my stream of consciousness | Playgroups are No Place For Children

Category Archives: my stream of consciousness

New Normal

Written on October 7, 2008 by Jennifer in my stream of consciousness, tennessee

Less than three weeks ago I didn’t know that moving my family was even a possibility, but here we are, living in Tennessee.

It’s very surreal.

Tate’s company has put us up in a nice three bedroom house with a deck and a yard. We are nestled amongst million dollar homes that overlook the lake, though our house is definitely NOT of the million dollar variety. I’m grateful that we’re not living in an apartment and that we are living rent free until we purchase a home. However, this nice three bedroom house is in an area inhabited mostly by retirees and is a good 30-45 minutes from shopping and CIVILIZATION.

I’m having a lot of trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that my family and I no longer live in Indiana, but instead I live in amongst retirees in Tennessee.

Since finding out just under three weeks ago about our impending move, my mind has been occupied with the endless details of moving. I hadn’t allowed myself to think about what it would be like to LIVE again, in the new normal we have to carve out for our family.

My inlaws, who should be sainted or knighted or something, had spent the past week helping me prepare and move. Without them I don’t think that I could have coped with packing my children’s toys and clothes and driving away from our home in Indiana. They left to return home yesterday and all day I felt this huge black emptiness. Way out in retirement land with nary a park or a FRIEND nearby, I feel lonely and isolated.

Frankly, the new normal sucks.

Bitterness about this move continues to creep into my thoughts. I feel so angry that we are having to find our normal again, after having just found it. Living in temporary housing, using someone else’s dishes and pots, sleeping in someone else’s bed, showering in someone else’s (carpeted…ew!) bathroom is not what I had in mind for a normal life.

I realize it’s only been ONE day on the quest for normal. Tate told me last night that despite my assertion over and over that I WOULD be in a HOME by Thanksgiving, there would be no way for us to close on a house anytime before mid-December. We are at the mercy of our relocation company whose timeline is not the same as ours.

It has to get better, I know. But when?

**********

I apologize for yet another post about moving, heavy on the whining, light on the funny. Soon I hope to get my funny back. If you’re lucky, I’ll post some pictures of the horrifying lovely floral decor in our temporary house. Because, um, WOW.

66 Comments - Leave a comment!

Barely breathing

Written on September 23, 2008 by Jennifer in hole-y matrimony, Huh?, Indiana, my stream of consciousness, tennessee

I’ve been trying to write these words for days and haven’t been able to form my muddled and numb thoughts into sentences. In a very short amount of time, my life has been completely turned upside down. I vacillate between intense woeful crying jags to sheer, bitter rage where I want to hit someone.

Tate has been transferred AGAIN.

We are moving to Tennessee.

I feel bitterly angry that I allowed myself to finally feel at home someplace. In the ten years that I have been with Tate, we have moved at every request of the company. For me, I moved begrudgingly and suspiciously and have watched over my shoulder and held my breath waiting for his company to call with our next move.

This time, though, I allowed myself to dream what it would be like to raise my children here, in THIS place. I allowed myself to breathe after ten years. I immersed ourselves into this town and embraced all it had to offer. We have made friends and we have made plans. We have made a life and a home here in Indiana. Never once had it occurred to me that I shouldn’t root myself and branch out and allow myself that hope of home.

I feel bruised and numb all at the same time.

Right now I have no desire to write. My mind swirls with nothing except relocation companies, mortgages, real estate, and moving vans. I don’t know if I’m taking a blogging hiatus for awhile or if the desire to write will return as I digest and stew on this information. If you’ve recently emailed me, I will reply sometime. I’m purposely ignoring my inbox because I simply do not have the power to think past myself and my family right now.

At least if we have to move, it’s to beautiful Tennessee and luckily we already root for the right team.

And you want to know something funny? I just got my Indiana driver’s license last week. I’m supposed to pick up my Indiana license plate tomorrow. [insert maniacal laughter and tears]

148 Comments - Leave a comment!

I don’t have a title, okay?

Written on September 3, 2008 by Jennifer in confession, Go Fly a Kite, hole-y matrimony, Little Monkeys, Mommydom, my stream of consciousness

I can hear him screaming over the monitor. Angrily I roll over to check the time on the clock. 5:48. Seething, I get out of bed, forgetting to stop and pee and march upstairs in the dark to his room.

I don’t know if I can do this again today.

“Mommy!” he screams. “Please don’t leave. Sit right here on the floor, beside me,” he pleads after I tell him that it’s not 7:00 yet and that Mommy is very, very tired and want to go back to bed.

I sit down wearily beside his crib, cursing inside. I wonder if he’s truly scared or if he’s just manipulating me. Also, I have to pee.

I promise him that I’m just leaving for a moment so that I can pee. “I’ll leave your door open. I’m just going right across the hall to the bathroom.” He starts to scream as I leave.

I turn to him and in my angriest voice, which surprises even me, I tell him to shut up and that I’ll be right back.

I only feel slightly bad that I told him to shut up. I hope he didn’t notice.

