Category Archives: my stream of consciousness

Another Spat With Meijer

(It’s possible I should change the name of this blog to Jennifer’s Meijer Ramblings Or Jennifer is a DORK and Can’t Believe You Keep Reading.)

As proud as I could be, I stood back and admired my work.  Strategically planned and carefully implemented, I watched my groceries on the conveyor belt as they patiently awaited their turn to be scanned by the Meijer cashier.  Large items like diapers and soda were placed on the belt first.  The can goods, boxed items, and jars were lovingly segregated.  Fresh fruits and veggies were placed far, far away from the germy raw meats.  Bread, tortillas, greeting cards, and eggs were the final products, placed at the back so they’d be less likely to be crushed.

It was truly a work of art, fit for display in the Louvre.

I was pleased with my organizational abilities and looked forward to going home and putting each item in it’s place, knowing that it would be easy since it was already separated for easy unloading.  The satisfaction I felt at my accomplishment made me feel all warm and snugly inside.

Imagine my horror, though, as the cashier began bagging my groceries all willy nilly.   My carefully crafted work of art was suddenly dismantled at the hands of this maniac cashier.   Why was she putting carrots in with one box of elbow macaroni, 2 jars of baby food and a can of pinto beans???  I audibly gasped when she put my bread upright next to the rice cereal, soy sauce, and one (of two) 1/2 gallons of milk.  My eyes grew wider and wider and my heart raced with each bag she filled.  And filled she did.

She somehow fit $172 worth of groceries into FIVE plastic grocery bags.  I was certain that the bag filled with one package of size two Pampers, a jar of Apricot jelly, one can of artichoke hearts, four jars of baby food, rolled oats, flour, Swiffer floor wipes, and the other milk would bust.  (Somehow it didn’t, but I don’t know HOW.  It defied the laws of physics.)  What should have taken five minutes, took double that as the cashier undid my handiwork, picking and choosing items to fill the bags.

I didn’t say anything to the cashier.  I just sheepishly thanked her as she gave me my receipt and 746 Meijer coupons.  Walking away, I tried to regain my composure as I headed for the automatic doors.  Shell shocked and exhausted from the ordeal I drove home, replaying the horror over and over in my mind.  Why didn’t I say something?  What was I afraid of?  Could Meijer and I still be best friends or were things cooling for us?

First the car carts and now the pillaging cashier.  Oh, Meijer?  Why?  WHY? What have I done?

I Interrupt My Regular Scheduled Posting For This Very Important Message

I’m really stressed.  Like REALLY stressed.

I chewed the head off our builder’s realtor and spit it out, then stomped on the remnants just for that added oomph at the closing of our house yesterday.  She deserved it, so I don’t feel bad.  But I do have that angry taste still in my mouth and it’s clouding my excitement over my new house.  Try as I might, it is rather difficult for me to give up grudges and take away the power that anger holds over me.

Let’s all pretend that I’m in a fantastic mood and am currently spewing rainbows and puppy dogs straight outta my bum.  M,kay?  So onto happier thoughts and talk…I never have told you about my date with Casey and Nell!  Silly me!  We had a great time and it was truly thrilling to meet them both in person.  After having read both of them for at least a year, it was kind of surreal to actually be sitting with them and having lunch and conversation. 

The thing I love about blogging is the community and friendships that have developed.  It feels as if each day, we all get together and chat, sometimes about our kids, sometimes about beauty products, or vacuums, or our TV boyfriends.  Each comment that comes in is like, “Oh HI!  AMomTwoBoys just got to the party!  Have a seat, make yourself comfy!  And look!  It’s Jenni from Just Chicken Feed!  Can I get you all a latte?”

Just so you know, and I know I don’t say this enough, I appreciate each one of you and look forward to hanging out with you everyday (even if it is only virtually).  I wish that you (yes YOU) and I  could really meet, have lunch, and gab for hours on end and ignore our children.

I told you I was spewing rainbows and puppy dogs!   

Enough of that.  Moving right along…speaking of moving, I’ll be moving today and Friday.  Also Comcast (which IS NOT COM-castic, more like CRAP-tastic) has still not hooked up any cable to our house, so I will not have Internet access for a while.  I don’t want to pull a Megan on all of you and just disappear, so I thought I’d let you know that I’d be scarce these next few days (and hopefully not weeks!)  My inbox is currently filled with nearly 50 emails and new visitors’ sites that I haven’t had anytime to check out.    So if you’ve recently emailed me, it’s HIGHLY unlikely (I’m guessing with about 100% certainty) that I won’t be getting back to you anytime soon.  It’s also HIGHLY unlikely (again with 100% certainty) that I probably won’t be getting to all of the awards and memes.

