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Category Archives: Randomness

Fair Lady

Written on September 18, 2009 by Jennifer in Quirky Me, Randomness

The fair is in town and to a foodie like me, that means it’s corn dog season. I look forward to this rare occasion each year.

But really? It’s not just the corn dogs. There’s SO MUCH to love about the fair…

The smell of old grease and frying food, people walking around eating meat straight off a turkey leg bone, skeletal carnies with long, greasy hair and a Marlboro Red hanging out of one side of their mouth, roses airbrushed onto license plates, hastily put together rides that make you dizzy and blare songs by Queen, the smell of horse shit, aggressive goats, cows giving birth in front of you while you eat a caramel apple, mullets, extra large people wearing extra small clothes, children with dirty faces and snotty noses, people wearing clever T-shirts that say things like, “I know Jack Schitt,” body odor, cowboy boots, ropers, Wranglers, and large belt buckles, concerts by bands popular in the late 70′s, handmade quilts, homemade pies, blue ribbons, prize winning cucumbers, Gospel tents, unattainable large, stuffed animals, preteen love, angst, and braces, and Camaros with t-tops.

What’s not to love?!

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Discussing all possible scenarinos

Written on August 17, 2009 by Jennifer in Huh?, Randomness

I just love it when people mispronounce common words. And by love I mean, it irritates the crap out of me, but yet it provides hours and hours of hearty chuckling when I’m making fun of them on my blog.

My most favorite mispronounced word was one I heard last week. The lady who was speaking said, “we’ll talk about all the scenarinos.” Scenarinos. As in scenarios. I looked at the other people sitting around me to see if anyone else was trying as hard as I was not to bust a gut laughing. Nobody was visibly shaking, but there is no way I’m the only one who heard her say “scenarino.” Scene-arino. Seriously. That’s comedy GOLD.

Tate and I have made it our goal to work this new word into our everyday vocabulary. “So Tate, which scenarino works best for lunch? Ham sandwiches or leftovers?” “Hey Jennifer, after the kids go to bed later, I imagine a scenarino with us going to bed early {eyebrow wag, eyebrow wag}.”

Other words that make me laugh/want to punch someone includes:

Supposebly. Supposebly you’re an idiot.

Irregardless. Irregardless of what you say, irregardless is not a word.

Warsh. I’m going to warsh your mouth out with soap if you say this stupid word ever again. (I used to hear this all the time when I was a kid and lived in Oklahoma. I don’t know if it’s an Oklahoma “thing,” but I’ve also heard a few people from St. Louis say warsh instead of wash.)

Ideals. I have lots of ideals about how I can torture people who use the word “ideals” when they really mean “ideas.” (I hear this ALL the time in Tennessee and it makes me want to punch somebody.)

Any words that people totally botch that make you cringe or giggle with delight?

Edited to add: Your comments are reminding me of words I didn’t even think about! Kindygarten! HATE that. Also, I lose intelligence points every time someone adds a plural ending to words that don’t need plural endings. Krogers, Meijers, Walmarts…THERE IS NO “S” ON THOSE NAMES, DAMMIT.

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I have a hole in my Spanx

Written on August 13, 2009 by Jennifer in I am woman, my hawt body, Quirky Me, Randomness

I just thought you all should know that the hole in the crotch of Spanx that I assume is for bathroom convenience, doesn’t work as intended.** It’s not important how I know this, just that I know this. Please don’t make me explain in detail, it’s just too humiliating.

What? You don’t understand? Fine. Here’s one word to describe the calamity I experienced. MOIST. Happy now?

**Spanx hole intended use. (I suppose there is another reason there could be a hole in the crotch of Spanx besides for tinkling, but no. We are not discussing that here! My delicate eyes! My delicate eyes! Don’t you know this is a family blog?! ?) (Well, okay, we’ll talk about it quickly since we’re in the safety of parentheses.) (Ooh, look! Parentheses! It’s almost like I’m talking to myself. No one can really see what I’m writing!) (Why on earth would you get it on while wearing Spanx?) (I don’t really even want my husband to know that I own or have a reason to own Spanx.) (As much as I love that Spanx are completely unnoticeable when I’m clothed, they are QUITE OBVIOUS when I’m not clothed, therefore, NO.) (I would not use the hole in Spanx for the loooove.) (Carry on. Let’s pretend this conversation never happened.) (Ooh look! Is that Johnny Depp over there?!)

