lovely, kids napping at the same time, adults only Sunday afternoon.

“Mommy!”

“Daddy!”

“Thomas DVD!”

Those words are just. Not. Hot.

“Get up!”

Hot. But NOT when you hear it over the baby monitor.

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Mirena and Me

Written on October 17, 2007 by in Bow Chanka Bow Bow, Mommydom, Quirky Me

I’m going to my OB/Gyn later this afternoon and getting a Mirena IUD (put in, installed…what’s the right word here?). I know that I asked for your advice several months ago regarding this, completely chickened out, and decided to go on the mini-pill. Of course, I had a slight adverse reaction to the mini-pill, which caused me to temporarily consider changing my name to Martha Smith, dying my hair black, moving to a non-descript town in the middle of Nowhere, USA, and begin a new life as a convenience store worker.

I’ve thought alot about this decision and done some research. I think this is the right decision since the current birth control method we’re using has a fairly high failure rate, but I’m still afraid. I fear the side effects, especially the possibility of losing my mind again. Googling Mirena IUD yielded both positive and frightening results. Some people have had wonderful experiences and would recommend it to everyone, others have become pregnant or have had painful side effects that doctors claim aren’t a result of the Mirena. I’m hoping my experience will be on the positive end of the spectrum.

If you’re not sitting down, this may be a good time to do that. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but here goes. The main reason I decided to go with the Mirena is that I’m not 100% sure that we’re not having more children. Despite repeatedly telling people that I was sure that our family was complete, now I’m not so sure. In fact. I’d even consider two more. Although I routinely provide evidence to the contrary (like in this, this, this, this, this, especially THIS, oooh and THIS post), I do in fact enjoy my children and love my role as a mother. You may question my sanity and desire for another child, I wouldn’t blame you. Maybe I have lost my mind, maybe it’s just a temporary yearning to have more children. One thing I do know is this, I am certain I’m not ready to have another baby right now or even anytime in the next year.

**I do reserve the right to retract or alter any and all of the above statements.

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I Completely Underestimated the Need

Written on August 15, 2007 by in Bow Chanka Bow Bow, Men?

First things first…our podcast had to be postponed. You can thank the Internet gods for this unexpected turn of events. We’re trying to reschedule for tonight at 8:30 CST, but are at the mercy of said Internet gods, so cross your fingers that She cooperates.

*******

I feel there is a need for clarification regarding my post yesterday. Tate came home from work with his boxers all in a bunch since he apparently read yesterday’s post. (Oh, I didn’t tell you? Yep, he’s reading now and he’s told just about everyone he knows about my blog including the in-laws, his co-workers, even his boss. I’m waving hello to everyone!!!) Anyhow, yesterday’s post certainly wasn’t about TATE! Oh goodness, no! He would NEVER do ANY of those silly things OTHER men do to get their wimmins in the mood. No way! NOT Tate. *ahem*

After reading all of yesterdays comments, I came to a sad realization. My idea for the women and sex tutorial was something that could be printed on something the size of an index card, or smaller so men could have it on hand in those intimate moments. I also thought the information could be printed on a brochure. These brochures could be placed around where men would likely pick them up, sporting goods stores, on the doors of the beer case at the convenience store, above urinals, or maybe auto parts stores. Unfortunately my idea for a brief tutorial completely underestimated mens’ needs in this area. Your comments yesterday made me realize that a 500-page how-to manual would be more appropriate.

In the event that you didn’t come back to read the comments (*gasp*), I thought I’d share with you some of my glaring omissions.

First, though, here is one that I completely forgot to add yesterday. I’ve only heard that some men do this, but NEVER TATE!

7) Don’t come home after having eaten some sort of bean and raw onion concoction from lunch, stinking out BOTH ENDS and expect a little somethin’ somethin’. It ain’t happening.

Now onto your ideas.

From Mamma…
1. Turning your head towards my face on your pillow and giving me “the eye.”

