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Category Archives: confession

Tell me she’s not talking about her crotch again

Written on August 29, 2008 by Jennifer in Ask Teh Internets, confession, I am woman, my stream of consciousness, Quirky Me

This situation of which I’m going to describe is PURELY hypothetical. Not one ounce of truth to it, no siree. None whatsoever. *fingers crossed behind my back*

So tell me, what would you do if, say, you were on a walk with your (two) kids in an adjoining neighborhood and you suddenly had the most terrible, all-consuming itch.

The itch is in the upper crotch region, not to be confused with the lower crotch region-which obviously if you’re itching “down there” you might want to see a DOCTOR.

Anyway, this upper crotch region itch is a really, really itchy itch. It itches so much you can barely walk. It itches so much you feel like if you don’t scratch it, you’ll lose your mind.

Keep this in mind, you’re not in your neighborhood. It’s highly unlikely that you’ll see anyone you know. Even if you did see someone, most likely you’d never see them again. Also, it’s early in the morning, but not so early that there are lots of people driving by heading for work, kids have already left for school. Basically, it looks as if nobody even knows you’re there.

But also keep in mind the fact that it’s your CROTCH that itches and to scratch it looks incredibly nasty to the average Joe who happens to witness such an act.

Do you get in there and scratch away, right there on the street, trying to act like nothing’s amiss as you attempt to continue pushing your double stroller while getting after that itch?

Or do you suck it up and continue walking while thinking non-itchy and non-scratchy thoughts?

WHAT do you DO????

I’m just curious in case this ever happens to me. Also, I’m just collecting this information for a book I’m writing on survival skills in the suburbs. Um. Yeah.

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Pudding rewards

Written on August 25, 2008 by Jennifer in confession, kitchens are no place for playgroupies, Little Monkeys, Mommydom, Pictures

I KNOW that the “experts” say we shouldn’t reward our children with food. They’ll end up with messed up ways of thinking about food and eventually be morbidly obese and probably prematurely bald or something.

So in the interest of following the advice of “experts” and not royally screwing him up, I didn’t actually reward Carson’s surprisingly AWESOME school behavior with pudding. Rather, I rewarded him with MAKING pudding. That’s totally different.

Any kids that sits in circle time AND sings AND likes it, totally deserves some pudding. I mean, they deserve to MAKE some pudding.

Poor Carson with the cheap Mommy. Maybe someday I’ll make enough off my ads to by real Nilla Wafers.

Now if I can just get him to wait until after dinner to eat it…then the pudding would be dessert and NOT a reward! TOTALLY. DIFFERENT.

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Sweating the small stuff

Written on August 4, 2008 by Jennifer in confession, Quirky Me, Randomness

This is one of those posts that I’d like to just type out, no spaces, no capitalization, no spell check. I’m not doing that partly because, well, no one could read it and partly because I don’t need one more thing that is a mess right now.

Since getting back from San Francisco, or maybe since the beginning of summer, I just don’t have my shit together. The longer days should mean MORE time to get things done but NOTHING is getting done. I have so many unfinished projects and tasks and lists that I am in a perpetual state of playing catch up.

Also, my brain is swimming with random worries because why NOT think of EVERY possible BAD thing that MIGHT happen!

I haven’t reconciled my checkbook since May.

My kitchen floor is a never ending battle of crumbs and smears. Why bother getting on my hands and knees to mop when it’s just going to look like hell after the next meal? Maybe I should just start feeding the children dry, easily swept foods for every meal.

Speaking of meals, Ella has become the pickiest eater ever, preferring to eat yogurt, slightly green bananas (others get thrown on the already filthy kitchen floor), Club crackers, and raisins. She rarely eats meat or cheese and loves chucking her cup on the floor that inevitably spills ON THAT DAMNED KITCHEN FLOOR.

We have spiders and crickets and, OH MY FREAKING HELL, FLIES. I keep forgetting to call a bug man (hellooooo phone anxiety) and to buy a fly swatter.

I’m always exhausted.

My email inbox has about 25 unread items, all of which I should be answering right now instead of blogging about them. DUMB.

I went out with friends twice this weekend getting home very late both Friday and Saturday, leaving Tate at home to care for the kids. On Sunday I was so exhausted that I took an afternoon nap when the kids went down and had to reject Tate’s wagging eyebrows. I haven’t had time for my OWN HUSBAND.

We need to start recycling. I fear that I alone am contributing to the demise of our planet.

I am so tired of cleaning mud off of Carson’s shoes.

The toys. Oh the toys. They are everywhere. I want to box them all up and ship them AWAY.

I’ve never had any sort of stranger, nobody-should-touch-your-privates talk with Carson. He’s OVER two and a half, I suck. But if I do say something, what do I say to him?

I feel guilty that I got THE CAMERA.

I feel guilty that Tate misses Alabama and I just…don’t.