Meh.  I suck.

Hold down the fort for me!  And think your own happy, rainbow, puppy dog thoughts for me as we move…hopefully minus the drama of our last move.

Peace out, ya’ll.  Word to you…mothers.

Cracked Up

I have this little fantasy built up in my head about the new city to where I’m traveling across the country with two very small children and setting up residence.

My fantasy includes a mommy-utopia complete with neighbors who actually say hello, access to babysitters, and best of all I’m suddenly very toned.

Poor New Town, IN has a lot to live up to.

There are only nine days left in which I’ll be a resident of the state of Alabama.  It hasn’t been all bad living here, it also hasn’t been all good

I won’t miss our neighbors

Or the black bears…

(Why yes that IS a black bear in my backyard at 2:54 PM, the middle of the day!)

I definitely won’t miss boarding up for hurricanes either. This is when we boarded up for that little bitch known as Katrina

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But even with all the hiccups here in Shitty Town, AL, there have been some good things, too…

I became a mommy.

(Early evidence of my quest to become Le Binky Bitch with Carson, age 2 weeks)

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(Ella at 2 weeks old.)

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I also met some great friends.

With these last few days ticking away, the air feels thick and I can hardly breathe.  I’m teetering on the edge of panic.  I feel sad, euphoric, and overwhelmed all at the same time.  We’re leaving the house where we brought our babies home, the only home they’ve ever known.  I worry how will Carson handle the move.  I fear having to start all over in making friends.   All of the little tasks are starting to eat away at me.  I just want this move to get over with so that we can get back to “real life.”

I’m dreading that when we get there and finally get settled in, life will still be, well, life.  It won’t be any easier, or better, friendlier, or more prosperous.   The only difference will be that it’s not Alabama.

New Town, IN can’t be all it’s cracked up to be.

Also, I’ve heard that there are lots of Cubs fans there.  And THAT scares me more than anything.

(post # 6 about moving)

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psst…check out whose photo made Photo of the Day at Photrade…..

http://blog.photrade.com/?p=95

And speaking of Photrade, I have 3 invites if anyone is interested…email me.

Hot Date on a Friday Night and How This Led to the Kum & Go

My house is sort of out in the boonies.  The only things around me are other neighborhoods, a cemetery, and a gas station.   Obviously, there’s not a whole lot do in this pooptastic** town. 

Last night, Tate sent me out to buy him some beer at the gas station, saying, “buy me some beer woman!” (He didn’t really say that.)   As I parked in front of the door, I noticed that there was a couple sitting at one of the booths inside.  They were very apparently on a date and were being all ooey gooey with each other.  I laughed out loud to myself, thinking how I couldn’t wait to tell you all how pathetic these two were for having a date at a gas station.  Silly small town LOSERS.

As I was cackling my evil cackle, the “nice” part of me reminded myself that our old high school hang out was the Git-n-Go so I should just shut up and stop making fun of them.   Humbled, I started thinking about how Git-n-Go was THE place to be on a Friday night to find out where the parties were, to see cute boys, and to hopefully score some beer from a person kind stupid enough to buy for a sixteen-year-old.  Then I remembered that Git-n-Go was even the place to be when I was in college.  Everyone would go there after the bars closed for more beer and cigarettes.  You’d find out where the post-parties were, see cute boys, and hopefully score some beer from some horny guy hoping to get you even more drunk.

Then!  I remembered that Git-n-Go no longer exists and that it is now called Kum & Go.  That’s right, it’s called the Kum & Go.  I’m not sure if a stupider name exists for a combination gas station and convenience store.   Stupid or not, though, it makes me giggle every single time I think about it.

This led me to wonder if teenagers these days still hang at the Kum & Go?  Also, how weird would it be to go on a date to a place called the Kum & Go? 

Then I started thinking about this restaurant somewhere along I-44 called the Du Kum Inn.  I bet people do actually go on dates to this place since it is actually a restaurant.  I can’t fathom eating at a restaurant with the word “kum” in the title.   Could you imagine ordering the chicken breast covered in a light cream sauce?  Yuck.  But still pretty funny.