2. Poking me in the back with your friend.

3. Grabbing my boob as I’m rushing around trying to get dressed for work.

4. Trying to play with the breasts right after we have just nursed your child. GO AWAY! These have a different purpose right now, and we don’t want to spray you when they think the touch means it’s time to go to work again.

And not to leave you poor men hanging, here are some helpful hints.

1. Dinner–alone with just the two of us when you arrange the babysitter–that would be nice.

2. Compliments are appreciated. And not just on our ability to clean the house or make a dinner. Or give a good blow job.

3. Pretend we’re your girlfriend and you think we’re hot. It’s called fantasy play. You’ll be surprised how far it will get you.

From Beth…
Groping me in the kitchen when I’m trying to clean up, make bottles, and get lunch together for the next day does NOT count as foreplay.

From Sandy…
If we say, “Honey, let’s go to bed” and it is still early…don’t immediately say, “I’m not tired, I think I will stay up a while”. Get your butt up and got to bed or you will miss your treat. This is one of those times you always ask for…that we initiate. We can’t help it if you are too dense to notice it and spelling it out ruins the mood.

From Beckie…
After 10 years, I shouldn’t have to tell you the same ole stuff about what I do/don’t like!

From Smiling Mom…
Where you are rushing around the house cleaning and suddenly the breast is grabbed and the eye is given… very sexy.

Ahem.

From Mommy Daisy…
When “Aunt Flo” is visiting, do NOT tell me how horny you are. No amount of groping or kissing of the neck is going to get you some. When I’m having cramps, I DO NOT wish to help you out with a blow job. Thanks, but no thanks.

From Devan…
Groping does not equal foreplay.

Saying “wanna do it?” is not romantic.

Touching me ONLY when you have sex on the brain is pointless.

A week after baby is born, saying “You could just *do me*” is not going to win you any points. NONE at all!

From Super B’s Mom…
1) Slapping wife on the ass so hard that she whacks her head on the dryer when she’s bent over folding clothes does not…I repeat..DOES NOT turn her on.

2) Wife is not bikini-clad in the pool for your constant groping and fondling pleasure. Sometimes she just wants to get some sun….along with some friggin peace and quiet.

From Deb…
A victorias secret gift card would help!

From Canape…
Saying to me when you get home, “I was hoping to get me some later,” must be followed up with action (see #3). If it is not, don’t whine to me the next morning about how you didn’t get any.

From Slackermommy…
The biggest thing for me is for the hubs to take me out. Let me get dressed up and feel like we are dating. Staying over night at a hotel guarantees really raunchy sex. There’s no worries of kids catching us, dryer buzzer going off, phone ringing, etc.

From “The Dairy Wife”…
1) aaahh, taking my hand and putting it on your crotch doesn’t get it. I didn’t feel a thing!

2) shaking your *wanky* at me after you’ve been in the barn with the cows all morning doesn’t get it either. No Way! The cows smell better than you!

3) asking me if you can just *do it* and have a *freebie* while the kids are still in their cribs yelling, “wha-cha doing daddy?” “daddy-mommy” “up Mommy” just don’t get it either … we have triplets for god’s sake .. that’s three screaming kids on the other side of the door yelling “mommeeeee” at the top of their lungs … No Sir! No freebies!

******
Keep your ideas coming!!! You are doing a very important service for women across the land!!!!

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Women and Sex: A Brief Tutorial

Written on August 14, 2007 by in Bow Chanka Bow Bow

In conversations with my girlfriends, we occasionally giggle about our husband’s attempts at how to get us in the mood. It’s become rather obvious that men seem to still need some assistance in this area. Since I am always trying to be helpful, I’ve devised this simple tutorial that could be handed out to men across the land.

This is merely a rough draft, so readers, your input would be greatly appreciated…

Women and Sex: A Brief Tutorial for Men

I’d like to offer my expertise as a woman to help all of you men out there with your daily “agenda.”

We women know your “agenda” typically consists of”
1) sex
2) eating
3) sex
4) sleeping, and
5) sex.