Taking Ella anywhere is like wrassling a wild monkey. Not fun. Actually Ella IS a wild monkey. Only sometimes fun, mostly into everything and trashing my BLEEPING KITCHEN FLOOR.

How do you clean tiled showers? Am I supposed to scrub the tiled walls all the way up to the ceiling?

I’m sitting here, griping on the computer. Rewording and deleting and spellchecking when I should be tackling SOMETHING on my to-do list.

Mamma Mia made my ears bleed and I thought I might have to claw out my eyeballs. (I really should write a post about that and not THIS). I will never look at Pierce Brosnan, 007 James Bond, Pierce Brosnan the same way again. *shudder*

I’ve gained 10 motherflacking pounds this summer.

My towels smell musty even after washing them in hot water. My dishwasher is possessed and doesn’t always start when you push the START BUTTON. User error? I DON’T THINK SO FRIGIDAIRE.

Okay, I’m done writing my list, though, this doesn’t nearly encompass the lazy, overwhelmed, stuck in limbo-ness that is my brain.

Am I really going to post this?

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I refuse to admit whether I cried when I saw Thomas

Written on June 30, 2008 by Jennifer in confession, Little Monkeys, Quirky Me, Uncategorized

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Carson handing the conductor his ticket. (He’s so cute and serious! I could cry!)

I may or may not have felt the a lump in my throat and my eyes fill with tears when I first saw Thomas. The sheer joy on Carson’s face combined with my own excitement of seeing a real, live Thomas, made it very difficult not to well up and openly bawl in front of thousands of strangers. Of course I didn’t actually cry, but I might have felt like it. Maybe. (Why do I always feel teary at things like this? What is WRONG with me?)

The day was mostly meltdown and tantrum free. I say mostly because there is NEVER a day that goes by with a one-year-old and two-year-old that is tantrum-free. There were lots of age-appropriate activities and carny food and overpriced Thomas collectibles. But the arm and a leg that we spent on the tickets, souvenirs, and food was worth every penny.

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Even Ella had fun. “Look Mommy! I’m going to put all these little pieces of germ covered Thomas paraphernalia in my mouth and work on building my immunity.”

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The only thorn in my side about our Day Out With Thomas experience was that I was not in charge of taking pictures and therefore I don’t have a decent picture of Carson with Thomas. In case you were wondering, the “photographer” in charge was the only other adult in my immediate family. *HUFF*

Why didn’t the ”photographer” get THOMAS in the freaking picture WITH Carson??? Isn’t that the POINT of having your picture made WITH Thomas??? Who would take such a DUMB picture! *HUFF!!!*

Next year, when we go back, I’ll try not to tear up AND I’ll be the photographer (hopefully with my new camera.) (Camera details coming tomorrow…I hope.)

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10 Ways to pass the time with your kids while you’re trying to keep from being online

Written on June 26, 2008 by Jennifer in blogging, confession, my stream of consciousness, Pictures, Quirky Me

After my post last week where we all fessed up to our serious Internet addictions, I’ve decided to help you in your effort to GET OFF THE COMPUTER and spend more time with your children.

I know my children would benefit from the attention. *ahem*

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Enjoying some dirt while mommy checks her email for the 20 billionth time.

First of all in order for you to actually DO any of the things on the list you’ll need to prepare. You’ll want to get one last fix so start by looking at your email ONE more time, checking your stats ONE more time, reading those last few twitters and then *gasp* SHUTTING DOWN the computer. Simply putting it in sleep mode or shutting the laptop isn’t going to cut it…you already KNOW that you will peek and get sucked right.back.in. Now. Once it’s turned off, put the power cord in a really hard to reach place, like in that ridiculous cabinet over your refrigerator or have a trusted neighbor babysit it.

The power cord suggestion may seem a little much, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

“So what am I supposed to DO without Internet access?” you moan. Here are a few ideas!

1. Bake! Cookies, brownies, whatever. No, this doesn’t help with losing any extra pounds, but is sitting on your ass twittering really helping? I didn’t think so.

2. Water Balloons! Sure the throwing of water balloons between siblings will cause World War III, but think of it this way…all that arguing is killing time. Be sure to do this OUTSIDE. That’s the place on the other side of the door where the sun shines and it’s hot.

3. McDonalds Playplace/ Chick Fil-A Play area! The great thing about this suggestion is that it’s really a two-for-one outing because within a week after letting your kids play at a place like this, you’ll be leaving the house again to take them to the pediatrician when they come down with some terrible malady.

4. Library! This place is so awesome! They let you borrow books for –get this–FREE. That’s right! FREE! (Also they have time-limited Internet access there.) (Yes, I’m an enabler in your attempt to break your addicion.)

5. Crafts! You’ll be cleaning up glitter and wiping crayon marks off the walls and cutting glue out of your carpets for MONTHS to come. Think of all the time you WON’T be stumbling and commenting!