Then I realized that I’m actually a big, huge loser for spending my Friday night making a beer run for my husband and giggling like a 5th grader whenever I hear “Kum & Go” and “Du Kum Inn.”

When I got home I made a to-do list:
1.  Get a life

**I’m attempting to curb my use of swear words and make myself a better person in the process.  So far I’m failing miserably with the spoken word.  Luckily I can be as successful as the delete key will allow in written form.

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If you wouldn’t mind, I mean, if you have an extra minute, would you maybe go nominate my blog over at the Bloggies under the category, “Best Kept Secret Weblog?”    Since you have to vote for three in order to vote, and she gave me the idea, would it be alright if you voted for Mrs. Fussypants for “Best New Weblog?”  Everyone loves Fussy, right! 

Please? 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I’d much appreciate it.

Discombobulated

These few days after Christmas are always so discombobulating. 

I love having all this new stuff! 

But…where is it all supposed to go?  There’s too MUCH stuff already.  I will NEVER get it all put away.  NEVER. *runs away sobbing*

I love Christmas decorations! 

But…now that Christmas is over, it just looks like clutter.  And sadly, it’s clutter that I’ll be cleaning and packing away.  Alone.  Except for the two small children I mind each day.

Aaah, the scent of Christmas candles! 

But…the smell is making me nauseous.  How about some Clean Laundry scent instead?  Anything but evergreen or gingerbread or Christmas cookie.  Blech.

Some of my favorite possessions are my Christmas ornaments! 

But…they are getting on my nerves, taunting me from their places on the tree, “you have to put each one of (hundreds in all)** back into our boxes.  It will take you hours.  Mwa ha ha ha.”

Mmmm, pie!  Cookies!  Delectable herb-crusted pork with green beans and loaded baked potato casserole!! 

But…the thought of eating anything besides celery and water makes me feel like I may possibly explode.  *Kaboom*

**total exaggeration.

So a Catholic, a Heathen, and a Buttery Nipple Walk Into a Playdate…

It’s quite possible that Sara, Heather, and I are going to straight to hell.  We had fun, though, celebrating the holidays in true Southern style, y’all.

Go read about St. Pimento Cheesus and throwing beer at Christmas trees HERE.  Don’t be lazy and not click over, it’s funny, I promise!

The Polar Express Creeps Me Out

Uh, hi!  Me, again, talking about movies!  Playgroups are No Place for Children where it’s all movies all the time!

 It’s not a blog.  It’s HBO.

So I made the huge mistake of showing Carson The Polar Express this weekend and we therefore ended up watching it 37.5 times as a result.  (In all actuality it was only four times, but who’s counting?  Oh wait.  I’m counting.)  “Watch black steam engine?  Watch black steam engine?  Watch black steam engine?”  Shoot me.

In our discussion the other day of Christmas movies, I noticed that none of you mentioned The Polar Express.  I suspect that this is because it is a creepy-ass movie.  Am I right?  While I do think it’s a cute story, there are a lot of things about the movie that are just….ick.  Let’s analyze, shall we?  I’ve compiled my thoughts in handy outline form for easy studying.

I.  The animation
     A.  The character’s teeth. 
           1.  Bluish  (Does anyone have naturally bluish teeth or am I missing something?)
           2.  At one point the little girl’s teeth look as if they aren’t even a part of her mouth, like they’re dentures.
     B.  The character’s awkward movements
           1.  They look really scary

II.  The old-timey Christmas music
       A.  Sounds like something out of a horror flick, not something suitable for a kids movie
       B.  The part where the kid finally hears the bell,  a demonic version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town is playing.

III.  The weird hobo guy on the top of the train
        A.  What the f*ck?
        B.  Who was he and why the hell did this character even exist?

IV.  The conductor
        A.  He’s sort of mean and intimidating.
        B.  Luckily softens and becomes slightly more likeable as the movie goes on.

V.  The train ride
      A.  Like a roller coaster
      B.  Only not fun AT ALL.

VI.  The elves
        A.  One of them looks like Steven Tyler from Aerosmith.
              1.  This is not at all how I picture elves.
        B.  They have creepy voices and seem shady
              1.  One of them says, “Trust me,”  and all I can think is that this elf’s name must be Chester Molester.

Feel free to use my notes.

Pop quiz this week.