After he’s finally settled I go back to sleep for what seems like ten seconds, but rather it’s about 40 minutes. 6:58 is what I see on the clock as I hear Carson screaming for me again. Just to spite him, I want to let him scream for two more minutes until 7:00. Or to spite him, I want to go up to his room and scream at him to please just shut up and wait for f*cking 7:00.

I go in, scoop him out of his crib, saying nothing. The day begins.

*******

I look around the kitchen and notice the crumbs and fruit flies. My floor looks as if I haven’t swept or mopped since ever, despite having done both just two days prior.

There is a pile of dirty dish towels, in desperate need of washing and smelling like spoiled milk.

My washing machine is broken, full of water and wet towels.

*******

“Uh oh!” Ella squeals as she tosses her sippy cup, full of milk over the edge of her chair.

The cup is no longer full of milk.

It’s empty, the white milk in a puddle on the floor. Splashes of white milk dot the cupboards.

It doesn’t matter. The floor is already dirty.

*******

“You don’t even like me anymore. I can’t even joke around with you anymore.” In one respect, I hear Tate’s words and I feel badly that he could even think this. Of COURSE I like him. Of COURSE he can joke around with me, but after days of little sleep and constant battles, I need adult interaction. I need HIM to listen to ME.

Immediately his words make my heart harden and I feel my face redden with anger. “How dare he,” I think silently to myself. “All I do every minute of everyday is GIVE. What about me? What about thinking of MY feelings.” I say nothing.

*******

Ella is almost walking. She takes two or three hesitant steps, her arms out in front of her body for balance before she falls on her bottom. Over and over she stands up and tries again.

I smile at her and want nothing more than to swoop her up and feel her soft skin against my face and smother her sweet little neck with kisses.

In an instant I can go from feeling such rage to giggling in spite of myself.

*******

He asks if I need a break, just to get away. “Go for a walk,” he tells me. I can hear the annoyance in his voice and I want to shout back at him, “you have NO idea what it’s like to be home everyday with these kids. I do EVERYTHING for them. You have NO idea.”

I do need a break. I do want to get away.

NO. I want to RUN away.

“It’s too hot to go for a walk,” I say instead.

********

I consider not hitting publish.

But I do it anyway.

(Haven’t I written this post about a hundred times before?)

132 Comments - Leave a comment!

Tell me she’s not talking about her crotch again

Written on August 29, 2008 by Jennifer in Ask Teh Internets, confession, I am woman, my stream of consciousness, Quirky Me

This situation of which I’m going to describe is PURELY hypothetical. Not one ounce of truth to it, no siree. None whatsoever. *fingers crossed behind my back*

So tell me, what would you do if, say, you were on a walk with your (two) kids in an adjoining neighborhood and you suddenly had the most terrible, all-consuming itch.

The itch is in the upper crotch region, not to be confused with the lower crotch region-which obviously if you’re itching “down there” you might want to see a DOCTOR.

Anyway, this upper crotch region itch is a really, really itchy itch. It itches so much you can barely walk. It itches so much you feel like if you don’t scratch it, you’ll lose your mind.

Keep this in mind, you’re not in your neighborhood. It’s highly unlikely that you’ll see anyone you know. Even if you did see someone, most likely you’d never see them again. Also, it’s early in the morning, but not so early that there are lots of people driving by heading for work, kids have already left for school. Basically, it looks as if nobody even knows you’re there.

But also keep in mind the fact that it’s your CROTCH that itches and to scratch it looks incredibly nasty to the average Joe who happens to witness such an act.

Do you get in there and scratch away, right there on the street, trying to act like nothing’s amiss as you attempt to continue pushing your double stroller while getting after that itch?

Or do you suck it up and continue walking while thinking non-itchy and non-scratchy thoughts?

WHAT do you DO????

I’m just curious in case this ever happens to me. Also, I’m just collecting this information for a book I’m writing on survival skills in the suburbs. Um. Yeah.

74 Comments - Leave a comment!

GoNads

Written on August 28, 2008 by Jennifer in Indiana, Life in LA, my stream of consciousness, Randomness

When we lived in Alabama, we were not friends with any of our neighbors. There were no evening chats in the middle of the street, no neighborhood parties, no anything even remotely neighborly.

My new neighborhood here in Indiana is the POLAR opposite. Everyone talks to each other (except one family and they don’t talk to anyone), we have neighborhood parties, and we all are always just, well…NEIGHBORLY. It’s exactly what I wanted in a neighborhood, down to the ability to walk next door to grab a cup of flour or have the neighbor across the street offer to take my kids when I have to go to the doctor.

Though wonderful, it can be a little overwhelming at times, to say the least.

Partly because we live on a virtual postage stamp and partly because there are lots of kids in the neighborhood, there is NO privacy. There have been times I just want to go outside, watch the kids play, and not talk to anyone. Instead of peace and quiet, I’ve had a two hour conversation with one of the neighbors while the kids run around screaming. Other times, I’ve had to be the bad guy and carry two screaming children home from an impromptu neighborhood get-together with all the kids because it was well past dinner time. Try explaining to a two-year-old and a fifteen-month-old why everyone except them gets to stay outside and play. (Hint: It’s not fun. Lots of screaming is involved.)

