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Classic parenting dilemma, now with fewer curse words

Written on October 30, 2008 by Jennifer in kitchens are no place for playgroupies, Little Monkeys

If you like spewing your superior parenting practices, THIS! is the post for you! Keep reading!

We are having mealtime issues. Possibly I should say Carson is having mealtime issues, as in: He never eats. Possibly I should say I am having mealtime issues because my son doesn’t eat the meals I lovingly prepare and toil over. Oh and they’re the meal he specifically asked for.

Here’s how a typical day goes down.

“Carson would you like waffles or cereal for breakfast?”

Note how I offered him two choices, rather than just saying “What do you want for breakfast.” This should count for some points in my favor as far as good parenting is concerned. I’m just sayin’.

“Waffles! Blueberry waffles!” he says, so convincingly that I’m certain that despite past behavior, TODAY he’s actually going to eat those gosh darn waffles!

Note that I’m aware of the definition of insanity…”doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Um. Yeah.

Once the waffles are served, Carson REFUSES TO EAT THE GOSH DARN WAFFLES *spoken thru clenched teeth, with a firm scowl*. Sonuvabitch.

I calmly (yeah, right) explain to Carson that this is breakfast and if he chooses not to eat, that’s fine, but there will be nothing else to eat until lunch time.

Twenty DAMN minutes after breakfast, he starts begging for a snack and continues to beg until lunchtime when I serve him his requested lunch of PB&J and peaches.

Which he doesn’t eat. Instead he drinks his milk, in one giant gulp and pronounces lunchtime over.

Twenty DAMN minutes after lunch, he starts the snack begging AGAIN.

Dinner: see also Breakfast and Lunch.

I KNOW that he’s not going to starve and that he’ll eat when he’s hungry. I also know that he’s filling up on milk and then not feeling hungry, so I’ve already banned liquids from mealtimes. I’ve also considered just putting his breakfast/lunch/dinner in the fridge and giving that to him when he asks for a snack.

I’m torn as to whether I should continue to be firm in not giving him a snack when he hasn’t eaten even one bite of his meal, or giving him his uneaten meal as a snack, not letting him drink milk with his meal, or if I should lock my doors and wait for Child Services to come a-knockin’.

Also, I’m trying really, really hard not to let this be a power struggle. But FRICKITY FRACK, I’m not his personal restaurant and he cannot survive on milk and snacks alone! Certainly Dr. Sears or Dr. Brazelton or Dr. Whothefrickever wouldn’t approve of a diet rich in milk and John Deere fruit snacks.

Help?

Put on your best assvice thinking caps and let your vast parenting knowledge flow. Carson’s future depends on it.

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I’m thinking of a word that rhymes with “cluck”

Written on October 27, 2008 by Jennifer in kitchens are no place for playgroupies, Quirky Me, Randomness

Photo credit

One of the things I pride myself on is my ability to cook. In fact, I’m a pretty darn good cook if I do say so myself. Where I lack in fashion sensibilities and the ability to decorate a home, I make up for in my cooking abilities.

I make a mean Tortellini with spinach walnut pesto. Just ask me.

There is one MAJORLY GLARING exception to my cooking prowess, however.

I cannot cook chicken to save my life.

Being thrifty, I often buy whole chickens or chicken thighs at the grocery store. (Which, by the way, I miss Meijer so much, it’s physically painful to even think about.) I don’t know why I keep torturing myself, though, because COME ON! I should just spend the extra money to buy the pot roast or pork tenderloin instead of causing myself immense amounts of stress related trauma due to utter inability to cook chicken.

I follow all the recipes I’ve read on the proper ways to cook chicken. I mean, I DO know how to read. NEVER is it done when it’s supposed to be done, though. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever! It’s always that pinkish gray color and when I cut into it to see on the off chance that it’s done, it’s always a bloody. And then I’m so grossed out, I pass out on the kitchen floor and start convulsing.

The first time AND LAST TIME I attempted to cook fried chicken, it was RAW with a lovely, perfectly browned crust. I was so pissed, I almost left on a jet plane to hunt Emeril down, because it was HIS cookbook’s fault that my much toiled over fried chicken was RAW.

Not only do I have trouble with chicken on a bone, I cannot cook boneless, skinless chicken breasts without making them taste like a tire.

Needless to say, this is causing me a lot of undue stress.

Am I the only one who can’t cook chicken? Will I ever learn? Am I doomed to serve RAW chicken for the remainder of my life?