Today we’re going to discuss numbers 1, 3, and 5. Sex.

(This is your cue Mom, Mother-in-law, any other family member reading to stop now. Visit one of these websites instead…

You tube or HGTV or Cabelas

You may come back tomorrow. Bye!)

Now onto the tutorial…

I understand that many of you men out there like things in order. Think of this as a “honey do” list. I’m sure you’re used to those. I’ll offer you a list of things to remember when it comes to romance (yes this is an absolute MUST in achievement of sex), foreplay (again yes, this is a MUST), sex, and what happens afterwards.

1) Women liked being wooed. Simply saying “woo, woo” is not sufficient. We like flowers or other small, thoughtful gifts occasionally. Taking out the trash or doing the dishes without being asked can win you MAJOR bonus points in the wooing arena.

2) Dimming the lights does not, by itself, count as a romantic gesture. When coupled with words such as “can I rub your feet?” or “no, let me clean the bathroom,” adds a lot to the romance.

3) Saying “you wanna go have sex?” doesn’t count as foreplay. Simply being, how do I say this in the most appropriate way…”at attention,” most definitely does not count as foreplay.

4) Foreplay can and most importantly SHOULD last longer than 5 seconds. Several minutes, even as many as 60 minutes (or MORE if we so determine), may be necessary to qualify as foreplay.

5) Sex isn’t going to happen often with your breastfeeding, sleep-deprived, post-partum partner very often. It just isn’t. Get used to it. It might happen more often, though, if hints number 1-4 are followed.

6) Falling asleep within seconds of YOUR grand finale is rude. It’s also rude to stop before making sure that you are not the only one to have had a grand finale.

I hope these simple hints will assist you and your quest to achieve your “agenda” and understand women a bit better.

Your woman guru,

Jennifer

To assist with the tutorial, please leave your own helpful hints. Just think of the difference you could make in some couple’s life!!

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Come tune into The B.O.O.B at 8:30 CST TONIGHT for some more sex discussion. Heather and I will have a quick discussion (15 minutes or less) of how to talk to a women to get her hhhhhhhot. Join us, won’t you?

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Just In Case I Ever Want to Get It On Again

Written on June 25, 2007 by in Bow Chanka Bow Bow, Men?, Quirky Me

The feeling passed. I knew it would, cruel, cruel hormones.

But in my infinite “the glass is half-full” outlook on life, I hope one day it will return. You know, like in two or three years.

In the meantime, I should probably indulge my husband with my wifely duties and occasionally put out. I’ve been saying all along that I was going to have my husband neutered after baby number two, but after my less than stellar experience with the urologist, we’ve been rethinking the decision. I mean if they were going to send in a novice to remove my stent (with no supervision nonetheless), the prospect of allowing them to play with Tate’s man parts makes us leery.

Being blessed twice with colicky babies, this womb is closed to further occupants. Birth control is a top priority for me. Very reliable birth control.

Condoms certainly don’t fit my profile of reliable, so they are out. And they’re just icky. You may as well just call them mood killers with their useless ribbing and their smell.

I’ve been on the pill with great baby prevention success, but with libido consequences. As in, “I’ll just lay here while you do your thang. Mind if I catch up on my reading?”

After Peanut’s birth, I got a diaphragm. I know! It’s so 1970′s!. My doctor acted like it was the strangest request she’d ever heard. You would have thought I’d asked to keep my placenta so that I could take it home and cook up a delicious recipe.

Tomorrow, I go for my six week checkup with my Ob/Gyn. I am thinking about talking to her about the Mirena IUD. Since Dr. Google is the wrong person to ask, I thought I’d consult you all, Drs. Blogosphere, and see if anyone has any experience with this.

The thought of the IUD scares me a bit. I have vague recollections of copper things in my Health textbooks from high school. It also seems weird to have something inside you all the time. Kinda creeps me out.

Maybe we should reconsider a visit to the urologist.

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