So I think we’ve established two things.

1.  We all pee our pants.
2.  Kegels?  Huh?  We don’t really know how to do them.

Sarah at Ordinary Days, and fellow Indiana blogger, had a fine idea to have a kegel karnival.  Maybe this will get us motivated! Go check it out and add your story! 

Since many of us don’t even know how to do a kegel, I did a little research. For the betterment of all womankind, I’d like to offer you the following hoo-hatorial.  I will not be checking to make sure you read and followed these instructions, just so you know. I mean, I like you, but I don’t like you THAT much. Ew.  If you want to continue peeing yourself, be my guest.

I’ve also decided to include my personal thoughts on these instructions, in the form of parenthetical references and italics!  Enjoy!

1. Find your PC muscle. (PC stands for Pnvboehifhaihiheifh) Your PC muscle is the one that stops your tinkle. So to find it, tinkle a bit then make it stop. That’s your PC muscle.

You can also, uh, well, stick your finger…(Nevermind.  I’m SO not going there.) If you’re interested go to this link.

2. (Phew. Found the PC muscle, am I done? No? Damn.)  Squeeze your PC muscles as hard as you can.  (I can’t?)  Squeeze for 3-5 seconds. (Riiiiiiight.  That’s like a freaking eternity with these worn out muscles!)

3.  Now it’s time for reps.  (Reps??  Are you facking kidding me???)  Start with five reps.  Squeeze, hold 3-5 seconds, release. 

4.  Once you’re able to do this, work up to more repetitions and to holding each for longer.  (Super hoo-ha , here I come!)  You want to work up to 10 seconds. (10 seconds???  With my hoo-ha muscles???  Seriously, is that even possible????)

5.  Do your kegels 3-4 times per day.  (I’m going to do this the next time I’m I’Ming with Megan or talking on the phone with Heather.  Hiiiiiii!  I’m doing my hoo-ha reps RIGHT NOW!)

I hope for your sake that you’ve just spent these past few seconds aquainting yourself with your hoo-ha muscles.  Kegels can be done anywhere, anytime.  Nobody has to know that you’re doing them, although the very serious look of concentration and the counting might give it away.  Just sayin’.  Now go practice and tell your story, then link it….HERE!

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On a completely unrelated note, catch the BOOBs tonight on BlogTalkRadio at 8:30 Eastern time as we discuss mommyblogging and branding.  Pleeeeaaaaassssse call in while practicing your kegels.  Pleeeeeaaaaassse.

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We’re all friends here, right?  I’m just going to go ahead and lay it all out for you.  Due to a cough that won’t just won’t. facking. go. away, I’ve realized that I’m incontinent.  Since Amy (Amalah) (whom I adore and would secretly like to marry if it weren’t for those pesky polygamy and same-sex marriage restrictions) wrote about peeing her pants, like totally PEEING HER PANTS, I feel like I can now tell you of my plight.

Her post made me feel validated.  I pee MY pants, too!

Her post was about when she peed her pants when she was over 30 weeks pregnant, which alone is reason enough to pee your pants.  So MY peeing my pants when I’m not even 1 day pregnant, just 11 months post birth, is pitiful.  And gross.

It all started a few weeks ago when I came down with a cold, courtesy of my germ schmeared children.  The cold started out in my head, then it moved to my chest, thus beginning bouts with nearly gag-inducing coughing fits.  Each time I cough, I pee.  Cough, pee.  Cough some more, pee some more.  Cough, cough, cough, pee, pee, pee.  Sometimes it’s just a little pee, other times it’s not just a little pee. 

I try, oh do I try, to keep from peeing myself.  Whenever I start to cough, I contort my body and legs in such a way to hopefully make up for the obvious lack of musculature DOWN THERE.  Even my contortionist attempts aren’t working, though.  If I know I’m going to cough, I stand up so that I don’t pee all over the couch or where ever I happen to have planted my ass.  In the past several weeks, I’ve changed my underwear more times each day than I change Carson’s diapers.   

Am I really telling you all this?

I’ve consulted my trusty family physician (Google again) and she tells me that I should be doing kegels or that I have a bladder infection and will probably die a horribly painful, drawn-out death characterized by wiry nipple hair, tumor-like zits, and impotence at the hands of evil bladder bacteria.*   So DAMN, either way I’m screwed.  A painful death or more exercise, I don’t know which is worse.  It’s not as if I even have time to fit more exercise into my already very full days.   I mean, seriously, I have two very huge thighs and a pillowy gut that need prompt attention and can’t fit any exercise into my day.   Adding kegels to my “workout routine” falls in the “unlikely as hell” category.