6. Clean the house as a family! See above. (Vacuuming also drowns out crying.)

7. Use your navigation system to go on adventures! This suggestion will sadly use entirely too much gas because you are certain to get lost, but think of the adventure! For extra educational value, have your navigation system speak in a foreign language, I especially enjoy British English. VERY foreign.

8. Play Hide and Seek! You hide in the bathroom (door locked) with some ice cream, OKAY, WINE and have the kids try and find you. (iPods can drown out the crying in this scenario.)

9. Take lots of pictures and video! Let your kids ham it up! What a great way for YOU to come up with even more fodder for the ol’ blog. (Me=Enabler)

10. Go take a walk to get your power cord back from your neighbor! You’ve earned it with all this “family enrichment” crap. You can even make it a FAMILY activity to go retrieve your power cord. Win-win situation!

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Fess up to your wee Internet addiction

Written on June 20, 2008 by Jennifer in confession, haiku friday

The laptop’s open
all day. I check my email
and listen for *dings*

Sitting there, I tell
myself, only ten minutes
One hour passes

It’s time to let it all hang out folks. I’m going to tell you my deepest, darkest secret (well, technically I already did in the haiku, but I have LOTS more to say).

I spend way too much time during my days online. I try, really I do, to limit my time online. Some days, like the days I’m not at home and absolutely have NO ACCESS to my computer, I am able to curb my time online.

But then…then there are the days we don’t have any plans. And I tell myself to just shut off the computer. But I don’t, of course I DON’T. Instead, I will leave the laptop open and watch as emails come in and listen for the twhirl dings and answer emails and reply to tweets and click tinyurls, and see something shiny in someone’s comments section, and discover a new blog crush, stumble a post (or twenty) and get another few emails, and answer them and suddenly it’s an hour (or more**shhhhh**) later. My kids are usually right there, it’s not like they’re running around naked, hanging from the ceiling fans (but that’s only because they can’t undress themselves and we have vaulted ceilings.) Laundry stays in the washer, dishes remain in the sink covered in drying Rice Crispies, eventually impossible to clean, and my floors stay unswept.

It’s bad. The thing is, though, I really, really, really enjoy replying to emails. I love checking out the links on twitter. I LOVE all my precious online endeavors.

In my defense, I do spend a lot of time with my kids. We go places, we go for walks, we have playdates, we play with play-doh, we have picnics. I just feel a little guilty for letting them fend for themselves some of the time, even though I don’t believe I have to entertain and feed their spongy brains every waking minute. But still.

How much time do you spend online and how does it affect your daily tasks? I’m especially curious about those of you who work at jobs and manage to do your Internet activities at work. Well, to be honest, I’m also especially curious about those of you who stay home like me and ignore your children balance your Internet time with the demands of your kiddos.

FESS UP.

I feel the urge to remind people of my comment policy…

To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:
1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.

2. Sign the Mister Linky below with your name and the link to your haiku post (the specific post URL, not your generic blog URL). We will delete your link if it doesn’t go to a haiku. If you need help with this, contact Christina or myself. REMEMBER…ONLY sign Mr. Linky if you have a HAIKU POST. Seriously.

3. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button above.

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Very Superstitious

Written on June 19, 2008 by Jennifer in confession, Quirky Me

I fully admit to being sassy, self-centered, bossy, opinionated, and quirky.

Go ahead and add superstitious to the list of adjectives and you have a fairly complete picture of me on any given day.

I’m one of those people who whenever I hear of another’s tragedy, I think to myself, “That could be me.” I feel like if I can imagine myself in the tragedy, then it WON’T happen to me. It seems like whenever you hear about something awful happening, the victim says “I never thought something like this would happen to me,” so by thinking it COULD happen to me is like some sort of bubble barrier against the big, bad, scary world.

I knock on wood. A LOT.

On our wedding day, I refused to let Tate see me before the wedding. I know lots of couples have pictures taken before the wedding for convenience or because they have to vacate the church/synagogue/hall right after the wedding. I would have MOVED the location of my wedding if I would have had to see Tate before the wedding.

We got married at 4:30 in the afternoon on the UPswing of the clock. I didn’t want to start our life together on the DOWNswing of the clock’s hands.

It occurs to me when I’m walking on a sidewalk that I should avoid the cracks. I mean, I don’t want a broken back since I’m a MOTHER now you know.

I would never purposely open an umbrella in a house, nor would I ever walk under a ladder. That’s just ASKING for trouble.

If I see a penny? I pick it up!! And all day long? I have good luck!

There are superstitions that to me are just plain silly (unlike those above because THOSE!, those are NECESSARY.) I don’t eat black-eyed peas for luck on New Year’s Eve because, EWWWW! I don’t believe that not sending chain letters or those RIDICULOUS chain emails will bring me bad luck. Friday the 13th doesn’t scare me, neither do black cats.

What are you superstitious about?

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