I truly love the community where we live. However, it would be nice to be able to control how much community I have to ingest sometimes.

Not being one to just bitch without having a solution, I think I have found the answer. Not only will my idea bring joy and happiness to weary neighbors across the universe yearning for peace and quiet, but it will make me RICH.

It’s called the Go! Neighbor Alert/Deflection System, or GoNADS. It’s very simple, all you need is three colors of fabric, red, green, and yellow. You may recognize the red, green, and yellow colors from when you learned about traffic laws. In case you’re not familiar with this or you’re just plain dumb, let me give you a brief refresher course…

Red means “stop.”

Green means “go.”

Yellow means “be careful, slow down.”

Place your selected flag to alert neighbors of your outside plans on your mailbox or flagpole. As an added bonus, you can also use “flag holding” as a means of punishment for unruly children, making them sit in the driveway holding the flag, for all the neighbors to see.

Now your intentions will be known. When people see a red flag, they’ll know that they need to stay the hell away. A green flag tells your neighbors, “hey! We’re ready to play! Bring some beer when you come!” A yellow flag means, “be careful. I have PMS/my husband is going to be late AGAIN/I’ve been drinking. You may not want to come over right now unless you want me to talk your ear off.”

I’m going to sell these pieces of fabric in a kit, complete with rubber bands! Right now, I’m thinking that $39.99 is a good price for my GoNADS, so I’ll start taking orders now.

Cha-ching.

69 Comments - Leave a comment!

Jazz Hands

Written on August 27, 2008 by Jennifer in Contest, my stream of consciousness, Pictures, playing along, Wordless Wednesday

This picture actually has NOTHING to do with jazz hands, but it is a picture of sun flare and whenever I hear the word “flare” it totally makes me think of “jazz hands.”

I don’t why, OKAY. Humor me, won’t you?

More WW here.

Also! I’m entering this photo in a contest sponsored by See Hear Speak No Evil. Winner gets a $10 gift card to a place of their choice online. The theme this month is “Nature.” Sun-Nature…get it!? Go enter a nature-y picture yourself!

32 Comments - Leave a comment!

10 Ways to pass the time with your kids while you’re trying to keep from being online

Written on June 26, 2008 by Jennifer in blogging, confession, my stream of consciousness, Pictures, Quirky Me

After my post last week where we all fessed up to our serious Internet addictions, I’ve decided to help you in your effort to GET OFF THE COMPUTER and spend more time with your children.

I know my children would benefit from the attention. *ahem*

{picture removed]

Enjoying some dirt while mommy checks her email for the 20 billionth time.

First of all in order for you to actually DO any of the things on the list you’ll need to prepare. You’ll want to get one last fix so start by looking at your email ONE more time, checking your stats ONE more time, reading those last few twitters and then *gasp* SHUTTING DOWN the computer. Simply putting it in sleep mode or shutting the laptop isn’t going to cut it…you already KNOW that you will peek and get sucked right.back.in. Now. Once it’s turned off, put the power cord in a really hard to reach place, like in that ridiculous cabinet over your refrigerator or have a trusted neighbor babysit it.

The power cord suggestion may seem a little much, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

“So what am I supposed to DO without Internet access?” you moan. Here are a few ideas!

1. Bake! Cookies, brownies, whatever. No, this doesn’t help with losing any extra pounds, but is sitting on your ass twittering really helping? I didn’t think so.

2. Water Balloons! Sure the throwing of water balloons between siblings will cause World War III, but think of it this way…all that arguing is killing time. Be sure to do this OUTSIDE. That’s the place on the other side of the door where the sun shines and it’s hot.

3. McDonalds Playplace/ Chick Fil-A Play area! The great thing about this suggestion is that it’s really a two-for-one outing because within a week after letting your kids play at a place like this, you’ll be leaving the house again to take them to the pediatrician when they come down with some terrible malady.

4. Library! This place is so awesome! They let you borrow books for –get this–FREE. That’s right! FREE! (Also they have time-limited Internet access there.) (Yes, I’m an enabler in your attempt to break your addicion.)

5. Crafts! You’ll be cleaning up glitter and wiping crayon marks off the walls and cutting glue out of your carpets for MONTHS to come. Think of all the time you WON’T be stumbling and commenting!

6. Clean the house as a family! See above. (Vacuuming also drowns out crying.)

7. Use your navigation system to go on adventures! This suggestion will sadly use entirely too much gas because you are certain to get lost, but think of the adventure! For extra educational value, have your navigation system speak in a foreign language, I especially enjoy British English. VERY foreign.

8. Play Hide and Seek! You hide in the bathroom (door locked) with some ice cream, OKAY, WINE and have the kids try and find you. (iPods can drown out the crying in this scenario.)

9. Take lots of pictures and video! Let your kids ham it up! What a great way for YOU to come up with even more fodder for the ol’ blog. (Me=Enabler)

10. Go take a walk to get your power cord back from your neighbor! You’ve earned it with all this “family enrichment” crap. You can even make it a FAMILY activity to go retrieve your power cord. Win-win situation!

58 Comments - Leave a comment!