I did really tell you this.  **head shakes in disbelief**  Validation, people.  Validation.

*slight exaggeration.

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Tags: I am woman, Quirky Me, my hawt body by Jennifer
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The curse has returned
Gone nearly three years with just
one Aunt Flo visit

Men.  This is your cue to leave promptly.  Quietly shut your browser and pretend you were never here.  Please return again tomorrow when I promise to talk about something ELSE like boobies or trucks.

So hello ladies!  It’s just us today, feel free to look around and note how CLEAN and tidy and sock-free everything is.  The counters are wiped and you have control of the remote. 

When I went to bathroom earlier in the week, I noticed something on my undies. 

“Huh?” I thought to myself.  “What in THE hell IS that?” 

It took a minute, but I finally came to my senses and realized, “Oh yes.  It’s THAT.” 

I wondered if I even had any feminine hygiene products in the house, but then remembered to my horror that my movers had packed and moved them in a box labeled “WOMEN’S PADS.”

So I retrieved one of my WOMEN’S PADS and set off to spread the word to Tate and explain to him why I had been picking fights and acting even more passive aggressive with him than normal for the previous week.

He looked at me, squinting and crinkling his nose.  I assumed that he was going to make my need to wear WOMEN’S PADS all about him and his needs. (gag)  Instead he was confused. 

“Is that even possible?” he asked.

Since the arrival had also surprised me, I decided to forgo the lesson on menstruation and wimmins for Tate.  Rather, I explained that yes, indeedio, it was possible.

“Well, I KNOW that it’s POSSIBLE, but I didn’t think IT would happen with the IUD,” to which I realized Tate had a point.  I didn’t think I’d need WOMEN’S PADS with the IUD. 

Of course I contacted my trusty family doctor **Google** and she explained that 20% of women did in fact have NO need for WOMEN’S PADS while the rest of us get to entertain an unwanted visitor every month. 

This is one of those times in my life that I really, really, really wish that I was less than average.

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To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:

1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.

2. Sign the Mister Linky below with your name and the link to your haiku post (the specific post URL, not your generic blog URL). We will delete your link if it doesn’t go to a haiku. If you need help with this, contact Christina or myself. REMEMBER…ONLY sign Mr. Linky if you have a HAIKU POST.

3. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button above.

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Have you seen Suave’s advertising campaign geared toward Moms?

Since I’m thrifty (it sounds better than cheap), I’ve used Suave shampoo and conditioner for many years. On my most recent conditioner purchase, this is what was written on the back of the bottle:

“Every mom can ride the bus to beautiful.

Instructions:
*Get kids safely to school and retreat to shower. For best results, use with Suave Volumizing Shampoo and Volumizing Foam before your grown-up playdate.
*Apply conditioner and leave on for 3 minutes. Use the time to plan an outfit that does not involve an elastic waitstband.
*And while you’re at it, do something else just for you - like pick up a big foamy latte or restock your lingerie drawer. Fully. With the likes of things that drawer has never seen.”

Advertisers realizing that we want more out of life than quick-fix meals and coupons!?! On Suave’s website, they provide several interesting factoids about how mothers devote very little time to themselves. For example, did you know that on average, women devote 87.9 minutes to meals and 4.2 minutes to their hair? I think this type of marketing to mothers is genius. The fact that Suave hasn’t forgotten that although Moms spend the majority of their time tending to others’ needs, we are also women, who enjoy and deserve to be pampered. Reading this bottle of conditioner left me cheering. Apparently, I’m not the only one.

According to a USA Today article, this type of marketing has boosted Suave’s sales, which were up 3% at the end of August. Like the Dove ads which featured women of all shapes and sizes, advertisers seem to have found a niche with women and mothers. I love that they see us as people with buying power, and as women who want to feel beautiful.

Maybe it’s a bit simplistic to think that simply washing my hair with a Suave shampoo is going to help the women in me come out, especially since I spend the vast majority of my days covered in spit-up. However, the fact that this ad campaign speaks to the fact that I deserve more than daily laundry and tantrum control, leaves me wanting to hi-five the ad executives who realized this often overlooked fact. Since hi-fives are unlikely, I’ll just continue to buy my Suave Sleek Shampoo, Conditioner, and Smoothing Liqui-Gel.

By the way, this is NOT a product review. I’m just so delighted by their ad campaign that I couldn’t resist writing about it.

Source, Source, Source

Technorati Tags: Suave, Marketing to Women, Marketing to mothers, Consumer Review

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