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George Clooney Watch

Written on April 15, 2009 by Jennifer in Randomness

Okay, so fine. This post has zilch to do with George Clooney, but George Clooney makes me smile, so I titled the post after him.

It’s better than the title, “I don’t get why people wait until 11:59 on April 15 to file their taxes,” which is actually what this post is about. That title would have been a real snoozer.

Tonight on the news, they showed footage of last year’s tax day and the line of cars at the post office, which remains open for tax slackers (our tax dollars hard at work), and the line was beyond long. It was dark and the post office workers looked annoyed and frantic, and the people in their cars looked like they were HIGH on DRUGS. Who are these people, sitting in line at the post office, probably wearing their pajamas, turning in their tax returns in the dead of night?

Maybe YOU are one of those people and frankly, I want to know what the heck is going through your head.

Here are the facts.

Tax day is April 15 EVERY YEAR, am I right? It never changes, unlike Easter and Thanksgiving, which I find confusing, but tax day happens every year on the same day, like clockwork. Right???

(I said factS above, but actually that’s the only fact.)

What wrong with getting your return completed at, say, noon? Or 5:30. Why wait until 11:59?

To be honest, Tate and I aren’t exactly speedy in our tax return completion, usually waiting until the last few weeks, or so. This year, I just mailed in our Indiana State return on Monday, which I feel compelled to say, IS NOT SENDING IN MY RETURN AT 11:59 ON APRIL 15 FROM MY HONDA PILOT AFTER WAITING IN A LONG LINE AT THE POST OFFICE WHILE WEARING MY PAJAMAS, LOOKING DOPED UP .

To sum this all up, I don’t get why people wait until 11:59 on April 15 to file their taxes.

Random unrelated bit: I really enjoyed seeing George Clooney/Dr. Doug Ross on ER during it’s last hurrah season. He makes me feel warm and tingly down there.

Random unrelated bit 2: I’m so sick of getting Easter grass stuck to the bottom of my feet and finding empty plastic eggs around my house.

Random unrelated bit 3: Number of glasses of wine to write this post: 2 XL glasses.

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Ketchup bylaws

Written on April 8, 2009 by Jennifer in my stream of consciousness, Quirky Me, Randomness

I was talking to Heather the other day on the phone when I pronounced myself finished with posting nonsensical junk on my blog. Only the best posts from now on, only the most thought-provoking, the best written! No more wasting my readers’ time with crap!

Well, I lied.

But see, here’s the thing. This is type of thing that, if you and I were just hanging out together, sitting on the couch, eating some Bugles and drinking some Coke, watching some quality TV, I would probably bring up in conversation. I guess I like to talk about stupid topics.

You wouldn’t believe how much fun I am at parties.

So here’s what I’ve been thinking about. Ketchup. And my very specific rules about ketchup and where it should and should not be squirted.

Ketchup is great for french fries, but only ON THE SIDE. NEVER, EVER squirted on top of the french fries. I feel irrationally strong about ketchup never being put ON french fries, ONLY beside french fries.

Wanna ruin my day? Pour ketchup on my french fries and watch me get ridiculously irritated.

This same rule applies to fish sticks.

Oddly, I like ketchup in my vegetable soup. The juxtaposition of the hot vegetable soup mixed with the cold ketchup! Mmm.

Ketchup is NOT great for hot dogs or corn dogs, as those are MUSTARD ONLY foods. I don’t feel as strongly about hamburgers and ketchup, though I feel that hamburgers are best-condimented (I made up that word) with mustard and mayo.

My daughter Ella is big fan of ketchup, eating it by the handful. I think that’s a bit of an overkill.

What are you feelings on ketchup? Do you have any quirky food rules?