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Pudding rewards

Written on August 25, 2008 by Jennifer in confession, kitchens are no place for playgroupies, Little Monkeys, Mommydom, Pictures

I KNOW that the “experts” say we shouldn’t reward our children with food. They’ll end up with messed up ways of thinking about food and eventually be morbidly obese and probably prematurely bald or something.

So in the interest of following the advice of “experts” and not royally screwing him up, I didn’t actually reward Carson’s surprisingly AWESOME school behavior with pudding. Rather, I rewarded him with MAKING pudding. That’s totally different.

Any kids that sits in circle time AND sings AND likes it, totally deserves some pudding. I mean, they deserve to MAKE some pudding.

Poor Carson with the cheap Mommy. Maybe someday I’ll make enough off my ads to by real Nilla Wafers.

Now if I can just get him to wait until after dinner to eat it…then the pudding would be dessert and NOT a reward! TOTALLY. DIFFERENT.

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Rachael Ray lied to me. Also, my cilantro rant.

Written on July 25, 2008 by Jennifer in Go Fly a Kite, haiku friday, kitchens are no place for playgroupies

Thirty minutes, Rach?
Let’s try FIFTY instead, k?
It was still yummy

Last Christmas I received the magazine, Everyday with Rachael Ray, as a gift. Now I realize that there’s a lot of hate in this world directed at Rachael, which if you ask me (and you didn’t but this is my blog so HA!), I think it’s silly. Sure she’s a little too perky and animated and I swear if she throws salt over her shoulder or says EVOO ONE MORE TIME, I may have to charge my TV and squish her head. But overall she’s just a seemingly genuine, sweet gal with a few annoying tendencies.

Her magazine freaking rocks, though. I have made many a recipe from her magazine and they are all SO GREAT. Last night I made Corn and Salsa Tortilla Soup from the 30 minute section of her magazine.

Rachael flat out LIED to me. It took me fifty minutes, not the promised thirty, to make this dish. There was lots of poblano pepper blackening, corn tortilla baking, cutting kernels off fresh corn cobs….had I blessed with a sous chef, I could’ve whipped that recipe up no problemo. But one little person (me) endlessly chopping with three little children running circles around my feet and whining (Tate, Carson, and Ella), made the thirty minute preparation IMPOSSIBLE.

Luckily for Rachael, the Corn and Salsa Tortilla Soup was mmm, mmm, mmm delicioso*. (*phrase courtesy of Dora’s backpack!) (Swiper no swiping my delicioso soup.)

Now onto my cilantro rant. There are two types of people in this world, those that like cilantro (Goooo cilantro luvahs!!!) and those who don’t (BOOO!!!) Frankly, those of you who don’t like cilantro can suck an egg. I DON’T GET how you cannot enjoy the yummy freshness cilantro adds, especially to a spicy or tomato-ey dish.

Cilantro fans unite! Rise in protest against our enemies! Let’s put an end to all these weirdo cilantro haters (BOO!).

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Duck! Here Come the Bullets!! Version 2 y.o.

Written on October 29, 2007 by Jennifer in kitchens are no place for playgroupies, Pictures, Randomness

For those of us busy moms on the go, here is a brief synopsis of several posts in my head presented in handy and convenient bulleted list form.

Yesterday’s photo montage has been taken down since every time I tried to watch it, my computer would lock up. So sorry if it caused you the same hassle.
Speaking of yesterday’s post, I tried and tried to write a sentimental letter for Carson, but I kept focusing on his colicky start to life and writing sentences like “I’d have given you away if a nice couple had by happenstance, knocked on our door and offered to give you a loving home.”
Carson’s party went off fabulously, the only spill was my own. My kitchen floor has yet to be mopped, which MUST happen rather soon or it’s possible our feet could become permanently affixed to the lemonade covered floor.
Carson chose the day of his party to lay off the incessant whining of which he’s suddenly become the resident expert. All party attendees should be eternally grateful. I for one, am eternally grateful for this unexpected day of respite from his whining. On Friday he whined so much while I was failing at decorating his baseball cupcakes, I had to put him in his room for his own safety.
His excitement for the Thomas the Train videos that he received courtesy of The Queen of Shake-Shake, by far surpassed the excitement of any gift Tate or I gave him. He rejected the Hi-5 video with disdain, was befuddled by the Mr. Potato Head, and rode his 4 wheeler for all of 2 minutes.
Baked beans could very well end up being the catalyst for beginning marriage counseling. I was heard saying this sentence on Saturday, “Yes, Tate, they are delicious, but nobody should eat that many baked beans at one sitting. If you eat all of those, you’ll be sleeping on the couch.” Check out my recipe blog for the recipe. They really are great, but should be eaten in small doses that can be managed effectively in your body.
Have I mentioned I got a new camera? No? That’s odd, I’m sure I’d mentioned it since I love it so freaking much…Anyway enjoy a few pics from this weekend. And yes, Janet, I do have a few pictures of Ella, but sadly far fewer than I have of Carson.