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Week in review, a la Forrest Gump

Written on February 11, 2009 by Jennifer in blogging, Pictures, Quirky Me, Randomness

On Sunday morning after BlissDom09 in Nashville, I sat alone in my hotel room watching Forrest Gump . Anytime that movie is on TV I get sucked in (which by the way happens with many movies including Love Actually, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Urban Cowboy *shut it*…). That movie is just such a masterpiece and I can’t resist the way the story intertwines with historic events. I probably should have been hanging out down in the lobby meeting people I hadn’t had the chance to meet or hugging new friends as they departed for the airport, but Forrest Gump and Jenn-ay won out.

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Remember that part in Forrest Gump after [SPOILER ALERT COMING in case you're that last person on Earth who hasn't seen the movie] Jenny leaves after their one night of s-e-x and Forrest just decides to start running? Yeah. That’s how I feel right now about my computer. “I just feel like runn-ang.” Away. I’m not sure what happens to me after these blogging conferences, which I have a BALL at, but afterwards I just feel like I need a break from all things interwebby.

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RANDOM ALERT! RANDOM ALERT! It’s not just blogging that makes me feel like running, it’s also a certain place of employment that frankly is going to be the death of me my husband.

And that’s all I have to say about that. Or rather that’s all I think I should say about that.

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Bloggers are like a box of chocolates, you never know who you’re going to meet and how awesome they will be. (That was cheesy wasn’t it?!?) For me, I don’t attend these conferences to LEARN, I attend these conferences to meet the best people in the world.

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You may have heard about the Elevator 13 (cue the music! dunh, dunh, dunnnh!). Thirteen of us very BRAVE bloggers, SURVIVED for 35 minutes (or 45 depending on who you ask) in BLAZING HEAT and SARDINE-LIKE conditions trapped in an elevator at The Hotel Preston during BlissDom.

Here are the other HEROES who were trapped with me.

VDog at VDog and Little Man
Heather at the Spohrs are Multiplying
Heather at Queen of Shake Shake
Emily at DesignHer Momma
Amy from Amy in Ohio
Hebba at Jeep Girl 17
Shannon at Mommy Bits
Ali at Blessed Tree House
Sandy at Organize with Sandy
Jenny from Mommin’ it Up
Dawn at Kaiser Alex
Courtney at Once a Month Mom

This whole thing has kind of become a pissing match between those of us trapped and the lackluster management at the Hotel Preston. Feel free to read the others’ posts about the incident, but that’s all I have to say about THAT.

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Remember in Forrest Gump when Forrest visits the White House and President Johnson and ends up showing him his butt? I tend to be the type that overshares, particularly when I’m nervous or have been drinking. More than one person heard about my sweaty pits. For that, I’m sorry.

Thanks to Kelly (Mrs. CPA) for offering to NOT post this picture, but due to my oversharing tendencies, I just couldn’t resist.

Just for the record, I’d only had ONE drink and was merely introducing myself.

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Yell no

Written on February 5, 2009 by Jennifer in Huh?, Quirky Me, Randomness

Something that bugs the crap out of me is yelling across the house to someone instead of just walking to wherever they are and speaking in a nice, even, low voice.

It bugs me, but I do it all the time and annoy MYSELF. Despite my repeated self-reminders to STOP YELLING ACROSS THE HOUSE, I have such a hard time stopping. I’ll yell downstairs to Carson and Ella to say that dinner is ready, shake my head at myself in disgust, and promise myself to STOP. It’s just a few extra steps and those extra steps would really make for a much calmer and quieter house. The next evening I’ll remember not to yell and instead calmly go downstairs and tell Carson and Ella to come up for dinner. Such a sense of accomplishment! Such a sense of calm! So quiet! Until the next night when I yell again for them to come to dinner.

It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

And I wonder why my children yell. Geez louise.

What category do you fit into? Are you a yell-across-the-house kind of person or a walk-across-the-house-to-get-their-attention kind of person?

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On a completely unrelated note, I just want to thank those of you who recommended that I read The Book Thief a few weeks ago. WOW! I LOVED THAT BOOK SO MUCH! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I LOVED THAT BOOK!!!!!! SUCH AN AMAZING STORY!

Damn, I really need to stop yelling.

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