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Well if You Didn’t Have Ovaltine, What Did You Have?

Written on September 20, 2007 by Jennifer in kitchens are no place for playgroupies, Quirky Me

Fine! I’ve been bitch-slapped by all of you. Whatever. I don’t care.

When I’m wrong, I’ll admit I’m wrong. It shocks me that only a few of you drank Ovaltine. Most of your comments cracked me up, some of them left me scratching my head, and others made me roll my eyes.

All this Ovaltine talk made me thirsty, hungry, and thinking about foods from my childhood. When I was growing up, the most uncool thing you could do was to buy your lunch at school. One exception to this rule was pizza day. Then and ONLY THEN was it acceptable to buy lunch. The rest of the time, you brought your lunch from home. In the early days of elementary school, you brought your lunch in a rad lunchbox (me, I had a Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox). Later on, like in 6th grade, it was only cool to bring your lunch in a paper sack.

My favorite things to bring for lunch were peanut butter and jelly with tortilla chips. I also had a list of snacks that I loved, none of them particularly healthy. (Healthy snacks like apples or bananas were also terribly uncool.)

1. Kudos “Granola” Bars in Cookies and Cream Flavor. I use the term “Granola” very loosely in this context, as there was more chocolate and cookies and cream flavor than actual granola.
2. Fruit Snacks, preferably Farley Fruit Snacks in Strawberry Flavor. All other fruit snacks are inferior, but this Farley Brand is quite difficult to find. Even to this day, if I see Strawberry Farley Fruit Snacks, I’ll buy several boxes and eat them by myself. (I’m not a good sharer.)
3. Fruit Roll-ups. This was in the days before Fruit Roll-ups had cut-out shapes, which I feel really screws up the enjoyment that is eating a Fruit Roll-up.
4. Fruit Leather, specifically Grape Flavor. They are similar to Fruit Roll-ups, but are far superior. I could take hours to eat just one, taking time to savor each bite. These are also hard to find, but again, when I do, I buy several and eat them by myself.
5. Capri Suns in any flavor. These were the most delicious drink ever when I was a kid. They never had enough in one and I always needed like four to quench my thirst, which pissed my Mom off since they were so expensive. Hi-C and those little cheap barrel drinks were pretty good, too, but couldn’t compare to the coveted Capri Sun.
6. Ho-ho’s (not to be confused with Swiss Cake Rolls). I loved to peel the chocolate off the Ho-ho then unroll it, eating the icing, and finally the moist, delicious cake.
7. Hostess Cupcakes. Everybody loves these, please tell me that I’m not wrong about this, too!

I also loved (and still love) grape Hubba Bubba Gum, watermelon Jolly Ranchers, red Tootsie Roll pops, Skor candy bars, Frozen Snickers bars, Kit-Kats, and 100 Grand Candy Bars.

Carson has not yet had any of the aforementioned goodies (except fruit snacks). I wonder if these snacks will still be cooler than apples and bananas when he’s in school.

So what snacks did you eat as a kid? Do your kids eat those same snacks?

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Speaking of all this junk food, check out my recipe blog for a spectacular brownie recipe submitted by Anna from Hank & Willie.

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New! Recipe Blog! Site Launch!

Written on September 9, 2007 by Jennifer in kitchens are no place for playgroupies

I’ve started a recipe blog. Per your interest in my baseball meat, I decided it would be a fun way to share some of my own recipes ~~and some stolen from various sources~~.

It’s called Kitchen Are No Place For Playgroupies. Cute, right?

Since Tulip Mom was one of the people interested in my recipes, and she’s PREGNANT!!! and craving Mexican, I’ve posted my Chicken Fajita Recipe over there.

I have no idea how often I’ll post over there, maybe 20 times a day, maybe once a month. If you have a recipe you’d like to have posted, let me know! You can email me at playgroupie at gmail dot com.

Come visit, if you’d like! No pressure or anything. I’ll just be sitting and hitting refresh over and over and over ’til I get some visitors.

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